Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs Part 16

Which was which he could never make out, Despite his best endeavour.

Of _that_ there is no manner of doubt-- No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- No possible doubt whatever.

The children followed his old career-- (This statement can't be parried) Of a highly respectable Gondolier: Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)-- But _which_ of the two is not quite clear-- Is the Royal Prince you married!

Search in and out and round about And you'll discover never A tale so free from every doubt-- All probable, possible shadow of doubt-- All possible doubt whatever!

DON'T FORGET.

Now, Marco dear, My wishes hear: While you're away It's understood You will be good, And not too gay.

To every trace Of maiden grace You will be blind, And will not glance By any chance On womankind!

If you are wise, You'll shut your eyes 'Till we arrive, And not address A lady less Than forty-five; You'll please to frown On every gown That you may see; And O, my pet, You won't forget You've married me!

O, my darling, O, my pet, Whatever else you may forget, In yonder isle beyond the sea, O, don't forget you've married me!

You'll lay your head Upon your bed At set of sun.

You will not sing Of anything To any one: You'll sit and mope All day, I hope, And shed a tear Upon the life Your little wife Is pa.s.sing here!

And if so be You think of me, Please tell the moon: I'll read it all In rays that fall On the lagoon: You'll be so kind As tell the wind How you may be, And send me words By little birds To comfort me!

And O, my darling, O, my pet, Whatever else you may forget, In yonder isle beyond the sea, O, don't forget you've married me!

THE DARNED MOUNSEER.

I s.h.i.+pped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, And, off Cape Finistere, A merchantman we see, A Frenchman, going free, So we made for the bold Mounseer.

D'ye see?

We made for the bold Mounseer!

But she proved to be a Frigate--and she up with her ports, And fires with a thirty-two!

It come uncommon near, But we answered with a cheer, Which paralyzed the Parley-voo, D'ye see?

Which paralyzed the Parley-voo!

Then our Captain he up and he says, says he, "That chap we need not fear,-- We can take her, if we like, She is sartin for to strike, For she's only a darned Mounseer, D'ye see?

She's only a darned Mounseer!

But to fight a French fal-lal--it's like hittin' of a gal-- It's a lubberly thing for to do; For we, with all our faults, Why, we're st.u.r.dy British salts, While she's but a Parley-voo, D'ye see?

A miserable Parley-voo!"

So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze, As we gives a compa.s.sionating cheer; Froggee answers with a shout As he sees us go about, Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, D'ye see?

Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer!

And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek (Which is what them, furriners do), And they blessed their lucky stars?

We were hardy British tars Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, D'ye see?

Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo!

THE HUMANE MIKADO.

A more humane Mikado never Did in j.a.pan exist, To n.o.body second, I'm certainly reckoned A true philanthropist, It is my very humane endeavor To make, to some extent, Each evil liver A running river Of harmless merriment.

My object all sublime I shall achieve in time-- To let the punishment fit the crime-- The punishment fit the crime; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment, Of innocent merriment!

All prosy dull society sinners, Who chatter and bleat and bore, Are sent to hear sermons From mystical Germans Who preach from ten to four, The amateur tenor, whose vocal villanies All desire to s.h.i.+rk, Shall, during off hours, Exhibit his powers To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.

The lady who dyes a chemical yellow, Or stains her grey hair puce, Or pinches her figger, Is blacked like a n.i.g.g.e.r With permanent walnut juice.

The idiot who, in railway carriages, Scribbles on window panes, We only suffer To ride on a buffer In Parliamentary trains.

My object all sublime I shall achieve in time-- To let the punishment fit the crime-- The punishment fit the crime; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment, Of innocent merriment!

The advertising quack who wearier With tales of countless cures.

His teeth, I've enacted, Shall all be extracted By terrified amateurs.

The music hall singer attends a series Of ma.s.ses and fugues and "ops"

By Bach, interwoven With Sophr and Beethoven, At cla.s.sical Monday Pops.

The billiard sharp whom any one catches, His doom's extremely hard-- He's made to dwell In a dungeon cell On a spot that's always barred.

And there he plays extravagant matches In fitless finger-stalls, On a cloth untrue With a twisted cue, And elliptical billiard b.a.l.l.s!

My object all sublime I shall achieve in time-- To let the punishment fit the crime-- The punishment fit the crime; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment, Of innocent merriment!

THE HOUSE OF PEERS.

When Britain really ruled the waves-- (In good Queen Bess's time) The House of Peers made no pretence To intellectual eminence, Or scholars.h.i.+p sublime; Yet Britain won her proudest bays In good Queen Bess's glorious days!

When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, As every child can tell, The House of Peers, throughout the war, Did nothing in particular, And did it very well; Yet Britain set the world a-blaze In good King George's glorious days!

And while the House of Peers withholds Its legislative hand.

And n.o.ble statesmen do not itch To interfere with matters which They do not understand, As bright will s.h.i.+ne Great Britain's rays, As in King George's glorious days!

[Ill.u.s.tration]

THE aeSTHETE.

If you're anxious for to s.h.i.+ne in the high aesthetic line, as a man of culture rare, You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and plant them everywhere.

You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of your complicated state of mind, The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a transcendental kind.