Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 88

A: They spend most of their time with their feet in the air!

Q: Why are lesbians fatter than straight women?

A: Because they don't do d.i.c.k.

Q: What is the first symptom of Aids?

A: A terrible pounding sensation in the a.r.s.e.

Q: How can you tell if a lesbian carpenter built your house?

A: All the joints are tongue-n-groove with no studs.

Q: Why do witches wear two pairs of knickers at Halloween?

A: Its stops them slipping of their broomsticks.

Q: What kind of encounter is guaranteed to leave your boots smelling funny?

A: A Close Encounters of the t.u.r.d Kind.

Q: How many Drunks does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two - one to hold the light bulb and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

Q: Why is pubic hair curly?

A: So your girlfriend won't poke her eyes out.

Q: What should you say to a tired mountaineer?

A: Everest!

I hear that the Cuban President Castro always wanted to be number one. Apparently people say he is not about to play second Fidel to anyone.

A cheeky chat up line...

Guy: Hi the word of the day is legs. Do you want to come back to my place and spread the word?

The smoker.

A man calls into his local radio station and says that his wife just given him an ultimatum, No more s.e.x until he quits smoking.

The DJ is gob smacked and asks him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

The man thinks for a while and then replies, "Until my girlfriend dies."

Tony Blair.

Tony Blair is at his weekly meeting with The Queen.

"I'm thinking about re-branding the Nation," says Tony, "I'm thinking we should call it a Kingdom."

The Queen replies, "One is sorry Mr Blair, but to be a Kingdom, one must have a King in charge and you're not a King."

Tony thinks for a while and then says, "How about a Princ.i.p.ality then?"

The Queen replies, "One is sorry Mr Blair, but to be a Princ.i.p.ality, one must have a Prince in charge and you're not a Prince."

Again, Tony thinks and comes up with, "Well, how about an Empire then?"

The Queen is getting a bit p.i.s.sed off by now and replies, "One is sorry Mr Blair, but to be an Empire, one must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor."

Before Tony can utter another word, The Queen says, "I think the best option is Country."

The English at War.

Oliver Cromwell is sitting in a pub with a Dutchman when a Royalist enters. The Royalist sees Cromwell and says, "You sir, are about to die!"

"I think not, Sir!" says Cromwell, "its you good sir, that are about to die!"

"What's going on?" asks the Dutchman, "and why are you being so polite?"

"Haven't you heard," says Cromwell, "we are in the middle of a civil war."

Lunch.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy are working as steeplejacks on the 20th floor of a new building. All three are eating lunch when the Irishman says, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opens his lunch box and shouts, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump as well."

The blonde opens his lunch and says, "Ham and cheese again! If I get Ham and cheese sandwich one more time I'm going too jump as well."

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage so he jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch box sees a burrito and jumps to his death.

The blonde guy opens his lunch box sees a Ham and cheese sandwich and jumps to his death.

At the funeral the Irishman's grieving wife says, "If I'd known how sick he was of corned beef and cabbage, I'd never have given it to him!"

The Mexican's grieving wife says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."

Then everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey," she says, "don't look at me! He made his own lunch."

Gone Fis.h.i.+ng.

A man phones his wife from the office and tells her, "Something has just come up. I have to go on a business trip for a week and I'll get the chance to do some fis.h.i.+ng. The fis.h.i.+ng is an opportunity of a lifetime! I leave right away.

So pack my clothes, my fis.h.i.+ng gear and my blue silk pyjamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry, grabs everything and then rushes off. A week later he returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Great!" he says, "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas."

"Oh no I didn't," his wife replies, "I packed them in your tackle box!"

Moral: Always check your tackle!

Computer dating.

A woman goes to a computer dating service and says, "I don't care about looks, income or background. All I want is a man of upright character."

The very next day a man goes to the computer dating service and says, "I don't care about looks, income or background. All I want is an intelligent woman."

After feeding both their details into the computer it immediately match on the grounds that they have one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars!

The cookery cla.s.s.

A woman goes to a cooking cla.s.s and all through the lesson she can her a little voice saying things like, "You are so beautiful. Your hair is like silk. You look radiant today, come back to my place and I'll get you cooking."

The woman mentions the cheeky voice to the teacher and asks who could be saying such things.

"O, it's that pan," replies the teacher.

"Really!" says the woman, "what kind of pan can do that?"