Toaster's Handbook Part 145

"'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole.

"'Crawl into that gunny-sack then,' said I.

"He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff.

"'Seen Ole?' said he.

"'Don't see him here,' said I, without lyin'.

"Then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted the gunny-sack over in the corner.

"'What's in here?' said he.

"'Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells,' said I.

"With that he gives it an awful boot.

"'Yingle, yingle, yingle!' moaned Ole."

MOTHER--"Tommy, if you're pretending to be an automobile, I wish you'd run over to the store and get me some b.u.t.ter."

TOMMY--"I'm awful sorry, Mother, but I'm all out of gasoline."--_Judge_.

"Children," said the teacher, instructing the cla.s.s in composition, "you should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and write what is in you. Do not imitate any other person's writings or draw inspiration from outside sources."

As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following composition: "We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write what is in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples, one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner."

"A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art,"

says a New York artist, "and it must be confessed that some ground has been given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my notice a picture of an a.s.syrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so careful was he of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked 'Nebuchadnezzar' in the corner, in cuneiform characters."

RECALL

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?"

JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum."

"Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Was.h.i.+ngton for six years."

"I don't know about that. My state has the recall."

RECOMMENDATIONS

A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In acquitting them the court, with great severity, said:

"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to me."

Next day the firm's advertis.e.m.e.nt appeared in every available medium with the following, well displayed: "Reference as to probity, by special permission, the Lord Chief Justice of England."

MISTRESS--"Have you a reference?"

BRIDGET--"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it."

There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardener for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, however, he gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I hereby certify that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that time he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed."

The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of working out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rather sheepish young man caused her mistress much apprehension.

"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting married?"

"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blus.h.i.+ng.

"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"

"Yes'm he's the one."

"But you have only known him a few days."

"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha.

"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such an important step?"

"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some new feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know was engaged to him for a long while."

An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a s.h.i.+p bound for America and asked permission to work their pa.s.sage over. The captain consented, but asked the Irishman for references and let the Englishman go on without them. This made the Irishman angry and he planned to get even.

One day when they were was.h.i.+ng off the deck, the Englishman leaned far over the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to haul it up when a huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The Irishman stopped scrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the Englishman had disappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps yez remember whin I s.h.i.+pped aboard this vessel ye asked me for riferences and let the Englishman come on widout thim?"

The Captain said: "Yes, I remember."

"Well, ye've been decaved," said the Irishman; "he's gone off wid yer pail!"