Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 89

"O," replies the teacher, "it's a Sauce pan."

Light bulbs.

Little Johnny and his two friends are talking one day.

The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool, he can eat four Burgers at one meal."

The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy can eat six."

Little Johnny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."

The other two boys, amazed, look at Johnny ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.

Little Johnny replies, "Last night I was pa.s.sing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing.'"

I was talking to a bankrupt bloke in the pub yesterday, and he said that he's going to moving to France.

"Why France?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "I've nothing Toulouse."

A mate of mine was offered a highly paid job as a Venetian blinds salesman, but turned it down.

When I asked him why he said, "It sounded like a shady business."

I mate of mine says that when a politician gets a cold, you never tell which way they'll vote, because sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose.

Did you hear about the fis.h.i.+ng contest that got very compet.i.tive?

Please said it was due to pier pressure.

Q: Why are pancakes like cricket?

A: The secret of success is to start with a good batter.

Did you hear about the rude hairdresser?

Apparently she is always making cutting remarks.

Q: How can you tell that all American doctors are quacks!

A: By the size of the large bill.

Did you hear about the bicycle salesman that broke his ankle?

He was unable to peddle his wares.

Did you hear about the politician that likes to fondle women?

He's been advised to entered grope therapy.

Casualty.

A bloke walks into a hospital casualty department and he's in a terrible state.

He's got two black eyes, a broken nose and he's covered in bruises.

"What the h.e.l.l happened to you?" asks the doc, "were you in a car crash?"

"Nope," replies the guy, "Lets just say that whoever said Honesty is the best policy wasn't married to a woman with a fat a.r.s.e!"

House Keeper.

Two blokes are talking about their wives...

"You know," says one "my wife has turned into such a slob. Every time I try to take a p.i.s.s in the kitchen sink I find it full of dirty dishes!"

Shakespeare the Cheese Salesman.

William Shakespeare used to be a Swiss cheese salesman at a Mud Wrestling Circus before becoming at writer. He had to change career because of the large number of complaints he was getting. People would say, "Hey, I want No holes, bard!"

The salesman.

A salesman stops by at farmer Browns. He knocks at the door and Farmer Browns wife answers.

"Is your husband home?" asks the salesman.

"Sure is" says the wife, "He's over there in the cow barn."

"Well, I have something very important to show him. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"

"I doubt it," says the wife, "He's the one with the beard and moustache."

Two Catfish.

A couple of catfish are at a movie when a shrimp and lobster walk in with a ma.s.sive carton of popcorn. One catfish asks his pal, "Do you think they will share that popcorn with us if we ask them nicely?"

"Nah," his pal replies, "They're two sh.e.l.lfis.h.!.+"

Car Trouble.

A woman is standing by car her car at the side of the road looking really glum. A guy pa.s.sing-by sees her unhappy face and asks if he can help.

"I've locked myself out of my car," says the woman.

"No problem," replies the guy, "Step aside and let me have a look."

The guy then rubs his leg slowly up and down the driver's door and suddenly the door opens.

"That's amazing!" says the woman, "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."

Q: How do you spot a paranoid woman at an orgy?

A: She's the one putting a condom on her vibrator.

Q: Why do they say eating yoghurt and oysters will improve your s.e.x life?

A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

A: Just one, but it takes the entire casualty department to get it out.

Q: What's the difference between a film and a witch's cauldron?

A: One is a motion picture. The other is a potion mixture.

Q: Who do garage mechanic's call Coffee?

A: Break Fluid!

Confucius says.