Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 93

"No get lost, it's gone three in the morning," the husband replies.

After climbing back into bed the husband tells his wife what happened.

"Well that wasn't very nice of you," she says, "Remember that night when we broke down? It was in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on someone's door then. They helped get us started again. What would have happened if he'd told you to get lost?"

"Oh for goodness sake, okay I'll go and help him," says the husband, as he quickly gets dressed. When he opens the front door he can't see the stranger so he shouts for him.

"Hey there, sorry I was a bit angry with you, do you still need a push?"

He hears a voice reply, "Yeah please mate."

He still can't see the stranger so he shouts again, "Where are you, I can't seem to see you?"

The stranger replies, "Over here mate, on the swings."

The Welsh Wedding.

At a wedding in Cardiff everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row. They began to wreck the reception room so the hotel staff called the Police to break up the fight.

The following week both families appeared in court. The fight started again, until the Judge finally brought order with the use of his hammer. The courtroom went silent and the best man Dai stood up.

"Judge I was the best man at the wedding and I think that I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Dai to take the stand.

Dai began his explanation by telling the court, "It's a tradition in Cardiff that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. After I'd finished the first dance, the music kept going, so continued dancing to the second record. After the second record, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the third one. When all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and kicked the Bride in the crutch."

"Good Heavens," the Judge replies, "that must have hurt!"

"HURT!" shouted Dai, "It broke three of my b.l.o.o.d.y fingers!"

The Gates of Heaven.

Bill Clinton dies on Christmas Eve and he met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates along with two other blokes.

"In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to enter the Pearly Gates and Heaven."

The first man, a smoker, fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a lighter. He flicked it on and says, "Here this represents a candle."

"You may pa.s.s through the Pearly Gates," replies Saint Peter.

The second man reaches into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shakes them and says, "They're bells."

"You may pa.s.s through the Pearly Gates," replies Saint Peter.

Bill Clinton starts searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulls out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looks at Bill with a raised eyebrow and asks, "And just what do those symbolize?"

"Why," says Bill, "They're Carol's."

The Golf Pro.

A guy's tee shot towards the first pin hooks terribly and bounces off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth trying to find the ball, so he tees up another and plays on. When he gets back to the clubhouse after finis.h.i.+ng his game, the Pro comes running over to him.

"Hey," says the Pro, "Did you see what happened to that ball you hit off the first tee?"

"I hooked it and it bounced off the clubhouse roof," replies the guy.

"Yea," says the Pro, "but that's not all! It ricocheted off the clubhouse roof, smashed a van's window; the van went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three of the kids are in critical condition at the local hospital!"

"Oh my G.o.d!" says the guy, "What should I do?"

"Well," says the Pro, "I think you try to open up your club face a bit..."

Q: What do get if a truck sheds its load of super glue over a motorway?

A: A very sticky situation.

The Street.

Two guys are walking to their local pub when they suddenly see Jordan. As they carry on walking they also see Linsey Dawn McKenzie and Samantha Fox.

"Wow," says one of the guys, "I think I'm coming over all nostalgic."

"O yea, whys that?" asks his pal.

"Well this is turning out to be a real trip down mammary Lane."

The Lion King.

A lion is enjoying drinking from a puddle and has his tail up in the air. A gorilla on seeing this sneaks up behind him and gives the lion's a.s.s a torrid shafting. The gorilla then jumps off and runs for it with the lion in hot pursuit. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, runs into a tent, puts on a safari outfit, pith helmet and pretends to read a copy of The Times.

The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and roars, "Did a gorilla come through here?" The gorilla replies, "You mean the one that f.u.c.ked a lion up the a.s.s?"

"My Man!" says the loin, "are the rumours in the paper already?"

Q: What's the difference between a weight lifting contest and a night in with a p.o.r.n video?

A: One is a Clean and Jerk...

Where are babies from?

A mother is in the kitchen making supper when her youngest daughter walks in and asks, "Mum, where do babies come from?"

After thinking for a while the mother replies, "Well dear.... mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom...they kiss, hug and have s.e.x." The child looks puzzled, but the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his p.e.n.i.s in the mommy's v.a.g.i.n.a. That's how you get a babies."

"Oh I see," replies the youngster, "but the other night when I came into yours room you had daddy's p.e.n.i.s in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

The Mother smiles and replies, "Jewellery dear."

Q: What do creepy guys say at the International Date Line?

A: Hi there can I buy you a drink?

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?

A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

A: The outside!

A leading condom manufacturer in Australia has had to close their Sydney office.

Apparently, it only takes one Johnny to screw all of Australia!

Christmas dinner.

A family have just finished their Christmas dinner when the son says to his dad, "Do you feel bloated after Christmas dinner?"

"No son," replies the dad, "I don't go anywhere near your mother."

Gone Fis.h.i.+ng.

Two guys are out fis.h.i.+ng when one of them catches a ma.s.sive fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open a genie pops out.

"Thanks for freeing me," says the genie, "I'll grant you one wis.h.!.+"

The fisherman thinks for a moment and then says, "We're almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole d.a.m.n lake into beer!" with a poof of smoke the genie grants his wish and leaves.

His partner then slaps him and says, "What the h.e.l.l did you do that for? Now we're going to have to p.i.s.s in the boat!"