Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 96

Q: What do American right-wingers think about Joseph Stalin's grave?

A: It a Communist Plot!

Confucius says...

A Man that throws away his watch is losing time.

All men eat, but Fu Manchu.

If your tires are bald, expect hairy driving.

A woman on a weight watchers diet can get a little behind with her payments.

I need acupuncture for a headache - like a hole in the head.

Change is inevitable! Except when you put your money in a vending machine.

One-liners.

Did you hear about the guy that had a flea circus stage act?

He was doing really well until a dog act came to the same theatre and stole the show.

My dog Minton just ate two of my expensive shuttlec.o.c.ks!

"Bad Minton!"

Organizers of National o.r.g.a.s.m Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women surveyed just pretended to celebrate.

Up side downers - Ever wondered why...

We chop down trees, but chop up wood.

We eat up food, but down a drink.

Definitions.

Cla.s.sic: When all your students are ill.

Somersault: Seasoning used during the warm months of the year.

Flatulent: "Do you still own the FLATULENT me when I was in London?"

"My arm!", said Captain Hook offhandedly.

Dermatologist: Lance Boyles.

s.e.x education teacher: Jen Italia.

W. C. Fields: Area of camping grounds used for urinating and defecating.

Skiving.

Fred and Bert, two factory workers, are talking when Bert says, "I've got a great idea to get us some time off work."

"O yea," says Fred, "and how are you going to do that?"

Bert then proceeds to climb up into the rafters and hanging upside down.

The boss walks in he see the Bert hanging from the ceiling and asks him what he's doing?

"I'm a light bulb," answers Bert.

"I think," says the Boss, "you need some time off work." So with that comment the Bert jumps down and walks out of the factory. So Fred then gets his stuff and starts walking out too.

"Hey," says the boss, "Where do you think you're going?"

"Home," says Fred, "Do don't expect me to work in the dark do you?"

Q: Why is it illegal for blind people to go skydiving?

A: It scares the c.r.a.p out of the dog!

Q: What's the sleepiest place in Scotland?

A: Tiredness.

Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

A: An a.s.s that brings tears to your eyes.

A guy walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with a cordon-bleu cook.

"O my G.o.d," shouts the husband, "I thought you said you'd gone to bed with a good book!"

Q: What's the most expensive thing on earth?

A: A woman that's free for the weekend!

The come on.

A guy standing outside a fancy block of flats in London when all of a sudden he hears, "h.e.l.lo, handsome." He looks up and sees a middle-ages woman, naked from the waist up, hanging out of a window and waving.

"Come on up flat 14," she says.

The guy rushes to the front door and runs up the stairs. When he knocks on the door.

The woman opens it and pulls him in. She's stark naked. The guy can't believe it. She leads him into the living room without saying a word. She unbuckles his belt, pulls down his zipper and then yanks his pants around his ankles. The guy is so excited he's got a ma.s.sive b.o.n.e.r. She cups his hard-on in her hand, strokes it a few times, and punches him in the b.o.l.l.o.c.ks!

While the guy is doubled up in pain she shots, "And don't you ever park in my f.u.c.king s.p.a.ce again!"

The Phone call.

A guy disguising his voice and then calls up his ex-wife and asks to speak to himself.

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore," she says, "We're divorced!"

Next day, the guy does the same thing and gets the same result.

He does this everyday for a week until finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.

"Look you idiot!" she says, "We're divorced! Finished! End of story! When are you going to get that into your fat head?"

"Oh, I know!" says the guy; "I just can't hear it enough!"

A guy turns up at a Christmas party with a 7" vinyl record stuffed down his pants.

On his way in the female host giggles and asks, "Hey you! Is that a record in your pants?"

"I don't know Love," replies the guy, "but if you've got a tape measure we can soon find out!"

Tracy and Sharon.

Tracy and Sharon, two widows are talking....

Tracy: "That nice man Kevin Taylor has asked me on a date. I known that you went out with him last year, so I wanted to talk to you about it before I give him my answer."

Sharon: "Well, he showed up at my place on time and he was dressed like a real gentleman. He even brought me flowers! We got a Taxi to a fantastic French restaurant and had a marvellous meal. After the meal we went to the theatre to see a glitzy musical. It was only when we got back to my apartment that he turned into a complete animal. He tore off my dress and has his way with me twice on the couch!"

Tracy: "Good G.o.d! So you're saying that I shouldn't go out with him then?"

Sharon: "No! All I'm saying is wear an old dress!"