The Tithe-Proctor Part 16

"Why, sir," replied Purcel, who, as the reader must be aware, was humbugging the worthy magistrate all the time, "I appeal to yourself whether it is not better for any one of these rascals to get a horsewhipping from me than a citation to the Bishop's Court from my father."

"Ay, but do they never happen to get both, John?" returned the magistrate. "But what has a horsewhipping and a citaytion to the Bishop's Court to do with aich other?"

"Simply this," replied the other, "that when my father hears I horsewhip any of them, he takes no further proceedings against them; and whenever I wish, consequently, to keep a fellow out of that troublesome situation, I horsewhip him from pure kindness."

"So that you look upon that as a good turn to them?"

"Precisely, sir. As I said, I horsewhip them from motives of humanity."

"Faith and don't be surprised, John, if they should happen to put a bullet through you from motives of humanity some of these days. However, do you think it is of importance?"

"Is what, sir?"

"The conspiracy. I beg your pardon--come into the office till I see what I can do for you at all events."

He accordingly preceded Purcel to his office, accompanied by Sam Finigan, a kind of thorough male domestic who acted as his clerk. Here he took his seat with a good deal of ceremony, hemmed several times, and desired Hourigan to be admitted. Just at that moment, and while Hourigan was coming in, a young lad, or tiger, a son of Finigan's, by the way, who had been in the habit of carrying letters to and from the neighboring post-office, now entered and presented him with one, to the following effect:--

"TO O'DRISKAL, THE SHONEEN MAGISTRIDGE.

"Sur this is to let you no that if you go an givin wan la for the poor and anud'her for the rich you will soon get a bullet through you as Tandrem af Tavnibeg got. If you wish to bay safe thin bay the poor man's friend--oderways it'll be worse for you.

"Kaptn Jostige."

O'Driscol having read this communication, became desperately disturbed for about a couple of minutes, after which, as if struck by some sudden thought, he appeared to recover himself considerably, but by no means fully, as was evident from the agitation of his voice and the involuntary tremor of his hands.

"I hope, sir," said Purcel, who could not help observing the commotion into which the notice had put him, "that you have received no ill tidings. You seem agitated and alarmed, or rather distressed, if one can judge; I hope there's nothing wrong."

"Why, no," replied the magistrate, "not exactly wrong; but it is certainly an infamous country to live in. I am an impartial man, Mr.

Purcel--I mane, sir, an impartial magistrate; but the fact is, sir, that every man is marked whose life is valuable to the government of his country. I know no man, Mr. Purcel--mark me you, too, Hourigan--I know no man, sir, in my capacity of a magistrate--hem--hem!--only according to the merits--I am as much the poor man's friend as I am the rich man's, and of the two more: if I lane at all, which I don't, it is to the poor man; but as an impartial man--magistrate I mane--I know naither rich or poor. On the bench, I say, I know naither poverty nor riches, barring, as I said, upon the merits."

"Beggin' your pardon, your wors.h.i.+p--an' before you begin--as I was comin' down here a while agone," said Hourigan, "I seen a strange and suspicious-lookin' man inside the hedge at the shrubbery below; he was an ill-faced villain, plaise your reverence, an' I thought I seen his pockets stickin' out as if he had pistols in them. I thought it better to tell your wors.h.i.+p."

The worthy magistrate had scarcely recovered from the first fit of agitation when this intelligence threw him into an immediate relapse.

Indeed so ludicrous was his distress that he actually wiped the perspiration from his forehead.

"Sam," said he, after a fit of tremulous coughing, into which he forced himself, in order to conceal the quaver which terror had given to his voice, "Sa--am--hugh! ugh!--go-o--an-n-d--ugh! ugh! ugh!--get a ca-a-se of doub-uble pis-pistols--ugh! ugh!--da--amn this cough--ough--and place--them-em on the table here--we--we--will at least pep-pepper the villain--if--if--he--he should dare to show his face---ace. I trust I--I--know my duties as--a mag-istrate--my cour--urage and in-trep--id--ity as such--ugh! ijg'h! ugh!--are no saycret now, I think."

"I don't believe," observed Purcel, "that there is one syllable of truth in what he says. I can read the falsehood in his eye. However,"

he added, "if you will postpone this matter of Hourigan's for a few minutes, I shall soon see whether there is any one there or not."

"Here, then," said the magistrate, "take these pistols" (pointing to those which Finigan had just laid on the table). Purcel declined them with a nod, taking a good case at the same time out of his own pocket.

"No, sir, thank you, I never travel without my two friends here, with either of which I can break a bottle at the distance of thirty yards.

You will be good enough to tell that to your friends, Mr. Hourigan, and also to reflect upon it yourself."

Having examined his friends, as he called them, he started out and proceeded directly towards the shrubbery, where, however, there was no trace whatever of any one. On his way home he met Fergus O'Driscol, who had been out that morning c.o.c.k-shooting through the grounds, and to whom he mentioned the story told by Hourigan. "Why, the lying scoundrel,"

exclaimed Fergus, "I saw him myself speaking to a new laboring lad whom Mr. Arthur, the steward, sent in there this morning to gather and remove the rotten underwood. He has only vamped up this story to frighten my heroic father, and between you and me it is not difficult to do."

"I dare say you are right, Fergus, but between you and me again, who is this new-comer you mention? for you may rest a.s.sured that if he be very intimate with Darby Hourigan, you had as good keep an eye upon him.

Darby is one of the good ones."

"I don't even know his name yet," replied Fergus, "but if we are to judge by appearances, he is somewhat of Darby's kidney, for a worse-looking young vagabond I have seldom laid my eyes upon. At all events I know Hourigan's story to be a lie, for as he came up the avenue I was in the shrubbery, looking for a c.o.c.k I shot, which dropped among the hollies, and there was certainly n.o.body there but this strange fellow and Hourigan, both of whom chatted to each other for some minutes across the hedge; and, by the way, I now remember that they kept watching about them suspiciously, as if they did not wish to be seen speaking together. The fact, now that you have mentioned the case, is evident; I could not be deceived in this matter."

"Well then," said Purcel, "I will tell you how we shall bring that circ.u.mstance to a test: get the strange fellow to walk my horse up and down the avenue, so as that he must necessarily come in Hourigan's way, and if they refuse to speak in my presence you may accompany me down the avenue if you wish--we may take it for granted that there is an understanding between them and on this account we will say nothing on our return, but that we failed to see or trace any one, which will be the truth, you know."

Whilst this conversation took place between the two young men, our worthy magistrate, now that he had an opportunity of recruiting his courage, withdrew for a moment, accompanied by his servant and clerk, Sam Finigan. "Sam," said he, in undisguised trepidation, "my life's not worth a week's purchase."

"That was a threatening letter you received, sir?" said Sam, inquiringly.

"The same, Sam. Upon my honor and conscience, they have threatened me with the fate of Tandrem of Tavnibeg, who got five bullets into him, not fifty yards from his own door. Get me the brandy then quick, and another bottle of soda-wather. Good Lord! Sam, see what it is to be an active and determined magistrate."

"Well," said Sam, after he had placed the brandy and soda-water before him, "it's one comfort, plaise your honor, that if they shoot your wors.h.i.+p, government will take a glorious revenge upon them. The three kingdoms will hear of it."

"Ay, but, Sam--good Lord!--here's G.o.d grant us a long life in the manetime! but upon my honor and conscience it's not revenge upon my own murdherers I want, but to be made a Stipendiary. Revenge! Good Lord!

what is revenge to a murdhered man, Sam, maybe with five bullets in him!

Now, Sam, this is not want of courage in me--but--but--mere distress of mind on looking at the state of the country. A suspicious-looking villain to be lurking in my own shrubbery, with the very pistols sticking out of his pocket! Good Lord! I believe I'll take another half-gla.s.s, Sam; I think I feel somewhat more intrepid--more relieved.

Yes, pour me out another half-gla.s.s, or a whole one, as your hand is in, Sam, and take another for yourself."

"Thank your wors.h.i.+p," said Sam, who never called him anything else when exercising, or about to exercise his functions as a magistrate, "here's the same, your wors.h.i.+p--G.o.d grant us both--your wors.h.i.+p at any rate--a long life!"

"And a happy death, Sam; there is no harm to add that to it."

"And a happy death, your wors.h.i.+p!"

"Well, Sam, here's the same! And now I think in a few minutes my natural courage will return; for indeed I'm too kind-hearted, Sam, and too aisily made feel, as you persave, for the traisonable state of the country, and of the misguided people. However, I only feel these things as a man, Sam, as a kind-hearted man, but not as a fearless and resolute magistrate, Sam: as a magistrate I don't know what fear is."

"That's well known, your wors.h.i.+p; when you're at the head of a body of polis or military, every one knows what you are; isn't dare-devil Driscol, your wors.h.i.+p, the best name they have for you?"

"True enough, Sam; d--n them; a man, especially a magistrate, couldn't be courageous unknown to them--they'll be sure to find it out. I'm a good deal relieved, Sam, and--hem--hem--let us proceed to investigate this important matter of Hourigan's. These Purcels are--hem--ahem--too much in the habit of violating the law, Sam, and that's not right--it's illaygal--it's illay-gal, Sam, to violate the law; I say so, and I think I can't allow such breaches of the"--here, however, the thought of the conspiracy occurred, and swayed him in a moment against Hourigan. "To be sure Hourigan's a scoundrel, and deserves a horsewhipping every day he rises."

"True enough, sir; and sure if the Purcels break the law, it is only upon the people, and arn't the people, your wors.h.i.+p, as ready to break the law as the Purcels! Sorra warrant, then, I'd grant against Misther John this bout."

"And what would you do, Sam?"

"I'd bind Hourigan over to keep the pace."

"I believe you're right, Sam; he's a bad bird, Hourigan; so I think the best thing to do is to tie his hands up for him."

"And if we could tie his tongue up too, your wors.h.i.+p, it ought to be done."

Here, on the other hand, the notice he had just received stuck in his throat, and reduced him to a new perplexity.

"But then, Sam," he added, "think of the revengeful spirit that is abroad. Good Lord! it is awful! Haven't I this moment a threatening notice on my table? Well," he added, "if ever a man suffered in the cause of government as a public man and an active resolute magistrate, I do; indeed, Sam, if I had known the cares, and troubles, and responsibilities of my official situation, I am not certain whether I would not have preferred a private station; but you see government will find out men of talent and public spirit. If I had less of either, it isn't threatening letters I'd be resaving this day. Come, then, let us go to the discharge of our duty, Sam, fearlessly and impartially, as a man entrusted with great public authority."

He accordingly proceeded to the office, a good deal recruited in courage by the brandy, but by no means altogether relieved from the apprehensions consequent upon the receipt of the notice and Hourigan's narrative.

Fergus and Purcel, on their way from the shrubbery to the house, fell upon a simpler plan by which to detect Hourigan's falsehood, and ascertain whether there existed any personal acquaintance or understanding of any sort between him and the new-comer.