The Tithe-Proctor Part 20

"And very creditable to Swiggerly," added O'Driscol.

"Yes, father," replied Fergus, "but I think he ought to preserve, if possible, a little more originality. The substance of that paragraph has been regularly in his paper, in one shape or other, three or four times a year during the last couple of years. I ought to except the introduction of the threatening notice, which certainly is a new feature, and the only new one in it."

"Fergus," said the father, whilst his round, red, convivial features became more inflamed, "you are super-critical this morning."

"Not at all, sir; but you will excuse me for saying, that I think a man who is seeking to ingratiate himself with the government, what is more, to receive substantial favors from it, ought not, from principles of self-respect, to suffer these stereotyped paragraphs to appear from time to time. Government is not so blind, sir, but they will at once see through the object of such paragraphs."

"Staryrayotyped! What the devil, sir, do you mane by staryrayotype?

Do you mane to make a staryrayotype of me? That's dutiful, Mr.

Fergus--filial duty, clane and clear--and no doubt about it. But I tell you, sir, that in spite of your staryrayotypes, it is such articles as the able one of my friend Swiggerly that const.i.tutes the force of public opinion. Government! Why, sir, the government is undher more obligations to me than I am to them. It was my activity and loyalty that was the manes, princ.i.p.ally, of returnin' the son of the gustus ratalorum of the county for the borough of Addleborough. He was their own candidate; and if that wasn't layin' them undher an obligation to me, I don't know what was. You may say what you like, but I repate, it's a right good, thing to have the force of public opinion in your favor."

"Yes, of public opinion, I grant you; but surely you cannot pretend, father, that such gross and barefaced flattery as that can be termed public opinion?"

"And why not, sir? Upon my honor and conscience, things is come to a pretty pa.s.s when a man--a magistrate--like me, must be lectured by his own son! Isn't it too bad, Catherine?"

"I am no politician, you know, but I think he doesn't mean to lecture you, papa; perhaps you ought to say to reason or remonstrate with--"

"Raison! remonstrate! And what right has he aither to raison or remonstrate with a man--or rather a magistrate--such as I am known by the government to be. He calls that paragraph gross and barefaced flattery, and myself a staryrayotype! but I tell him now that it is no flattery, nor anything at all but the downright naked thruth, and no man ought to know that better than I do, for this good raison, that it was myself wrote every line of it, and got Swiggerly only to correct it."

A deep and crimson blush overspread his daughter's face on hearing this mean and degrading admission; and Fergus, who was in the act of bringing a bit of ham to his mouth, suddenly laid it down again, then looked first at Catherine, then at his father, several times in succession. The good-humored girl, however, whose merry heart and light spirits always disposed her to look at the pleasant side of everything, suddenly glancing at the red, indignant face with which her father, in the heat of argument, and in order to ill.u.s.trate the truth of public opinion in this instance, had made the acknowledgment--all at once, and before the rosy blush had departed from her beautiful face, burst out into a ringing and merry laugh, which Fergus felt to be contagious and irresistible. On glancing again at his father, he joined her in the mirth, and both laughed long and heartily.

"And so, father," proceeded Fergus, "you bring us a paragraph written by yourself, to ill.u.s.trate the value of public opinion; but believe me, my dear father, and I mean it with all respect, these puffs, whether written by one's self or others--these political puffs I say, like literary ones, always do more harm than good to the object they are intended to serve."

"Never you mind that, Fergus, my boy, I know how to play my game, I think; and besides, don't you know, I expect a snug-morsel from government for yourself, my boy; yet you never consider that--not you."

"But, my dear father, I never wish to hear a respectable man like you acknowledge that he is playing a game at all; it reminds me of the cringing, sycophantic, and prost.i.tute crew of political gamblers and manoeuvrers, by whom, not only this government, but every other, is perpetually a.s.sailed and infested, and amongst which crew it would grieve me to think that you should be included. As to myself, if I ever get anything from government, it must not come to me through any of those arrangements by which trick and management, not to say dishonesty and conniption, are, to the shame of all parties, so frequently rewarded. With a slight change upon Pope, I say--

"'Grant me honest place, or grant me none.'"

"Pope! What the devil do I care about his opinions? let him preach and stick to his controversy with Father Tom--from whom he hadn't so much to brag of--but as for you, Fergus, you are, to spake plainly, a thorough a.s.s. What d--d stuff you have been letting out of you! Go and find, if you can, some purer world for yourself to live in, for, let me tell you, you are not fit for this. There is no perfection here, Catherine, is there?"

"Oh, yes, Papa! certainly."

"There is--is there? Well, upon my honor and conscience, now, this is the first time I've heard that argument used. Come, then, how do you prove it--eh?"

"There is perfection, papa, occasionally at least, to be found among women, and--you certainly, sir, cannot deny the truth of this--occasionally, too, among magistrates--ha ha! ha!"

"Ah! Kate, I know you of old! Very good that--extremely good, upon my word However, as I was saying, if you don't act and think as the world about you acts and thinks, you had as good, as I said, get a betther one if you can. Here, now, I see Mat Purcel coming up the avenue; and as I want to have some private conversation with him, I must be off to my office, where I desire you to send him to me. There's a time for everything, they say, and a place for everything--I hope, Fergy, you and I will have occasion, before long, to say, a place for some--ha! ha! ha!

Well, as I said, there's a place for everything! and I don't think it would become me to spake upon official business anywhere but in my own office. We must not only do our business properly, but look like it."

Purcel found our pompous little man enveloped, as we have already said, in a most fas.h.i.+onable morning-gown and embroidered slippers, and at the same time busily engaged in writing.

"How do you do, Mr. Purcel?" said he; "will you excuse me for about three minutes, till I finish this paragraph, after which I am at your service?"

"Certainly," said Purcel, "I'm in no hurry, Fitzy, my boy."

"Here," continued the other, "amuse yourself with that paper. By the way, there's a flattering notice there of your humble servant, by our friend Swiggerly, who certainly is a man of sound judgment and ability."

"I won't interrupt you now," replied the proctor; "but I will tell you my opinion of him by and by."

The magistrate then proceeded to finish his paragraph, as he said, by his important manner of doing which, Purcel, who thoroughly understood him, was much amused. He frequently paused for instance, placed his chin in the end of his half-closed hand, somewhat like an egg in an egg-cup, looked in a meditative mood into Purcel's face, without appearing to see him at all; then went over to the library, which ought rather to have been p.r.o.nounced his son's than his; and after having consulted a book--a Latin Horace, which by the way he opened at the art of poetry, of which volume it is, we presume, unnecessary to say, he did not understand a syllable, he returned to his desk seemingly satisfied, and wrote on until he had concluded the pa.s.sage he was composing. He read it once in silence, then nodded his head complacently, as if satisfied with what he had Written, after which he rubbed his hands and closing the desk exclaimed, "D--n all governments, Mr. Purcel, and I wish to heaven there never had been a magistrate in Ireland."

"Why, what kind of doctrine is this, Fitzy," exclaimed his friend, "especially from such a loyal man and active magistrate as you are."

"D--n loyalty too, Mr. Purcel, it's breakin' my heart and will break it--I think I'll emigrate to America before they kill me here."

"Why, to tell you the truth, my dear Fitzy, I was a good deal alarmed when I heard of that ugly notice you got; but it's not every man would have borne the thing with such courage as you did."

"Thank you, Mister Purcel, I feel that as a compliment coming from you; and by the way, I haven't forgotten to mention you with praise in my correspondence with the Castle. However--ha! ha! ha! you rather misunderstood me--I mane to say that the life is worn out of me, by our present government--Good G.o.d! my friend, surely they ought to know that there's plenty of magistrates in the country besides myself, that could give them the information they want upon the state of the country, and the steps they ought to take to tranquillize it, as well as I could; I can't, however, get them to think so, and the consequence is that that d--n Castle can't rub its elbow without consulting, me."

"Well," replied Purcel, "you are to blame yourself for it; if you were not so loyal, and zealous, and courageous too, as you are, they would let you alone and leave you to peace and quietness, as they do other people."

"Upon my honor and conscience, it's little pace or quietness they leave me, then; but I agree with you, that the whole cause of it is my well-known loyal principle and surprising activity in keeping down disturbance and sedition. Widow Cleary's affair was an unlucky one for me, and indeed, Mat, it was the activity and resolution that I displayed in making herself and her sp.a.w.n of ragged brats prisoners at the head of the Possy Comeatus, aided by the military, that first brought me into notice with the Castle."

The proctor, who feared now that he had mounted his hobby, and that he would inflict on him, as he was in the habit of doing after dinner, a long-winded series of his magisterial exploits, reminded him that he had expressed a wish to see him on very important business.

"I wouldn't care," he added, "but the truth is, Fitzy, I am pressed for want of time, as I should have been at the bishop's court, where I have cited several of these t.i.the rebels long before this. What is the business, then?"

"It is a matter, my dear Mr. Purcel--"

"Why the devil do you Mr. Purcel me?" asked the proctor, warmly. "It was formerly Mat and Fitzy between us, and I don't see why it should not be so still."

"Hem--ahem--why it was, I grant, but then--not that I am at all a proud man, Mr. Purcel--far from it, I trust--but you see--hem--the truth is, that to a man as I am, a magistrate--trusted and--consulted by government, and having, besides, to meet certain low prejudices against me in the country, here, I don't think--I'm spaking of the magistrate now, Purcel--not of the man--observe that, but the truth is--d--m the word, for I don't think there's in the whole catalogue of names, so vulgar a one as Fitzy--and be d--d to it."

The proctor laughed till the tears came from his eyes, at the dignified distress with which the great little man resented this degrading grievance.

"Ha! ha! ha! and so," said he, "I'm not to call you Fitzy; well, well, so be it--but I have been so long in the habit of using it in our conversation, that I shall, find it a difficult matter to change the practice. But upon my conscience, Fitzy--I beg pardon, Mr. O'Driscol, I must say--I think it great weakness in your wors.h.i.+p, to let such a trifle as that annoy you."

"It may be a weakness," said the other, "but before we go further, I make it a personal request, that you won't use Fitzy to me, and above all things, in the presence of strangers. I entrate and implore that you won't."

"Very well, then--a bargain be it--but I must insist that you never call me Mat, or anything but Mr. Purcel, again."

"Why, but you know you are not a magistrate, Mat."

"Never mind, Fitzy--hem--never mind, your wors.h.i.+p, call me whatever you like--unless a rogue--ha! ha! ha! well, but to business--what is this you want with me?"

"A business that, if well managed, may be a beneficial one to you and me both."

"Out with it, though--you know I'm in a hurry."

"Why now," proceeded the little man, relapsing unconsciously into a sense of his violated dignity,--"curse me, if I'd for fifty--no, not for a hundred, that the Castle should come to know that I was addressed as Fitzy."

The proctor's mirth was again renewed, but after a moment or two, the serious part of the conversation was resumed by the magistrate.

"Your son John, the other morning," he proceeded, in a low and confidential tone, "hinted to me that you had partly discovered--hem--ahem--a very important circ.u.mstance--in short, that you had partly, if not altogether, discovered a--a conspiracy."

The proctor stared at him with unaffected surprise, which, by the way, did not escape the magistrate's notice. "A conspiracy!" he added, "and did John tell you this?"

"Why, not exactly," replied O'Driscol, fearing that the young man, as we have already hinted, had been indiscreet, and consequently wished to keep him as much out of blame as possible; "not exactly, my dear Mat--hem--my dear Mr. Purcel, but you know that I am rather sharp--a penetratin' fellow in my way, or I would not be of the commission to-day--he seemed merely to drop the expression accidentally only."