Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 92

"Hum," says the genie, "let me have another look at those corgis."

Two married women are talking and one says to her pal, "My husband tried to put the magic back into our love life last night."

"Really!" says her friend.

"Yep, but his wand wasn't up to it."

A sage knows that... "A man with a watch always knows what time it is, but a man with two watches is never sure what time it is.

A guy had a short story that everyone agreed was rubbish. So he decided to re-write it as a poem. When he handed out his new work for review, everyone agreed that it had gone from bad to verse!

A fat woman.

A fat woman goes to doctors complaining that her husband has lost all interest in her.

The doc asks her to strip off and looks her up and down.

"Madam," he says, "you're going to have to diet!"

"Well OK, if that'll get his interest back," she says reluctantly "What colour works best?"

A teacher asks her cla.s.s, "Who knows how to find the area of a right angle triangle?"

A voice from the back of the cla.s.s shouts, "Miss, Miss, when did you loose it?"

Two guys.

Two guys are rowing a boat along an underground Sewer putting down rat poison.

"You know," says one to his pal, "this is an oar-ful job!"

"Well, says his pal, "you might like it more when you're promoted to a Master Baiter!"

A peace protester goes to the doctors, as he's got a problem with his d.i.c.k.

"Lets take a look," says the doc.

"Hum, always use a condom," says the doc, "that way you'll make love not wart!"

The Indian chief.

An Indian chief has three wives.

The first gives birth to a boy. Elated, the chief builds her a tepee of deer hide.

The second gives birth to a boy. Elated, the chief builds her a tepee of antelope hide.

The third wife gives birth, but the chief keeps the details secret. He builds her a tepee, made of hippopotamus hide.

None of the tribe can guess what's happened, until one brave suggests that the third wife has had twin boys.

"Correct," says the chief, "How do you know?"

"Simple," says the brave, "The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

The Office.

A manager notices a new employee.

"What's your name?" asks the manager.

"John."

"I don't know where you've come from John," scowls the manager, "but we don't use first names here. I prefer my employees to use their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker etc. Now, what's your last name?"

The new guy smiles, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

The Chemist.

"I need some cyanide," says a lady.

"What for?" asks the pharmacist.

"To poison my husband," she explains.

"I can't give you cyanide! We'd end up in jail!"

She hands him a slip of paper. Shocked he replies, "O, you have a prescription! Why didn't you say?"

As he returns the photo of her husband in bed with his wife.

How do you do it?

Electronics Engineers do it with more frequencies and less resistance Electronics Engineers check their shorts before doing it Radio Hams do it till it Mega Hertz Glider pilots stay up longer Glider pilots do it in thermals Glider pilots do it quietly Accountants do it by double entry IT staff do it remotely Blood Donors do it three times a year.

Admin a.s.sistants do it for everybody else.

Golf...

A guy is sat at a table in the clubhouse, with his pal, after playing a round of golf.

"You know," he says, "I'm not going to play golf with John Smith anymore."

"Why not?"

"Well, this morning he found his lost ball two feet from the green."

"That's possible."

"Yea, but not when it's in my pocket!"

Q: How do we know that Old MacDonald was dyslexic?

A: He spelt farm E O I O E.

Q: Which country has the most streakers?

A: That would be Nude Zealand!

Q: Why doesn't Prince Charles have a bookmark?

A: He prefers his pages bent over.

A man rushes into his doctor's office and shouts, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm shrinking!"

"Settle down," the doctor says after calmly looking at him, "I've very busy today so you'll just have to be a little patient."

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

A: Cough, cough, choke!

I need a push...

A husband is in bed with his wife when there's a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock and it's 3:30 am.

"Who on earth can that be at this time in the morning?" A louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife, "It might be an emergency."

The husband groans, puts on his dressing gown and goes to answer the door. When he opens the door he finds a bloke that asks, "Eh mate, can you give us a push?"