The Pot Boiler: A Comedy in Four Acts Part 3

_Jack._ Oh, it's a long story--the point is, Dad has heard of it to-day, and he'll be wild. He said the last time that if I got into any more trouble, he'd turn me out.

_Jessie._ But, Jack! He won't really do it!

_Jack._ Yes, he meant it! And I don't want to give him a chance to order me out--I want to go before he gets here----_(He starts off Left.)_ I'll go and put on those hobo clothes.

_Jessie._ Jack! I beg you----_(Jack exit.)_

_Jessie (turns upon Bob)._ Bob, I think it's wicked of you!

_Bob._ Why, Jessie?

_Jessie._ To nag at Jack all the time! You've driven him crazy!

_Bob._ Never mind--he'll soon get sane. You never knew him to stick at anything very long.

_Jessie._ Oh! Oh! I think you're horrid! And right before our party--what will we tell the guests?

_Bob._ Tell them the truth; they'll think it's romantic--like a story in a play. Why, Jessie----

_(During this dialogue Jack has slipped back into the coat of Will and sits at the desk, Left_ 1. _The sound of a sharp whistle heard in the Real-play, Left_ 1. _Instantly the Play-play vanishes. Full light on the Real-play.)_

_Will (looking up in bewilderment and disgust)._ My G.o.d! What's that?

_Peggy._ Something at the dumb-waiter, dear.

_Will._ Oh, Lord!

_Peggy (rises)._ Wait, dear. _(Hurries out of door Left, calls at shaft.)_ Well?

_Voice below._ Garbage!

_Will (tears hair)._ Garbage.

_Peggy (cheerfully)._ All right! _(Returns and gets can, exit Left.)_

_Will._ Garbage! Garbage! Garbage!

_Peggy._ A little higher, please--there, that'll do! All right!

_(Enters.)_

_Will._ Can you explain to me one mystery of this universe?

_Peggy._ What, dear?

_Will._ Why does the garbage-man always call when I'm inspired?

_Peggy._ Dear Will--probably the garbage-man is wondering why you are always inspired when he calls.

_Will (moans)._ Well, shall I go on?

_Peggy._ You must wait, dear. He'll be returning the can in a few minutes.

_Will._ A few minutes! Oh, the agonies of being an author!

_(Eagerly.)_ Well, what do you think of my play?

_Peggy._ Why, Will, I'm sorry to disappoint you. It's very interesting--but it isn't a practical play. It would never go on Broadway.

_Will (in dismay)._ Not go on Broadway!

_Peggy._ No, dear. It's too talky--too much sociology. You can't get a Broadway audience to listen to long arguments.

_Will._ Isn't it what they all need? Those wage-slaves up in the galleries----

_Peggy._ I know, dear--but they've no idea they are wage-slaves, and they won't pay their money to hear you call them names. And down in the three-dollar seats are people who've made their pile, and don't want any questions asked about the way they made it. Cut out the sociology, Will!

_Will._ But can't one discuss modern problems in a modern play?

_Peggy._ Yes, dear, but you've got to go at it differently. You've got to get what the crowd calls the _punch._ Look at their faces, Will--see how tired they are! You've got to find something that comes home to them! Not arguments, not abstractions--but a clash of human wills! Something fundamental, that every man in the crowd can understand! Your idea's a good one, I think--having a rich boy go out to try his luck in the under-world. There's a chance in it for adventure, for fun, for suspense. You ought to know about that, since you did it yourself. But you've got to start him off differently----(_The whistle blows._)

_Will_. Oh, h.e.l.l!

_Peggy_. Wait, dear. (_Exit Left, calls down shaft._) Lower, please.

No--I said _lower_. There--not too low! (_Enters with can._) All right! Now, our troubles are over. Listen, dear. If you really want to write, you've got to think about your audience, and what they like. Just see, to begin with, you've left out the most important thing in any play--whether it's a high-brow tragedy or Third Avenue melodrama.

_Will_. What's that?

_Peggy_. The love interest.

_Will_. That's to come in the second act.

_Peggy_. Why the _second_ act?

_Will_. That's where Jack meets the heroine. I can't have two love-stories!

_Peggy_. My dear boy, you can have a dozen, if you've wit enough to get them in.

_Will_. With only one hero?

_Peggy_. Good Lord, Will! Didn't you ever love any woman but me?

_Will (disconcerted)_. But, Peggy----

_Peggy_. Didn't you?

_Will_. Why--you know----

_Peggy_. Of course I know! You were engaged to an heiress when you ran away and married an actress. Why don't you put the heiress into this play?

_Will_. Gladys?