Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 15

"Help me, help me, it's b.l.o.o.d.y agony."

Eventually, he makes it into the confessional and all goes quiet. After a few minutes the priest decides he'd better find out if everything is alright so he says, "May I help you my son?"

"I don't know" comes the reply, "it depends on whether you have any paper in there."

In fact the story of Adam and Eve has become slightly mis- told over the years. As it happens, Eve was created first and G.o.d gave her three b.r.e.a.s.t.s. But after a while she complained that she was in some pain because they kept b.u.mping against each other, so he agreed to take the middle one away.

Time pa.s.sed and Eve began to get bored so she asked G.o.d if he could make her someone to play with.

"Of course" replied G.o.d. "I'll call him man ... now where did I put that useless t.i.t?"

The vicar knocked at the door and a boy of 14 answered, beer in one hand, a cigarette dangling from his mouth and girls hanging off his arms.

"Excuse me son" said the vicar somewhat taken aback "is your mum or dad in?"

"f.u.c.k off" sneered the boy "does it look like it?"

Three nuns went to confession.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned," said the first nun, "I looked at a man's p.e.n.i.s."

"Then wash your eyes with holy water," said the priest.

In came the second nun.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I touched a man's p.e.n.i.s."

"Then go and wash your hands in holy water," came the reply. The third nun went in and it was some time before she reappeared and joined her colleagues.

"Sorry I was so long," she said, "I just had to go and gargle."

A new vicar had taken over at the small village church of St Gregory and he was eager to make a good impression. After the service, the congregation emerged from the church and each shook hands with the vicar.

"Lovely sermon," said one.

"It really made me stop and think," said another.

All of a sudden, a rather scruffy man appeared and as he shuffled past he mumbled, "Load of b.o.l.l.o.c.ks."

Determined not to be affected by this, the vicar carried on greeting his paris.h.i.+oners.

"Splendid sermon," they said, "thank you very much".

"Quite inspiring."

The vicar beamed gratefully.

"Absolute c.r.a.p, call himself a vicar?" came the mumbling of the scruffy man as he pa.s.sed the vicar again. This time, the vicar was more upset and the situation worsened as the man kept appearing and making comments.

"Bored to tears", "not worth listening to", "what a prat!"

The vicar could take it no longer. He turned to one of the congregation and pointed out the scruffy man.

"Oh, you mustn't worry about old Ned, Vicar," said a kindly old woman.

"He's not right in the head, he just goes around repeating what everyone else has said."

"Oh Father, Father," said the distressed woman to her parish priest. "How would you tackle a serious drink problem?"

"With a corkscrew," came the reply.

A popular local dignitary had died and the church was full to overflowing with people who had come to pay their last respects. At the front of the church stood the coffin and just as the funeral service was about to start, an escaped lunatic jumped on top of it and started pulling at the clasp.

Immediately, one of the family hurried over and urged him to get down. But he refused to move.

"Look, I'll give you 20 to get off," said the man desperately but still the lunatic refused to move. Another member of the family came over and offered him 40. The lunatic shook his head. A third member came over and shouted, "Here, you can have 100."

"No," said the lunatic confidently. "I'll open the box."

Once a month, the vicar goes on a tour of his outlying parish and as he's walking up the lane to one of the more remote farms he sees the farmer in a field s.h.a.gging a goat. Averting his eyes he continues on and spots the farmer's son behind the haystack being intimate with a sheep.

Then, just as he gets to the farmyard he catches sight of the old grandfather masturbating. Unable to control his disgust, the vicar marches up to the front door and knocks loudly.

"Oh, good morning, Vicar," says the farmer's wife, "this is a nice surprise."

"Surprise my foot," splutters the vicar. "I've just seen your husband s.h.a.gging a goat, your son f.u.c.king a sheep and your grandfather having a w.a.n.k."

"Yes, I know, its very sad," she says, "but you see, grandpa's too old to go chasing the animals anymore."

Two nuns are cycling down a narrow cobblestone street when one says to the other, "I haven't come this way before."

"Neither have I, it's the cobbles you know," the other replied.

A man had been s.h.i.+pwrecked on a desert island for more than a week when he spotted a boat coming towards him.

"Hurry up, man," said the sailor, "Get on board quickly, there's a tidal wave coming and you'll be drowned."

"No thank you," said the man. "I have faith in Jesus, he will save me."

An hour later, another boat appeared.

"Come on, don't be silly, time's running out, get on board."

"No thanks," said the man again. "I have faith in Jesus, he will save me."

Two hours later, the tidal wave could be seen four miles away.

A third boat arrived and the man was urged to get aboard, but he still refused and within half an hour, the island was covered by the tidal wave and the man drowned.

A little later, up in heaven, the man b.u.mped into Jesus.

"I had such faith in you, but you never came to save me and I drowned. I can't believe it," he moaned.

"You can't believe it! What about me?" said Jesus. "I sent three b.l.o.o.d.y boats to save you!"

There was a knock on the Mother Superior's door.

"Come in," she called.

"Oh Mother Superior, you'll never believe this but we've discovered a case of syphilis," said the nun, visibly shocked.

"Oh good," replied the ageing nun. "I really was getting fed up with the same old muscadet."

Three nuns were talking and one was describing with her hands the huge melons she'd seen at the local market.

The second nun agreed the market was good value and described with her hands the great bananas she's seen.

The third nun, who was very hard of hearing, asked, "Father who?"

Poor old John Gentle. He was such a timid man. Easily upset. One day, he was inside the cathedral courtyard when his stomach suddenly started to rumble and he produced an earth-shattering fart. The whole place went quiet and everyone stared long and hard at him.

Poor, poor John. His embarra.s.sment was more than he could bear. He left town vowing never to return. However, five years went by, John had grown older and now sported a beard. He felt safe enough to return. As he arrived back he walked through the church courtyard once again and was astonished to see that it now had flower beds and a tree-lined avenue.

"I hardly recognise the place," he said to a man pa.s.sing by.

"How long's it been like this?"

"Oh, 18 months and 4 days since John Gentle farted in the courtyard."

One Sunday, the priest happened to notice that one of his congregation took 10 out of the collection, instead of putting something in. He decided to say nothing about it, a.s.suming the poor chap was in dire need of some money.

However the following Sunday it happened again and the priest felt he had to act. After the service was over, he took the man to one side and confronted him with his wrong- doing.

"Oh Father, please forgive me," said the man, blus.h.i.+ng profusely.

"I did it because I was in desperate need of a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b."

Surprised at the reply, the priest made the man promise that he would never steal again. But the incident stayed in the priest's mind and later that evening, he decided to ring his old friend who was Mother Superior at the nearby convent.

"Good evening, Bernadette, sorry to disturb you at such a late hour. I wonder if you could tell me what a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b is?"

She replied immediately. "About 10."

The old farmer was nearing the end of his life and felt the need to confess his sins before it was too late. He went to see the local priest. "Father, I have something to tell you. For over twenty years I've been s.h.a.gging my goats."

The priest was so stunned, the only thing he could think of saying was "Were they nanny goats or billy goats?"

"Why Father!" said the farmer, deeply shocked, "nanny of course - there's nothing queer about me."

EARNING A CRUST.

"h.e.l.lo Mrs Palmer, I'm your husband's boss and I'm just calling to say he'll be late home tonight."

Eager to keep her husband's boss happy, the wife invites him in for a coffee but when he starts to suggest they go upstairs she quickly refuses.

"Come on" says the boss, "I can show you a good time and I'll even give you 300 for the pleasure."

They were short of money so the wife agrees and the deed is done. Later that night, the husband returns home and asks his wife if she has had any visitors.

"Just your boss to tell me you'd be late home" she replies.

"Oh good," he says, "and did he drop off my wage packet?"