The Ghost Breaker: A Melodramatic Farce in Four Acts Part 9

DETECTIVE. Say--that will be about all from you!

PRINCESS. Yes, Carlos. Please let me attend to this matter. Won't you come in, gentlemen?

DETECTIVE. Thanks. (_Realizing they are already in the room_) That's all, Steward. (_Exit_ STEWARD; _enter_ DETECTIVES, _closing door._ JARVIS _slips wounded hand into coat pocket._)

JARVIS. Yes, we were just discussing that mystery, Inspector.

DUKE. You are, I take it, one of the--er--gum-shoes? (JARVIS _laughs and goes up stage._)

DETECTIVE. (_Glaring angrily for a moment, walks over toward him and shouts in his face_) Gum-shoe! Say, are you trying to be funny?

DUKE. Well, sir, you are talking rather loud and with undue asperity. I presume I have offended you.

DETECTIVE. _You presume!_ That's a hot one! Say, who are you, anyhow?

DUKE. I am Carlos Hernando Duke D'Alva. I have other t.i.tles, but they would hardly interest you.

DETECTIVE. Dook de Alver--and then some, eh? Ain't that nice? Well, if you was the Archbishop of Canterbury I'd run yer in and take yer 'sh.o.r.e if yer give me any more lip! (_To_ PRINCESS, _sucks his teeth contemptuously and turns his back on_ DUKE. _Produces notebook from pocket and addresses_ PRINCESS.) As you was saying when we was interrupted, you was in the hotel when the shooting occurred. Did you hear it?

PRINCESS. Yes, I heard two shots.

DETECTIVE. Did you hear anything else?

PRINCESS. Yes, I heard some people running near my door.

DETECTIVE. Any one come in?

PRINCESS. Yes, my maid was frightened and came in.

DETECTIVE. Aha! How did the lock on your door get broken?

PRINCESS. It was broken when I came. I explained all that at the hotel.

DETECTIVE. Um--all right. What about the colored man who came to your room and carried away a large bundle.

PRINCESS. That was my servant. I sent for him. They were purchases I made too late to put in my trunk. They are here, unopened; you may examine them if you wish.

DETECTIVE. That's all right, Miss, but what do you know about this?

(_Produces knife from pocket--walks slowly to her, examining it._) The initial on it is "W."

PRINCESS. Did I leave that? Thank you. I'm so glad you found it.

DETECTIVE. Then it's yours? Who is W? Your name is Aragon, I believe.

PRINCESS. I am Maria Theresa of Aragon.

DETECTIVE. But who is W?

PRINCESS. Why, er, it isn't W--you had it upside down. It is M--Maria Theresa.

DETECTIVE. That's all right, ma'am. Now there's just one thing more.

DUKE. (_Cross and touch_ DETECTIVE _on arm_) You will pardon me, but I wish to inform you that this man's name is Warren----

DETECTIVE. (_Crossing toward him_) Say! Who's conducting this inquiry, you er me?

DUKE. But, my dear man----

DETECTIVE. I am not your dear man. Cut that! You get out of here.

(_Forces him toward door._)

PRINCESS. Yes, do go, Carlos. Leave us to attend to this matter. I am sure we can finish this better without you.

DUKE. I merely wished to point out----

DETECTIVE. (_Interrupting and hustling_ DUKE _out_) You hear what the lady says. (SECOND DETECTIVE _cross to_ DUKE.) Cut it, or out yer goes, and if ye b.u.t.t in again I'll fan yer. Do you hear? (SECOND DETECTIVE _slaps_ DUKE _on arm, motions him to door_ R.)

DUKE. (_At door_) Infernal outrage! I shall report this to the King!

DETECTIVE. To the King, huh? Did you get that, Tom? Well, what do you know about that? (SECOND DETECTIVE _closes door._)

JARVIS. Don't be disturbed, gentlemen; he's quite harmless. You heard him talking about the King--he suffers from Regalmania. He has grandiose ideas.

DETECTIVE. (_Aside_) What does that mean, Tom?

SECOND DETECTIVE. (_With gesture to head_) Wheels.

DETECTIVE. You mean he is crazy?

JARVIS. Yes, he is at times; but he is not at all dangerous.

DETECTIVE. You lookin' out for him?

JARVIS. Yes, that's my job.

DETECTIVE. Sorry I had to be rough with him like that, Miss, but you saw he was gumming the game. I'm going back to New York in the pilot boat shortly and there wasn't no time to waste. Now just one question more.

How do you account for the blood on that k.n.o.b of your door?

PRINCESS. Blood, on my door---- Why, I----

JARVIS. I think I can explain that, Inspector.

DETECTIVE. Go ahead, then.

JARVIS. (_Cross_ C.) Allow me.

PRINCESS. Certainly.