Mr. Punch Awheel Part 15

_Fair Cyclist_ (_indignantly_). "'Woman'! How _dare_ you----"

_Donald_ (_out of breath_). "I beg your pardon, sir! I thought you was a woman. I didna see your _trews_."

Automobile dust-carts, says the _Matin_, are to be used in Paris henceforth. We had thought every motor-car was this.

Ill.u.s.tration: ENGLISH DICTIONARY ILl.u.s.tRATED.--"Coincidence." The falling or meeting of two or more lines or bodies at the same point.

REFLECTIONS OF A MOTOR-RACER

Two A.M.! Time to get up, if I'm to be ready for the great Paris-Berlin race at 3.30. Feel very cold and sleepy. Pitch dark morning, of course.

Moon been down hours. Must get into clothes, I suppose. Oilskins feel very clammy and heavy at this hour in the morning. b.u.t.ton up tunic and tuck trousers into top boots. Put on peaked cap and fasten veil tightly over face, after covering eyes with iron goggles and protecting mouth with respirator. Wind woollen m.u.f.fler round neck and case hands in thick dogskin gloves with gauntlets. Look like Nansen going to discover North Pole. Or Tweedledum about to join battle with Tweedledee. Effect on the whole unpleasing.

Great crowds to see us off. Nearly ran over several in effort to reach starting post. Very careless. People ought not to get in the way on these occasions. Noise appalling. Cheers, s.n.a.t.c.hes of _Ma.r.s.eillaise_, snorts of motors, curses of compet.i.tors, cries of bystanders knocked down by enthusiastic _chauffeurs_, shouts of _gendarmes_ clearing the course. Spectators seem to find glare of acetylene lamps very confusing.

Several more or less injured through not getting out of the way sufficiently quickly. At last the flag drops. We are off.

Pull lever, and car leaps forward. Wonder if wiser to start full speed or begin gently? Decide on latter. Result, nearly blinded by dust of compet.i.tors in front, and suffocated by stench of petroleum. Fellow just ahead particularly objectionable in both respects. Decide to quicken up and pa.s.s him. Can't see a foot before me on account of his dust.

Suddenly run into the stern of his car. Apologise. Can't I look where I'm going? Of course I can. Not my fault at all. Surly fellow! Proceed to go slower. Fellow behind runs into _me_. Confound him, can't he be more careful? Says he couldn't see me. Idiot!

Put on speed again. Car in front just visible through haze of dust. Hear distant crash. Confound the man, he's run into a dray! Just time to swerve to the right, and miss wreck of his car by an inch. Clumsy fellow, blocking my road in that way. At last clear s.p.a.ce before me. Go up with a rush. Wind whistles past my ears. Glorious! What's that? Run over an old woman? Very annoying. Almost upset my car. Awkward for next chap. Body right across the road. Spill him to a certainty.

Morning growing light, but dust thicker than ever. Scarcely see a yard in front of me. Must trust to luck. Fortunately road pretty straight here. Just missed big tree. Collided with small one. Knocked it over like a ninepin. Lucky I was going so fast. Car uninjured, but tree done for. Man in car just ahead very much in my way. Shout to him to get out of the light. Turns round and grins malevolently. Movement fatal. He forgets to steer and goes crash into ditch. What's that he says? Help?

Silly fellow, does he think I can stop at this pace? Curious how ignorant people seem to be of simplest mechanical laws.

Magnificent piece of road here. Nothing in sight but a dog. Run over it.

Put on full speed. Seventy miles an hour at least. Can no longer see or hear anything. Trees, villages, fields rush by in lightning succession.

Fancy a child is knocked down. Am vaguely conscious of upsetting old gentleman in gig. Seem to notice a b.u.mp on part of car, indicating that it has pa.s.sed over prostrate fellow citizen, but not sure. Sensation most exhilarating. Immolate another child. Really most careless of parents leaving children loose like this in the country. Some day there will be an accident. Might have punctured my tyre.

Chap in front of me comes in sight. Catching him up fast. He puts on full speed. Still gaining on him. Pace terrific. Sudden flash just ahead, followed by loud explosion. Fellow's benzine reservoir blown up apparently. Pa.s.s over smoking ruins of car. Driver nowhere to be seen.

Probably lying in neighbouring field. That puts _him_ out of the race.

Eh? What's that? Aix in sight? Gallop, says Browning. Better not, perhaps. Road ahead crowded with spectators. Great temptation to charge through them in style. Mightn't be popular, though. Slow down to fifteen miles an hour, and enter town amid frantic cheering. Most interesting.

Wonderfully few casualties. Dismount at door of hotel dusty but triumphant.

Ill.u.s.tration: _First Cyclist_ (_cross-eyed_). "Why the d.i.c.kens don't you look where you're going?"

_Second Cyclist_ (_cross-eyed_). "Why don't you go where you're looking?"

Ill.u.s.tration: QUITE IMPOSSIBLE.--_Motorist._ "What! Exceeding the legal limit? _Do_ we look as if we would do such a thing?"

Ill.u.s.tration: THE INTERPRETATION OF SIGNS

_Custodian._ "This 'ere's a private road, miss! Didn't yer see the notice-board at the gate, sayin' 'No thoroughfare'?"

_Placida._ "Oh yes, of course. Why, that's how I knew there was a way through!"

Ill.u.s.tration: AFTER THE ACCIDENT

"Toujours la politesse."

Ill.u.s.tration: QUITE A LITTLE HOLIDAY

_Cottager._ "What's wrong, Biker? Have you had a spill?"

_Biker._ "Oh, no. I'm having a rest!"

Ill.u.s.tration: WHATS IN A NAME?

_Old Gent_ (_lately bitten with the craze_). "And that confounded man sold me the thing for a safety!"

_Motoring Ill.u.s.trated_ suggests the inst.i.tution of a Motor Museum. If we were sure that most of the motor omnibuses at present in our streets would find their way there, we would gladly subscribe.

PROTECTION AGAINST MOTOR-CARS

Sir,--I recently read with interest a letter in the _Times_ from "A Cyclist since 1868." In it he announced his intention of carrying a tail-light in order to avoid being run into from behind. The idea is admirable, and my wife and I, as Pedestrians since 1826 and 1823 respectively, propose to wear two lamps each in future, a white and a red.

We are, however, a little exercised to know whether we should carry the white in front and the red behind, or _vice versa_. For in walking along the right side of a road we shall appear on the wrong side to an approaching motor-car. Would it not therefore be better for us to have the tail-light in front. Your most humble and obedient servant,

LUX PRaePOSTERA.

P.S.--Would such an arrangement make us "carriages" in the eye of the law? At present we appear to be merely a sub-division of the cla.s.s "unlighted objects."

CURE FOR MOTOR-SCORCHERS (_suggested as being even more humane than the proposal of_ Sir R. Payne-Gallwey).--Give them Automobile Beans!