Seven Short Plays Part 6

_Mr. Quirke:_ I'll come, to be sure. I forget what's this the meeting is about.

_Sergeant:_ The Department of Agriculture is sending round a lecturer in furtherance of the moral development of the rural cla.s.ses.

(_Reads._) "A lecture will be given this evening in Cloon Courthouse, ill.u.s.trated by magic lantern slides-" Those will not be in it; I am informed they were all broken in the first journey, the railway company taking them to be eggs. The subject of the lecture is "The Building of Character."

_Mrs. Delane:_ Very nice, indeed. I knew a girl lost her character, and she washed her feet in a blessed well after, and it dried up on the minute.

_Sergeant:_ The arrangements have all been left to me, the Archdeacon being away. He knows I have a good intellect for things of the sort.

But the loss of those slides puts a man out. The thing people will not see it is not likely it is the thing they will believe. I saw what they call tableaux-standing pictures, you know-one time in Dundrum--

_Mrs. Delane:_ Miss Joyce was saying Father Gregan is supporting you.

_Sergeant:_ I am accepting his a.s.sistance. No bigotry about me when there is a question of the welfare of any fellow-creatures. Orange and green will stand together to-night. I myself and the station-master on the one side; your parish priest in the chair.

_Miss Joyce:_ If his Reverence would mind me he would not quit the house to-night. He is no more fit to go speak at a meeting than (_pointing to the one hanging outside Quirke's door_) that sheep.

_Sergeant:_ I am willing to take the responsibility. He will have no speaking to do at all, unless it might be to bid them give the lecturer a hearing. The loss of those slides now is a great annoyance to me-and no time for anything. The lecturer will be coming by the next train.

_Miss Joyce:_ Who is this coming up the street, Mrs. Delane?

_Mrs. Delane:_ I wouldn't doubt it to be the new Sub-Sanitary Inspector. Was I telling you of the weight of the testimonials he got, Miss Joyce?

_Miss Joyce:_ Sure I heard the curate reading them to his Reverence.

He must be a wonder for principles.

_Mrs. Delane:_ Indeed it is what I was saying to myself, he must be a very saintly young man.

(_Enter Hyacinth Halvey. He carries a small bag and a large brown paper parcel. He stops and nods bashfully._)

_Hyacinth:_ Good-evening to you. I was bid to come to the post office--

_Sergeant:_ I suppose you are Hyacinth Halvey? I had a letter about you from the Resident Magistrate.

_Hyacinth:_ I heard he was writing. It was my mother got a friend he deals with to ask him.

_Sergeant:_ He gives you a very high character.

_Hyacinth:_ It is very kind of him indeed, and he not knowing me at all. But indeed all the neighbours were very friendly. Anything any one could do to help me they did it.

_Mrs. Delane:_ I'll engage it is the testimonals you have in your parcel? I know the wrapping paper, but they grew in bulk since I handled them.

_Hyacinth:_ Indeed I was getting them to the last. There was not one refused me. It is what my mother was saying, a good character is no burden.

_Fardy:_ I would believe that indeed.

_Sergeant:_ Let us have a look at the testimonials.

(_Hyacinth Halvey opens parcel, and a large number of envelopes fall out._)

_Sergeant:_ (_Opening and reading one by one_). "He possesses the fire of the Gael, the strength of the Norman, the vigour of the Dane, the stolidity of the Saxon"--

_Hyacinth:_ It was the Chairman of the Poor Law Guardians wrote that.

_Sergeant:_ "A magnificent example to old and young"--

_Hyacinth:_ That was the Secretary of the DeWet Hurling Club--

_Sergeant:_ "A s.h.i.+ning example of the value conferred by an eminently careful and high cla.s.s education"--

_Hyacinth:_ That was the National Schoolmaster.

_Sergeant:_ "Devoted to the highest ideals of his Mother-land to such an extent as is compatible with a hitherto non-parliamentary career"--

_Hyacinth:_ That was the Member for Carrow.

_Sergeant:_ "A splendid exponent of the purity of the race"--

_Hyacinth:_ The Editor of the _Carrow Champion_.

_Sergeant:_ "Admirably adapted for the efficient discharge of all possible duties that may in future be laid upon him"--

_Hyacinth:_ The new Station-master.

_Sergeant:_ "A champion of every cause that can legitimately benefit his fellow-creatures"-- Why, look here, my man, you are the very one to come to our a.s.sistance to-night.

_Hyacinth:_ I would be glad to do that. What way can I do it?

_Sergeant:_ You are a newcomer-your example would carry weight-you must stand up as a living proof of the beneficial effect of a high character, moral fibre, temperance-there is something about it here I am sure-(_Looks._) I am sure I saw "unparalleled temperance" in some place--

_Hyacinth:_ It was my mother's cousin wrote that-I am no drinker, but I haven't the pledge taken--

_Sergeant:_ You might take it for the purpose.

_Mr. Quirke:_ (_Eagerly._) Here is an anti-treating b.u.t.ton. I was made a present of it by one of my customers-I'll give it to you (_sticks it in Hyacinth's coat_) and welcome.

_Sergeant:_ That is it. You can wear the b.u.t.ton on the platform-or a bit of blue ribbon-hundreds will follow your example-I know the boys from the Workhouse will--

_Hyacinth:_ I am in no way wishful to be an example--

_Sergeant:_ I will read extracts from the testimonials. "There he is,"

I will say, "an example of one in early life who by his own unaided efforts and his high character has obtained a profitable situation"-(_Slaps his side._) I know what I'll do. I'll engage a few corner-boys from Noonan's bar, just as they are, greasy and sodden, to stand in a group-there will be the contrast-The sight will deter others from a similar fate-That's the way to do a tableau-I knew I could turn out a success.

_Hyacinth:_ I wouldn't like to be a contrast--

_Sergeant:_ (_Puts testimonials in his pocket._) I will go now and engage those lads-sixpence each, and well worth it-Nothing like an example for the rural cla.s.ses.

(_Goes off, Hyacinth feebly trying to detain him._)

_Mrs. Delane:_ A very nice man indeed. A little high up in himself, may be. I'm not one that blames the police. Sure they have their own bread to earn like every other one. And indeed it is often they will let a thing pa.s.s.