Toaster's Handbook Part 146

RECONCILIATIONS

"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing."

"Why don't you make up?"

"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity."

REFORMERS

LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer."

JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_.

He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform, I want--"

And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform."

The young woman sat before her gla.s.s and gazed long and earnestly at the reflection there. She screwed up her face in many ways. She fluffed her hair and then smoothed it down again; she raised her eyes and lowered them; she showed her teeth and she pressed her lips tightly together. At last she got up, with a weary sigh, and said:

"It's no use. I'll be some kind of reformer."

REGRETS

A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor, telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post."

After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his correspondence the following reply to a dinner invitation: "Mrs. ---- presents her compliments to Lord Houghton. Her husband died on Tuesday, otherwise he would have been delighted to dine with Lord Houghton on Thursday next."

A young woman prominent in the social set of an Ohio town tells of a young man there who had not familiarized himself with the forms of polite correspondence to the fullest extent. When, on one occasion, he found it necessary to decline an invitation, he did so in the following terms:

"Mr. Henry Blank declines with pleasure Mrs. Wood's invitation for the nineteenth, and thanks her extremely for having given him the opportunity of doing so."

REHEARSALS

The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle Abe, "who they buryin' today?"

"Pore old t.i.te Harrison," said the storekeeper.

"Sho," said Uncle Abe. "t.i.te Harrison, hey? Is t.i.te dead?"

"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped the storekeeper.

RELATIVES

"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's relatives."

"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!"

RELIGIONS

When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful of it, Bishop Brooks," remarked a listening friend; "it may be difficult to get your new religion through the Custom House."

"I guess not," replied the Bishop, laughingly, "for we may take it for granted that any new religion popular enough to import will have no duties attached to it."

At a recent conference of Baptists, Methodists, and English Friends, in the city of Chengtu, China, two Chinamen were heard discussing the three denominations. One of them said to the other:

"They say these denominations have different beliefs. Just what is the difference between them?"

"Oh," said the other, "Not much! Big washee, little washee, no washee, that is all."

A recent book on Russia relates the story of the anger of the Apostle John because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his ikon, but honored, instead, the ikon of Apostle Peter in St. John's own church.

The two apostles talked it over as they walked the fields near Kieff, and Apostle John decided to send a terrible storm to destroy the just ripe corn of the peasant. His decision was carried out, and the next day he met Apostle Peter and boasted of his punis.h.i.+ng wrath.

And Apostle Peter only laughed. "Ai, yi, yi, Apostle John," he said, "what a mess you've made of it. I stepped around, saw my friend, and told him what you were going to do, so he sold his corn to the priest of your church."

The priest of a New York parish met one of his paris.h.i.+oners, who had long been out of work, and asked him whether he had found anything to do. The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and replied:

"Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an' a foine job too! Oi'm gettin' three dollars a day fur pullin' down a Prodesant church!"

A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night, but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your religion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nights.h.i.+rt."