The Punster's Pocket-book Part 23

A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father, who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father and son pa.s.sing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling, "_Through the wood, laddie_."

A MANAGER'S PUN.

A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager) I fear it is owing to the _piece_."

THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN.

A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a gla.s.s. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French measures_ here."

A CLERICAL PUN.

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "_He was clothed with curses as with a garment_."--"My good friend (said the minister), it means that he had _got a habit of swearing_."

A SELFISH PUN.

A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and _selfish_. "And why (said he), would you not have me _sell-fish_?"

A GAMBLING PUN.

At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself _vis-a-vis_ at a table _d'ecarte_, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M. de S. to whom the circ.u.mstance was related, "this time, at least, he knew whom he had to _deal_ with!"

A STAYMAKER'S PUN.

A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that have _stayed the stomachs_ of thousands!"

CLERICAL PUNS.

At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister, as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text, "_Adam_, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon these words, "_Lo!_ here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him the appointment.

HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE.

Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red with vexation as a _Turkey c.o.c.k_." The other, thinking to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to say Mr. Tooke had quite forgotten who his father was?" "Oh! no indeed, I have not," said Tooke, "he was a _Turkey Merchant_, (i. e. a _Poulterer_.)"

A JOE MUNDEN.

It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs.

Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for _Byam-House_, Munden exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds to _buy-a-mouse_!

What the devil will the woman do next?"

PARISIAN PUNS.

1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wis.h.i.+ng to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of Paris made this pun--"_Il donnoit Sedan_ (ses dents) _pour sauver sa tete_."

2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an att.i.tude to display her figure to advantage; but unluckily one of her feet peeped out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal, exclaimed, "_O le vilain Pie-de-stal!_"

3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been amba.s.sador from the court of France to the Ottoman _Porte_, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of Paris to observe, that he was still "_amba.s.sadeur a la Porte_."

COMMERCIAL PUNS.

FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL," "_English Spy_."

"I don't see the _bee's wing_ in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are _bouncing_ about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No, sir," said the humourist, "it is not to _be_ seen until you are a _deal_ higher in _spirits_; the _film_ of the _wing_ is seldom discernible in such _mahogany_-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like _rose-wood_ at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as _red_ as _logwood_, or as _black_ as _ebony_, if you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. "There is no being _cross-grained_ with you,"

said the timber-merchant. "Not unless you _cut_ me," retorted Blackstrap, "and you are not _sap_ enough for that." "Gentlemen,"

continued the facetious wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit, I shall think we have not met with our _dessert_; and although there be some among us whose _princ.i.p.als_ are worth a _plum_, there are very few of their representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my _reasons_."

A c.o.c.kNEY'S PUN.

A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of _h_air; "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's shop_."

AN IRISH PUN.

_The two Taymen._

About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph."

An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than _patriots_; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour the meaning round the edge of the coin of "Decus et Tutamen," said she, "By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are the _Two Taymen_."

A SPORTING PUN.

_Managing the Pack._

A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circ.u.mstances by his attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of _dealer_ at a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite prompt.i.tude, observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he still _managed the pack_."

"BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS.

"In the city, while _Currie_ was _Raiking_ together his cash, Sir _John Lubbock Fostered_ his _Clarkes_; Sir _William Kay_ knew his _Price_; _Rogers_ felt _Toogood_ to smash; one house in Fleet-street _Praed_ to get through it; and while another chuckled like a _Child_, the _Goslings_ were looking _Sharp_ after their concerns--poor _Hodsoll_,"

added the dunce, "was obliged to give up his _Stirling capital_; but _Stevenson_ knew _his_ partner was worth his _Salt_; _Dorien_, _Magens_, and _Dorien_, got _Mello_ with rejoicing, and _Jansen_ was never near being 'done _Brown_;' _Paxton_ and _c.o.c.kerell_, according to culinary custom, sent their _Trail_ to take care of the _long-bills_; and though _Fry_ might have been in a _Stew_ for a time, he (like the _Smiths_ of Mansion House-street) soon had his _Payne_ removed.

"At the west end of the town, though _Scott Claude_ up his money at the moment, he soon began to pay again; _Kinnaird_ said he could _Ransom_ his credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall declared they had _More-land_ than would settle the claims of all their creditors; and although _Marten_ expected a _Call_ on _Arnold_, they were equally steady with the house of _c.o.c.ks_ (part-_Ridges_) at Charing-cross, who crowed most l.u.s.tily at their own stability; every body knows, said the wag, that _Green-wood_ never breaks, and as for _Thomas's_ in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there, all was _Wright_."

A HARROW PUN.

Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of _healing the breech_.

A SOLDIER'S PUN.