Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 14

It was Sat.u.r.day night and Ted and his two mates were all dressed up ready to paint the town red. But first, as usual, Ted popped into church for confession.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I slept with a woman who was not my wife."

"I suppose it was Mary from the dairy."

"No, Father."

"Don't tell me it was Beth at the Kings Arms?"

"No, Father."

"Then it must have been that brazen hussy from the newsagent's?"

After the priest had given out the penance, Ted went back outside to meet his friends. He smiled at them, saying, "It's worked again, lads, I've got the names of another three ravers!"

The young priest was about to hear his first confession.

Sitting further away was the old priest to keep an eye on him.

After it was over, the young priest asked how he had done.

"Not too bad," replied the old priest. "Just make sure you don't say really! never! core! and wow! so much in future.

Stick to more tut tuts."

A vicar went into a pet shop to buy something that would keep him company.

"I've got just what you need," said the pet shop owner. "Take a look at this parrot. Not only does it talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he'll sing 'Rock of Ages' and if you pull the string on his right leg, he'll recite the Lord's Prayer."

"That is truly remarkable," exclaimed the vicar, "but what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?"

"I fall off my b.l.o.o.d.y perch, you w.a.n.ker," screeched the parrot.

A simple-minded man was sitting opposite a priest on the train.

"Excuse me, why do you wear your collar back to front?"

asked the man.

"It's because I'm a Father," replied the priest.

"But I'm a father too," said the man, "and I don't wear my collar back to front."

"Aah, but the difference is, I'm a father to thousands."

"Well, in that case," retorted the man, "it's not your collar, it's your trousers you should wear back to front."

The local priest rang up his oppo in the Church of England asking him for a favour.

"I'm supposed to hear confessions in half an hour but something unexpected has come up and I have to be the other side of the diocese by 2 o'clock. Will you take over from me here?" asked the priest.

"What! but I've never done it before."

"It's quite straight forward" said the priest. "Sit in with me for half an hour before I go and you'll soon get the hang of it."

So the vicar agrees and is soon hidden away within earshot of the confessional. The first person to enter is a woman.

"Father, I have sinned."

"What have you done my child?"

"I have been unfaithful."

"How many times have you been unfaithful?"

"Four times Father and I am truly sorry."

"Very well, Put 2 in the box and say 10 Hail Mary's and you'll be absolved."

Not long after another woman comes in.

"Father, I have sinned."

"What have you done my child?"

"I have slept with a married man."

"How many times?"

"Twice."

"Then put 1 in the box, say 5 Hail Mary's and you'll be absolved."

Moments later the priest whispered to the vicar. "You see how it works? Take over from me now, I have to go."

So the vicar seated himself comfortably in the confessional and immediately a woman sat down on the other side.

"Father, I have sinned," she said.

"What have you done, my child?"

"I have committed adultery."

"How many times?"

"Only once, Father."

"Well, you'd better go back and do it again."

"What! You want me to do it again?"

"Yes, it's two for 1."

"h.e.l.lo Bob, how did you get that black eye?" asked John. "In church. As we stood up to sing, a large lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the cheeks of her b.u.m, so I pulled it out but all I got in the way of thanks was a black eye."

The following week the two men met again and John was amazed to see Bob had now got two black eyes.

"Don't tell me you got the other black eye in church as well?"

he said.

"Well that I did" said Bob. "I was in church with my son and when we got up to sing, the same woman had her dress stuck in the cheeks of her b.u.m. Before I could stop him, my son had pulled the dress out. Now I know she didn't like that so I put it back in ... and that's when she hit me."

Mother Superior was talking to one of her young nuns.

"Sister, if you were out late at night on your own and a man attacked you, what would you do?"

"I would lift up my habit" she replied.

"Goodness me, and then what would you do?"

"I would tell him to drop his pants."

"Oh, Lord! Save us!" uttered the shocked Mother Superior.

"And then what?"

"I would run away as fast as I could, and I can run much faster with my habit up, than he can with his trousers down."

A man goes into the confessional and says.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Yesterday, I cursed badly, using the F-word."

"Why was that?" asked the priest.

"I was playing a round of golf, all was going well until I reached the 10th hole when my T-shot ended up in thick undergrowth."

"Is that when you said the F-word?"

"No, I stayed calm, took my time and hit a clean shot out of the rough, down the fairway but at the last moment it hit a small branch and veered off into the bunker."

"I like a game of golf myself" said the priest "that really is so annoying, was that when you used the F-word?"

"No, I tried not to let it get to me. I took my time and hit a beautiful ball up onto the green only 2 inches from the hole."

"How frustrating, is that when you used the F-word?"

"No Father, I still remained calm..."

"Don't tell me!" interrupted the priest, "You didn't miss the f.u.c.king putt!!"

"Come in George," said the Mother Superior to her gardener. "I hear you've got a complaint."

"That I have," he replied, "one of your nuns has been doing press-ups in my vegetable garden."

"Well surely there's no harm in that."

"Aah, but you've not seen my cuc.u.mbers, they're all ruined."

A young girl went into confession and told the priest she had slept with four different men over the past week. Jack on Tuesday, Bill on Wednesday, Peter on Thursday and Chuck on Friday.

"Well my child" said the priest "on your way home tonight buy two lemons and suck on them."

"But Father, will that cleanse me of my sins?" she asked.

"No, but it'll take that b.l.o.o.d.y d.a.m.ned smile off your face."

Two nuns were walking back to the convent late at night when they saw a suspicious man coming towards them.

"Quick" whispered one of the nuns. "Show him your cross and he may leave us alone."

"Good idea," replied the other and raising her voice as loud as possible she said angrily "f.u.c.k off, you little b.a.s.t.a.r.d."

A drunk staggers into church and wanders up the aisle moaning to himself.