Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 94

The widow.

A widow is sitting on a beach when she notices a guy place his towel on the sand and begin reading a book.

A little lonely, she attempts to strike up a conversation with him.

"Morning, nice day?"

"Sure is," responds the guy and turns back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asks.

"It's the first time since my wife died last year," he replies.

"Do you live around here?" she enquires.

"Yes," he answers, continuing to read.

The widow persists, "Do you like p.u.s.s.y cats?"

With that, the guy throws his book down, jumps off his towel, tears off both their swimsuits, and gives her a right good seeing too!

As the cloud of sand begins to settle, the widow gasps and asks the man, "How did you know that I wanted that?"

"How did you know," the man replies, "that my name is Katz?"

Q: Where do the French hide their money?

A: Underneath the soap.

Q: What's wet and says, "h.e.l.lo, h.e.l.lo" on Christmas day?

A: A Yule Tide Greeting.

American forces have confirmed that a mistake in the announcement about Saddam's capture. He was in fact captured in summerset, England. Apparently he was hiding in a cider hole.

Blair and Bush.

When George W Bush was visiting Tony Blair's home he was astonished at how little land the UK's Prime Minister owns.

"You know Tony," says Bush, "Back home it takes me a whole day to drive round my ranch."

"O really," replies Tony, "I had a car like that once!"

She was only ...

She was only a grape picker's daughter, but she was never Chablis dressed.

She was only a Cab driver' daughter, but the fellows all think they auto meet her.

She was only a Chimney sweep's daughter, but she soots me fine.

She was only a Artist's daughter, but she knew where to draw the line.

She was only a Clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.

A penny for your thoughts.

A young Scottish lad and la.s.s are sitting on a low stonewall holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sit silently then the girl asks, "A penny for your thoughts Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushes and then leans over to kiss him lightly on the cheek.

The two turned once again gaze out over the loch. Minutes pa.s.sed, then the girl asks again, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushes and then leans over and cuddles him for a few seconds.

Again the two turn and gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl asks, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me put ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushes and then takes his hand and put it on her knee.

The two then turn again to gaze out over the loch. Again the girl asks, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glances down with a furrowed brow, "Well, noo," he says, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" says the girl filled with antic.i.p.ation.

"Aye," says Angus, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies!"

The Catholic School.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in her Catholic School. Usually she slept through the cla.s.s. One day her teacher called to her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't answer, little Johnny her friend, took a pencil and jabbed her in the a.r.s.e.

"G.o.d Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun smiled and said, "Very good."

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" Again she didn't answer so Johnny jabbed her in the a.r.s.e again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said, "Very good."

A little while latter the Nun asked her a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jump out of her seat and shouted, "If you stick that d.a.m.n thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

A poem ...

One bright morning, in the middle of the night, Two dead men got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot one another.

A deaf policeman heard the noise and came, And shot the two dead men once again, If you don't believe this tale is true, Just ask the blind man - He saw it too!

The deal.

A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of Tampax for a pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, "Is price correct?"

"Sure is," says the manager, "5 boxes for a pound and no strings attached!"

A woman calls her plumber and says, "Can you come over and fix my kitchen sink again?"

"Of course," he says, "You know I'm always at your disposal."

Did you hear about a radical segment of the woodworkers union?

They've formed a splinter group.

Did you hear about the woman on a diet that went to a paint store?

She'd heard you could get thinner there.

Things you can only say at Christmas.

1. I prefer b.r.e.a.s.t.s to legs.

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the b.u.t.ter all over the b.r.e.a.s.t.s!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?