Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 91

Q and A Jokes.

Q: Which Monster plays the most practical jokes?

A: Prank-enstein.

Q: Why do women fart after they pee?

A: They can't shake it, so they blow-dry it!

Q: How do you know when a plane if full of female pa.s.sengers?

A: When it lands and they turn off the engine the whining doesn't stop.

Q: What's the definition of optimism?

A: An England Cricket Batsman that applies sun block before batting.

Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?

A: They drowned during Spring Training.

Q: How do we know that Dracula is a vampire?

A: In the census he stood up to be counted.

Q: Why has Dracula got heartburn?

A: He had too much steak!

Q: What's black s.h.i.+ny and sails the seven seas?

A: Bin-Bag the sailor.

Q: What did Charles find difficult about going on his trip to Arabia?

A: Leaving his servants behind.

Q: Why does Charles find his butler so attractive?

A: Have you seen Camilla?

Q: What should you do if you're a pa.s.senger is a car that's acting funny?

A: Check the nut behind the wheel!

Q: What did the cannibal say as he ate an explorer?

A: Doctor Livingstone I consume!

Q: What do you give to a distressed lemon?

A: Lemonade.

Q: A man is thinking about playing golf in the morning, so what did he do?

A: Play, in dew course.

Two blokes walk into a pub and the landlord greets one of them with, "h.e.l.lo Douglas Bardo, how are you feeling today?"

The blokes pal asks, "Oi Trevor, why did he call you that?"

"Probably," says Trevor, "because I was totally legless last night!"

A bloke walks into a pub and shouts, "Has anyone heard any royal rumours today?"

"I say," says one of the customers, "I'll be b.u.g.g.e.red if I repeat any of those..."

Two blokes are in the pub and ones says to his pal, "Do you know, all those stories about oysters being good for your s.e.x life are total c.r.a.p!

I had a dozen last night and only eight of them worked."

The bridge club.

While a woman is waiting for the members of the bridge club to arrive she accidentally lets rip with a ma.s.sive fart. The scent is unmistakable, so she fishes out a can of air freshener and hurriedly sprays the room.

Minutes later her pal arrives. Sniffing the air as she walks in the front door, she candidly announces, "Christ! What have you been doing in here? It smells like someone's s.h.i.+t in a pine tree!"

Honda.

Every time a guy farts the word Honda flutters from his a.r.s.e. Going to the doctors he demonstrates the phenomenon, which doesn't surprise the doctor in the slightest. The doctor simply asks the man to open his mouth where he finds a tooth abscess. The Doc quickly lances the abscess and the man's problem is cured!

"That's amazing," says the patient. "How did you know what to do?"

"Simple," says the Doc. "Everyone knows that an abscess makes the fart go Honda."

The fancy restaurant.

A woman is sitting in a fancy restaurant with some friends when she let's go a ma.s.sive fart. The waiter is standing behind her, so she loudly says, "Waiter, will you please stop that!"

"Certainly madam," says the waiter. "Which way did you sent it?"

Custody.

"Mom! Guess what? Daddy took me to the zoo this afternoon!" said the five year old after arriving home. Mom is really relieved, as all her ex husband ever seemed to do was drink and bet on sports.

"And Mom! Guess what? One of the animals at the zoo paid out 50 pounds!"

A wise man knows that ...

When looking for faults he should use a mirror, not a telescope.

Old timers.

Two old timers are sitting on a bench watching the world go by on a warm spring day, "You know," says one of them, "I may be 75, but on a day like today, it feels great to be alive. I feel like a newborn baby. How do you feel?"

His pal replies, "h.e.l.l, I feel just like a newborn baby as well. I've No hair, No teeth, and I think I've just p.i.s.sed my pants!"

Charles and Camilla.

Prince Charles is returning to the Royal Palace at Windsor when he runs over two of the Queen's favourite corgis. They are both flat as fan cake and while wondering what to do, a Genie appears.

"As the future King of England," says the Genie, "I will grant you one wish."

"Thank G.o.d for that," thinks Charles, "please resuscitate these corgis or one's mum will have my guts for garters."

The Genie looks at the two squashed corgis anxiously and scratches his head.

"Don't you have another wish?" asks the genie, "The corgis are mashed!"

"Well says Charles there is one thing could you make Camilla look beautiful?"