The Punster's Pocket-book Part 24

The peculiar new mode of _drilling_ the soldiers in St. James's Park, ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed _quadrilling_.

A PROFESSIONAL PUN.

Speaking of professions, there must be somebody _in every way_. "Ay,"

replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks in _one another's way_."

A MUSICAL PUN.

To make a competent double ba.s.s player, it requires a _head-piece_, while a _wind_ instrument performer wants only a _mouth-piece_ (_i. e._ a reed).

A BREAD AND MEAT PUN.

A needy adventurer coming to London, who was _very thin_, observed to S.

Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a _little bread_ among the musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you can _pick up a little flesh_ at the same time, it will not be amiss."

A PUN UPON MY HONOR!

A person who was addicted to "pledge his _honor_" upon all occasions, observed, on looking through the window, "It _rains, upon my honor_."

"Yes," said Taylor, "_and it will rain upon_ MY honor if I go out."

CLa.s.sICAL PUN.

"Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land bought on a stipulation to pay the purchase-money a year hence, resembles an ancient lyric song? Because it is _An-acre-on-tick_."

A WARM PUN.

"You are never witty," said a friend, "until you are _well warmed_ with _wine_." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good sir, that I am to be _well-roasted_."

THE EXCISE-OFFICE _v._ THE STAMP-OFFICE.

Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout of time. Shaw, the leader, began to _stamp_ violently, and said, "Why don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of the _Excise Office_: you seem to be a member of the _Stamp_ Office yourself."

HARPING UPON A FIGURE.

A professional harpist (who was a very incompetent performer), one night at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas the _cutting_ of it.

Foster immediately exclaimed, "Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would endeavour to _cut a figure_ myself."

A PUNSTER'S REQUISITES FOR AN M.P.

"To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, "a man must have the ribs of a _rhinoceros_; to obtain a _good place_ in the body of the house, the qualities of a _camelion_; to secure a seat on the _treasury_ bench, he must not fear to _tread-a-wry_. _Opposition_ he must write thus--'_oppo_'-site--_position_; _ministerial, men-who-steer-well_. _Private bills_ he may quote as examples of _private punishment_; the _speaker's_ dinners, a _speechless_ banquet, where every guest leaves _politics_ for _polite-tricks_. To speak _well_ and _long_, you must display _artificial_ feelings, have _leathern_ lungs, a face of _bra.s.s_, an _elephant's_ sagacity, and a _lion's_ courage; and, with all these qualifications, you may _perchance_ be considered _bear_able; without them you are certain to come in for a _sc.r.a.pe_[26]."

[26] Alluding to the practice of the members _sc.r.a.ping_ their feet upon the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome.

A PUNSTER'S APHORISMS.

If you mean to be a _domestic_ animal, never marry a woman of a _wild_ disposition. An _ugly helpmate_, though she may have the wealth of _Plutus_, and the _virtues_ of an _angel_, can never be considered as a _lovely wife_. If you would live happily, always _whistle_ when your wife _whines_ or _scolds_. If she should grow _furious_, take yourself into the _cool air_, without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes himself to a _storm_ is sure to get _pelted_. Never offend the ears of a modest woman by a coa.r.s.e or indelicate expression: the _fairest mirror_ is stained by a _pa.s.sing breath_. Never marry a woman for _money_, lest, obtaining the _honey_, you are stung by the _queen bee_. Never lose an opportunity for making a _good pun_, when you can do it consistent with _good nature_, and without endangering the esteem of _good friends_. A _pun_, to pa.s.s _current_, should bear the _stamp_ of _wit_, and be _struck_ off in the _mint_ of _originality_. A _genuine bad pun_ is not always a _bad joke_. _Late_ hours make _lazy_ servants, a _loquacious_ wife, and end in making a _long_ purse _light_, a _long_ illness _heavy_, and _long life_ very uncertain.

Bernard Blackmantle.

TARTANI'S DREAM--A TAIL PIECE.

Blackmantle's labours here, are done, Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel; Approve each epigram and pun, And Bernard proves a merry devil.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

A

PUNNING ESSAY

ON THE

ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE,

BY

THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK[27];'

_Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Ma.n.u.scripts, discovered at St. Patrick's Abbey._

A FRAGMENT.

[27] This highly celebrated little book, it will by some be remembered, was written to ridicule Sir John Carr's 'Stranger in Ireland;' and a more happy, witty, original, and pleasant satire, is not to be found in the English language. The book is now _out of print_, and only to be met with in the libraries of the curious. Had I any reason to suppose that the author (Mr. Dubois), would have republished his work, much as I should have had to regret the loss of these articles here, I certainly would not have taken them to do injury to their own witty and original parent.

We observe in Homer's _Batrachomyomachia_, that the instant the frog Calaminthius sees the mouse _Pternoglyphus_, he is so frightened that he abandons his s.h.i.+eld and jumps into the lake: and this confirms our etymology of the mouse's name, _Turn ugly face_.

In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse called _Lichenor_, which some, who, like certain commentators on Shakspeare, will always be running to the Greek for interpretations, consider as signifying _one addicted to licking_, but here we see the imbecility of foreign resources, and the great strength of our own. Their explanation is certainly something near the mark, but for a mouse, how much more germain to the matter is ours--_Lick and gnaw_? It is true, that I may have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, but even granting them the full lat.i.tude of understanding by their words, as applied to our military mouse, that he was _one addicted to licking or conquering_, yet is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in our exposition. Besides, it must be remembered that _Lichenor_ was not so much "addicted to licking" as to being licked, witness the frog Hypsiboas's running him through the body with a rush. See I. 202.

At v. 244, we have the mouse _Sitophagus_, who like many a soldier of modern times had recourse to his heels and betook himself to a snug dry ditch--??at? d'e? taf??. I had always some suspicion that this name was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the foregoing circ.u.mstance has, fortunately for the literary world, furnished me with a conjecture that seems to place the etymology of this coward's t.i.tle beyond all doubt:--_Set off again_--his invariable custom on these occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied the _art militaire_ in Hudibras, where he learnt that

----_Timely running's no mean part Of conduct in the martial art._

_Sitophagus_, from _Set off again_, is perfectly within the canon of _parce detorta_, which it may not be amiss here to repeat: