Seven Short Plays Part 5

_Jack Smith:_ I'll break the head of any man that says that! Who is it says it? (_To Tim Casey:_) Was it you said it? (_To Shawn Early:_) Was it you?

_All together:_ (_Backing and shaking their heads._) It wasn't I said it!

_Jack Smith:_ Tell me the name of any man that said it!

_All together:_ (_Pointing to Bartley._) It was _him_ that said it!

_Jack Smith:_ Let me at him till I break his head!

(_Bartley backs in terror. Neighbours hold Jack Smith back._)

_Jack Smith:_ (_Trying to free himself._) Let me at him! Isn't he the pleasant sort of a scarecrow for any woman to be crossing the ocean with! It's back from the docks of New York he'd be turned (_trying to rush at him again_), with a lie in his mouth and treachery in his heart, and another man's wife by his side, and he pa.s.sing her off as his own! Let me at him can't you.

(_Makes another rush, but is held back._)

_Magistrate:_ (_Pointing to Jack Smith._) Policeman, put the handcuffs on this man. I see it all now. A case of false impersonation, a conspiracy to defeat the ends of justice. There was a case in the Andaman Islands, a murderer of the Mopsa tribe, a religious enthusiast--

_Policeman:_ So he might be, too.

_Magistrate:_ We must take both these men to the scene of the murder.

We must confront them with the body of the real Jack Smith.

_Jack Smith:_ I'll break the head of any man that will find my dead body!

_Magistrate:_ I'll call more help from the barracks. (_Blows Policeman's whistle._)

_Bartley:_ It is what I am thinking, if myself and Jack Smith are put together in the one cell for the night, the handcuffs will be taken off him, and his hands will be free, and murder will be done that time surely!

_Magistrate:_ Come on! (_They turn to the right._)

HYACINTH HALVEY

PERSONS

_Hyacinth Halvey._ _James Quirke, a butcher._ _Fardy Farrell, a telegraph boy._ _Sergeant Carden._ _Mrs. Delane, Postmistress at Cloon._ _Miss Joyce, the Priest's House-keeper._

HYACINTH HALVEY

_Scene: Outside the Post Office at the little town of Cloon.

Mrs. Delane at Post Office door. Mr. Quirke sitting on a chair at butcher's door. A dead sheep hanging beside it, and a thrush in a cage above. Fardy Farrell playing on a mouth organ. Train whistle heard._

_Mrs. Delane:_ There is the four o'clock train, Mr. Quirke.

_Mr. Quirke:_ Is it now, Mrs. Delane, and I not long after rising? It makes a man drowsy to be doing the half of his work in the night time.

Going about the country, looking for little stags of sheep, striving to knock a few s.h.i.+llings together. That contract for the soldiers gives me a great deal to attend to.

_Mrs. Delane:_ I suppose so. It's hard enough on myself to be down ready for the mail car in the morning, sorting letters in the half dark. It's often I haven't time to look who are the letters from-or the cards.

_Mr. Quirke:_ It would be a pity you not to know any little news might be knocking about. If you did not have information of what is going on who should have it? Was it you, ma'am, was telling me that the new Sub-Sanitary Inspector would be arriving to-day?

_Mrs. Delane:_ To-day it is he is coming, and it's likely he was in that train. There was a card about him to Sergeant Carden this morning.

_Mr. Quirke:_ A young chap from Carrow they were saying he was.

_Mrs. Delane:_ So he is, one Hyacinth Halvey; and indeed if all that is said of him is true, or if a quarter of it is true, he will be a credit to this town.

_Mr. Quirke:_ Is that so?

_Mrs. Delane:_ Testimonials he has by the score. To Father Gregan they were sent. Registered they were coming and going. Would you believe me telling you that they weighed up to three pounds?

_Mr. Quirke:_ There must be great bulk in them indeed.

_Mrs. Delane:_ It is no wonder he to get the job. He must have a great character so many persons to write for him as what there did.

_Fardy:_ It would be a great thing to have a character like that.

_Mrs. Delane:_ Indeed I am thinking it will be long before you will get the like of it, Fardy Farrell.

_Fardy:_ If I had the like of that of a character it is not here carrying messages I would be. It's in Noonan's Hotel I would be, driving cars.

_Mr. Quirke:_ Here is the priest's housekeeper coming.

_Mrs. Delane:_ So she is; and there is the Sergeant a little while after her.

(_Enter Miss Joyce._)

_Mrs. Delane:_ Good-evening to you, Miss Joyce. What way is his Reverence to-day? Did he get any ease from the cough?

_Miss Joyce:_ He did not indeed, Mrs. Delane. He has it sticking to him yet. Smothering he is in the night time. The most thing he comes short in is the voice.

_Mrs. Delane:_ I am sorry, now, to hear that. He should mind himself well.

_Miss Joyce:_ It's easy to say let him mind himself. What do you say to him going to the meeting to-night? (_Sergeant comes in._) It's for his Reverence's _Freeman_ I am come, Mrs. Delane.

_Mrs. Delane:_ Here it is ready. I was just throwing an eye on it to see was there any news. Good-evening, Sergeant.

_Sergeant:_ (_Holding up a placard._) I brought this notice, Mrs.

Delane, the announcement of the meeting to be held to-night in the Courthouse. You might put it up here convenient to the window. I hope you are coming to it yourself?

_Mrs. Delane:_ I will come, and welcome. I would do more than that for you, Sergeant.

_Sergeant:_ And you, Mr. Quirke.