Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 13

"I'm just keeping your dinner warm," she replied.

Coming home from work earlier than planned, the husband found his wife in the kitchen, bending over the oven. She looked so desirable, he immediately dropped his trousers and took her from behind. After it was finished, he gave her a sharp smack on the b.u.m.

"What the b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l was that for?" she raged.

"That was because you didn't look round to see who it was,"

he exclaimed.

Watching his wife put her bra on, the man sneered, "I don't know why you bother, it's not as if you've got anything to put in it."

"b.u.g.g.e.r off," she replied. "I don't complain when I'm ironing your underpants."

"Are you happy, darling?" asks the man after six months of marriage.

"Of course, I'm very happy," she replies.

"But there is something that bothers you, isn't there?" he persists.

"Well...er...it's just that you're always picking your nose and you're always on top when we make love."

"Let me explain," he says. "When I was growing up, my father used to say to me quite often, 'Whatever you do, keep your nose clean and don't f.u.c.k up.' "

"You know, Bob, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. My wife is just a dirty good-for-nothing. The house is a tip, she never cooks and the whole place is filthy. I've just got to get rid of her."

"Listen, Steve, I've got an idea," said his mate. I read somewhere that people can die from having too much s.e.x.

Why don't you spend the whole weekend in bed with her and see what happens." So Steve followed Bob's advice and spent the whole weekend in bed. On Monday morning, he was so knackered he could barely get himself to work. That night, he arrived home to find out how successful the plan had been, but as he walked in, he couldn't believe his eyes.

The house was gleaming, everything was spotlessly clean and a roast was cooking in the oven. Standing in the kitchen with a gla.s.s of champagne in her hand was his wife in a s.e.xy neglige.

"You see, lover," she said, smiling. "You do right by me and I'll do right by you."

A woman was so desperate for a husband, she advertised for one in the local newspaper. The next day, she got over 500 replies from women saying, "You can have mine."

A woman went to the doctor's complaining of a total lack of energy. After being examined, he told her she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown and should give up cigarettes, gin and s.e.x for 3 months. But after a week, the woman returned saying she was even closer to a breakdown if she couldn't smoke."

"OK, have 5 cigarettes a day."

Another week went by and she returned saying she missed her gla.s.s of gin so much, it helped to relax her.

"OK, just one gla.s.s a day," said the doctor.

Two weeks later she returned again and before she could say anything, the doctor quickly interrupted.

"OK, OK, but only with your husband - there must be no excitement."

"Doctor, doctor," said the frustrated woman. "How can I improve my husband's performance in bed?"

"Well, first of all, you must tell him what you want,"

suggested the doctor.

So in bed that night, the wife turned towards her husband and whispered, "Darling, caress my b.r.e.a.s.t.s and tell me how much you love me."

So the husband did as she asked.

Then, she whispered again, "Lower."

So in a very deep voice he said, "I love you."

In the middle of the night, the woman nudged her husband saying, "Jack, I think I heard a noise downstairs. Are you awake?"

"No," he replied.

A man sat at the end of the bar looking sadly into his pint of beer.

"You don't look so good, Bob. What's wrong?" asked the barman.

"It's the b.l.o.o.d.y wife," he moaned. "She makes my life so miserable, nag, nag, nag, all the time."

"Well, I've got a bit of advice," offered the barman. "There was a fellow in here not long ago who had the same problem and he was told that if he made love to his wife for five hours every night, she wouldn't be able to take the strain and within two months, she'd be dead."

"Was she?" asked Bob, with interest.

"You bet she was," replied the barman. So Bob went home and for the next six weeks he made love to his wife every night for five hours. One evening, he staggered into the bar looking 10 years older and completely knackered.

"How's it going?" asked the barman, looking concerned.

"Well, the wife may be smiling a lot more and enjoying life to the full, but I console myself with the knowledge that she's only got two more weeks to live."

The event made headline news in the local paper.

"Man of 80 marries girl of 21."

The man was in such great demand that it was arranged for him to hold a press conference when they returned from their honeymoon.

"How often do you have s.e.x?" shouted out one of the journalists.

"Nearly every night," replied the man.

"Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday ..."

A rich old man of 85 went to the doctor's for a check-up. He explained that he was about to get married to a young girl of 20 and he needed to know how fit he was.

"Well, for a man of your age, you are remarkably well, but,"

cautioned the doctor, "are you sure you're doing the right thing? It may well put a lot of strain on you."

But the old man could not be persuaded to change his mind.

"Well, in that case," persisted the doctor, "it may be a good idea to take in a lodger. I'm sure you will find the marriage a lot less strenuous."

The old man thought this over and said it sounded like a good idea. A few months later the doctor and the old man met up again at the village fete.

"h.e.l.lo, doctor," beamed the old man, "you must congratulate me, my wife is pregnant."

The doctor kept a straight face, as he wished the old man well.

"I guess you took my advice about taking in a lodger then?"

"Indeed I did," winked the old man, enjoying himself", and she's pregnant too!"

A young couple move to a remote island off the coast of Newfoundland. They are made very welcome by the locals although the husband is teased a great deal because he is clean shaven. All the other men on the island have long beards. One night, as the couple are getting ready for bed, he has an idea. When his wife has undressed, he asks her to do a handstand in front of the mirror. Thinking it very odd, but curious to know what he's going to do, she agrees. Then the husband puts his face between her legs and murmurs to himself. "Okay, maybe a beard won't be so bad after all.

The marriage was going through a rocky patch; even though Christmas was approaching, there was very little goodwill.

"Why you old skinflint," exclaimed Doris. "You haven't even bought me a present."

"Why should I," Bob retorted. "I bought you a plot in the cemetery last year and you still haven't used it!"

A man, his wife and daughter are arguing about who should pop down the shops for a pint of milk. "I'll tell you what,"

says the man finally. "Whoever speaks first has to go and get the milk." The others agree and silence ensues.

Ten minutes later, the girl's boyfriend walks in. "h.e.l.lo everyone," he says, but there is no response. "How about a cup of tea?" Still no one speaks, so he goes over to his girlfriend, gives her a lip smacking kiss and leads her out of the door and up the stairs. Half an hour later he returns looking a little flushed but still no one speaks. He decides to have a bit of fun so he goes up to the wife and gives her a kiss. He can't believe she doesn't say anything, so he takes this as a "yes" and takes her upstairs as well. Twenty minutes later he returns feeling quite knackered. As he pa.s.ses the mirror he catches sight of his bedraggled appearance and his hair which is now sticking up in the air. Needing to tidy up, he asks, "Anyone got any vaseline?"

At that, the man jumps up from his chair and rushes to the door. "You're right," he says, "a cup of tea would be nice, I'll just pop out for the milk."

A vicious burglar breaks into a house late at night, orders the couple out of bed and ties them up. Now the husband is a big sissy, afraid of his own shadow, so he whispers to his wife, "Darling, do whatever he says. If he wants s.e.x with you, then let him have it, otherwise he might hurt us."

"Whatever you say," replies his wife. "By the way, he told me he thought you had a nice, tight little b.u.m."

A husband and wife booked into an hotel only to find their room had two single beds. In the middle of the night, the husband whispered over, "Oh darling, sweetheart, how about coming over here so I can make love to my beautiful wife."

The wife slipped out of bed, but as she crept over to him, she knocked the bedside table and upset a gla.s.s of water.

"Never mind, darling," he cooed, "it's not your fault, it's just too dark in here."

After a pa.s.sionate session, the wife returned to her own bed but on the way back she hit the bedside table again and knocked over the lamp."

"Watch out, you stupid b.i.t.c.h, you're so b.l.o.o.d.y clumsy," he yelled.

CHAPTER 4.

NEST BUILDING.

For a man who spent so much of his youth on the nest, having to build one came as a bit of a shock. As newly-weds, he and Marjorie had their first house, a back-to-back, in Gas House Lane.

Mind you, decorating wasn't his forte, he thought D.I.Y. stood for "Drink It Yourself". He was a poor handyman, he got the putty mixed up with the vaseline and his windows fell out.

After only six months, Johnny and Marjorie's bedroom fluttered and echoed to the delightful patter of tiny feet. Well, he had to have somewhere to keep the pigeons after the loft blew down! Johnny was eventually arrested for being a Peeping Tom, after misunderstanding the meaning of Neighbourhood Watch.

CHURCH TIMES.