The Foolish Dictionary Part 28

=YOUTH= The dynamo that makes the world go round; a product of its own generation, with its wires carrying Power into the high places of Earth and with its currents of Thought short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.

=ZEALOT= One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to maintain it.

=ZEBRA= The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes for life.

=ZERO= Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a thermometer or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the 400.

=ZIGZAG= The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage, "The longest way round is the drunkard's way home!"

=ZOUAVE=

[Ill.u.s.tration]

The original Mrs. Bloomer.

_Postage and Postal Information_.

_How to Mail a Letter_.

After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope--round ones are no longer fas.h.i.+onable--seal it on the back and write a legible address on the front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a good licking and retire it to the corner--the upper, right-hand corner, on the outside--never inside, as the postmaster is not a clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter-box and trust to luck. If it's a love letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a faithful postman and carries a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill, by all means have it registered; otherwise, your debtor will swear he never got it. If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post-office warning, "Don't send money through the mails." Wait until you happen to meet him on the street. If he sees you first, you lose.

=First-cla.s.s Matter.=

Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress read, and therefore seal up, is known as first-cla.s.s matter. Also, postal cards, where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If you think your letter should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a Special Delivery Stamp. This will insure a nice, leisurely journey, lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap two-cent route.

=Second-cla.s.s Matter.=

This cla.s.s was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine Mixers, who print circulars on "What Ails You" four times a year, and pepper the land with "Before-and-after-taking" caricatures, at the rate of one cent a pound.

=Third-cla.s.s Matter.=

While the quack nostrums travel second-cla.s.s for one cent a pound, books, engravings, ma.n.u.script copy, and works of art have to go third-cla.s.s and are taxed one cent for every two ounces. They must also be left open for inspection, thus affording the post-office employee a fleeting acquaintance with something really useful.

=Fourth-cla.s.s Matter.=

Everything not included in the above, except poisons, explosives, live animals, insects, inflammable articles, and things giving off a bad odor. The last two do not include _The Police Gazette_ or _The Philistine_.

_A Few Mythological and Cla.s.sical Names._

_Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor._

ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, who did a general slaughtering business in Troy in 1180 B.C., but was finally pinked in the heel--his only vulnerable spot--and died.

=Long life often depends on being well heeled.=

ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved by Venus and killed by a boar.

=Bores have been the death of us ever since.=

BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied the G.o.ds with nectar, the beer that made Olympus famous.

=Those desiring a drink, please ask d.i.c.kens if "Bacchus is willin'."=

CASTOR AND POLLUX. Two clever sports and twin brothers from Greece, Castor being a horse-trainer and Pollux a pugilist, whose sister, Helen, a respectable, married woman, disgraced the family by eloping with Paris.

=Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight, it's no sign he can manage a woman.=

CERBERUS. A dog with three heads, a serpent's tail and several snakes around his neck, who guarded the main entrance to Hades.