The City Bride (1696) Part 13

Mrs. _Ven._ So 'tis a sign.

_Dodge._ A Blockhead, to proclaim his own Disgrace, and make himself laugh'd at.

Mr. _Ven._ That's not it, he hopes to be the better by what is settled on the Boy.

_Dodge._ O, G.o.d's so, that's true: But never fear, I'll be hang'd if he carry it, for you have Money, as I told you, Sir, before: but see, Sir, there they are.

Mr. _Ven._ Yes, Yes, I saw them before: but come, where's our Wine?

(_Within_) [the Bell rings as at the Bar.

_Enter Drawer with a Bottle of Wine._

_Draw._ Here Sir,--Coming, Coming, Sir: _Philip_, speak up in the Mermaid, and bid _Jack_ light a Fire.

[_Exit_ Drawer.

_Comp._ Well Mr. _Pettifog_, and what think you of my Suit, Sir?

_Pett._ Why look you Sir, the Defendant you know was arrested first by a _Lat.i.tat_ in an Action of Trespa.s.s.

_Comp._ Yes, and a Lawyer told me, it shou'd have been an Action of the Case, did he not, Wife?

_Peg._ I have no Skill in the Law you know Husband, but the Gentleman did say so.

_Pett._ Aye, but your Action of the Case in this Point is too ticklish.

_Comp._ Well, but pray tell me, do you think I shall overthrow my Adversary?

_Pett._ Without all doubt, the Child he says is none of yours, What of that! I marry a Widow, and am by Consequence possess'd of a Ward. Now shall not I have the Management of that Ward? Now Sir you lie at a stronger Ward, for _Partus sequitur ventrem_, says the Civil Law: So that if you were within the Compa.s.s of the four Seas, as the Common Law goes, the Child must be yours, that's certain.

_Comp._ Say you so, Sir? Why then the Child's my own, for I have been a Coaster these five Years and more; and so my Service to you: [Drinks]. O your Attorneys in _Guild-hall_ have a rare time on't, by the Lord _Harry_.

_Peg._ They are as it were both Judg and Jury themselves.

_Comp._ And O how they will laugh at their Clients when they sit in a Tavern, and call them Fools, Blockheads and c.o.xcombs, and then whip up their Causes as nimbly as a Barber trims his Customers on a _Christmas-Eve_; a Snip, a Wipe and away.

_Pett._ That's very common, you shall have the like at a _Nisi-prius_.

_Enter Drawer._

_Draw._ Here's a Gentleman, one Mr. Justice _Merryman_, enquires for Mr.

_Ventere_ the Merchant.

Mr. _Ven._ Here Boy, desire them to walk up. [_Exit_ Drawer.] 'Tis my Brother, and a Counsellor, to make an End of this same Business.

_Enter Justice_ Merryman _and a Counsellor; both Tables rise and join together._

_Merr._ Your Servant, Gentlemen, your Servant: Counsellor _Blunder_ and I have been canvasing the Business of this your Difference; and I believe, Brother, the Law will determine it as we have done; for it is point blank against you.

Mr. _Ven._ If it is, I must be contented: Well Sir, the Child's your Wife's, and you shall have it; and to endear you the more to't, I'll settle my part of the Estate on you and yours for ever: Give me your Hand.

[_They shake Hands._

We now are Friends.

_Merr._ Why that's well said.

_Couns._ We all are Witness to the Agreement.

_Omnes._ All, all.

_Comp._ Nay I scorn to be outdone in Civility; therefore if you please I have a Gallon or two of Prize-Wine, and half a Dozen of good sound _Bruges_-Capons, which I'll treat you and this good Company with at Supper; but no more Mutton, no not a bit.

_Merr._ Well Brother, I'm glad you're Friends: Ods bobs I am. But come, let's home now, and see what's become of the Bride and Bridegroom: Farewel Friend, farewell: Come we'll pay at the Bar.

[_Exeunt_ Merr. _Mr._ Vent. _and his Wife,_ Couns. _and_ Dodge.

_Comp._ Come _Peg_, Come and kiss me.

[_Compa.s.s_ kisses Peg.

I am Friends with thee too now.

_Pett._ Aye, aye, you have Reason, she has earn'd you a good Fortune; and need not venture to Sea any more: Yet one thing let me advise you, 'tis Counsel worth a good Fee, for it cures Cuckoldom.

_Comp._ Sayst thou so, come let's hear it.

_Pett._ This it is, Make a flat Divorce between your selves, be you no longer her Husband, nor she your Wife: Two or three Hours after meet again, salute, woo and wed afresh, and so the base Name of Cuckold's blotted quite. This has been experienc'd and approved by many.

_Comp._ 'Tis excellent i'faith,--There, there's for you; and I thank you. _Peg_, I renounce thee,--nay and I renounce my self too from thee; thou art now a Widow, _Peg_; I'll go hang my self two or three Hours at one o' th' Main Yards, and so long thou shalt go drown thy self. Then we'll meet in _White-Chappel-Fields_, as it were by chance, and woo and wed again.

_Peg._ With all my Heart, kind Sir, fare you well.

_Comp._ Farewel Widow, remember Time and Place, and d' you hear, Put on your Sabbath-day best Clothes.

_Peg._ I will, I will.

[_Exit Peg._

_Comp._ Sir, I am beholding to you for your good Counsel.

_Pett._ No, Sir, you have paid me for 't, but I hope you do not intend to follow your own.

_Comp._ What is that?

_Pett._ Why, you said you'd hang your self.

_Camp._ No no, I have thought better on't, for I'll go drink my self dead drunk, then wake again, wash my Face, and meet the Bride.