Jokes Book Collection Part Iii Part 1

PART III.

Most commonly known as "Abo jokes". However, even the term "Abo" has become "politically incorrect". This is unfortunate, as it is actually legitimate Australian slang. A lot of Australian slang for nouns are an abbreviation of the primary word, usually ending with a suffix of "o" or "ie". For example: Aussie (Australian), chrissie (christmas), pressie (present), blowie (blow fly), relo (relative), compo (compensation); Thommo (Thomas or Thompson), Abo (Aborigine), refo (refugee), smoko (smoke break), etc. Characteristics of Aborigines in jokes: Portrayed as lazy, dirty, ugly, alcoholic; sometimes as thieves, dumb.

Q: What do you call an Abo in an orange VW? A: A Jaffa. Q: What do you call an Abo in a Rolls Royce? A: A thief.

Q: What do you call an Abo in a suit? A: The defendant. Q: What do you call an Abo with a gun? A: Sir. Q: What do you call an Abo who does well in a an IQ test?" A: A cheat. Q: What do you call 50 Abos rolling down a hill? A: An Abolanche. Q: Did you hear about the two Abos who appeared on the TV show "That's Incredible"? A: One didn't drink and the other had a job. Q: What did Jesus say on the cross to the Abos?

A: "Don't do anything until I come back." Q: What do you get if you cross a New Zealander with an Abo? A: Someone who's too lazy to steal. Q: What are the four most difficult years for an Abo? A: Grade Six. Q: What's two miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: An Aboriginal Land Rights protest march. Q: What's black & brown, and looks good on an Abo?

A: A doberman. Q: How do you stop an Abo from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head. Q: What do you do if you see an Abo drowning? A: Throw him his wife and kids. Q: What do you call it when a bus-load of Abos runs off the end of Darwin pier, and they all drown? A: A good start. Q: Why do Abos smell so awful? A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: How do you kill an Abo? A: While he's having a drink, slam the toilet lid down on his head. Q: Why do Abos always hang around in groups? A: So that they can form a dope ring. Q: Why are Abos called "Boongs"?

A: Because that's the sound they make as they bounce off your truck's bull-bar. Q: What's the difference between an accident scene where a truck has killed a kangaroo, and an accident scene where a truck has killed an Abo? A: There's skid marks in front of the kangaroo. Q: How many Abos does it take to eat a kangaroo? A: Three. One to eat the kangaroo, and two to watch for trucks.

Q: What's transparent and lies in the gutter? A: An Abo with the s.h.i.+t kicked out of him. Q: What's the difference between a woman driving a Volvo, and a woman putting her hand down the front of an Abo man's trousers? A: She feels more of a d.i.c.k driving a Volvo. Q: What's the difference between an Abo and a bucket of s.h.i.+t? A: The bucket. Q: What's an Aboriginal vibrator? A: Eight blowflies in a sherry bottle. Q: How do you get an Abo woman pregnant?

A: Just come in the gutter and let the blowflies do the rest. Q: Why do Abo women eat with their legs open? A: To keep the flies off their food. Q: What's the difference between an Abo girl from Arnhem land, and rubbish in the street? A: Sometimes rubbish gets picked up. Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Arnhem Land? A: A tourist. Two Abos appear at the Pearly Gates, asking to be let in. Saint Peter says "No way, we don't let Abos in here". The Abos plead, telling him how they've been good Christians all their lives, and deserve to go to heaven. So, Saint Peter tells them he'll check with G.o.d, and off he goes to see Him.

G.o.d thinks it over for a while and then says "Well, we don't really want any Abos in here, but the rules say that we've got to admit them if they've been good Christians, so you'd better let them in". Peter goes off, then comes running back 2 minutes later: "G.o.d, G.o.d, they've gone, they've gone!". "What? The Abos have gone?". "No, the Pearly Gates!!!" An Abo finds an old bra.s.s bottle in his back yard, gives it a rub, and a genie appears. The genie tells him he can have three wishes. "I wanna be rich" says the Abo. "BANG": the back yard fills up with huge chests overflowing with gold coins and jewels. "I'm no fool" says the Abo, "I wanna be White". "BANG": he's changed, suddenly he's White, blond-haired and blue-eyed. "Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life".

"BANG": he's black again. I wouldn't like to say that Abos have a hygiene problem, but if you look carefully at the picture on the reverse side of the $2 coin, you can see the flies buzzing around the Abo's head. A Jew, an Irishman, and a Abo all died on the same day and went to heaven, where they were greeted by Saint Peter. "Good to see you guys, said Saint Peter. "One quick quiz and I'll be able to formally admit you to heaven." "Just a sec," said the Jew. "Being a Jew, I've had it rough all my life and I'd like to know if I can expect any religious persecution in heaven."

"Certainly not," said Saint Peter. "Spell G.o.d." The Jew does this correctly, and is let in. "Well, now," says the Irishman, "being Irish, I've been treated terribly, and I'd like to make sure I'm not going to encounter any more of that sort of stuff." "No way," said Saint Peter. "Spell Jesus." The Irishman does this correctly, and is let in. "Saint Peter," said the Abo, "as you can see, I'm black, and I've had to endure a lot of discrimination in my life. Can I expect any more of that in heaven?" "Of course not," said Saint Peter. "Spell chrysanthemum." An Abo falls off the edge of Ayers Rock. On the way down, he just manages to grab hold of a bush to save himself. As he's hanging there, wondering what to do, a great loud voice booms down from the heavens.

"This is G.o.d speaking" says the great voice. "Yes, G.o.d?" says the Abo. "Do you want me to help you?" "Yes, please, G.o.d." "Do you believe in me?" "Yes, G.o.d" "Then let go of the bush, and everything will be alright" The Abo lets go of the bush, and plunges to the ground below. Splat! The great voice booms down again: "Can't stand those black b.a.s.t.a.r.ds!" Three men are in a jail cell, discussing their crimes. The first man asks the second man, "What are you in here for?". Second man says "Armed robbery". "What did you get?" "12 years". First man to third man, "What are you in for?" "Murder". "What did you get?" "20 years". Third man then asks the first man, "And what are you in for?" "Burning Abos with petrol". "What did you get?" "Eight to the gallon". A Jew, a Hindu, and an Abo were travelling together, and as night fell they came to a little country inn. The innkeeper explained apologetically that only two beds were available in the inn but that he would be glad to make up a comfortable cot for the third man in the barn. So the three travellers drew straws, and it fell upon the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Just a few minutes later there was a knock on the door, to which the innkeeper responded. "I'm so sorry," explained the Jew, "but there is a pig in the barn, and my religion forbids me to sleep under the same roof as a pig." The Hindu had taken the next shortest straw, and so out he went. In a few minutes, though, there was another knock, and the innkeeper opened the door on the Indian fellow. Apologising, the Hindu explained that his religious persuasion forbade him to share shelter with a cow, and there was indeed such a creature in the barn. Finally, out went the Abo to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there was yet another knock on the door, which the innkeeper answered. And there on the doorstep stood the pig and the cow. A garbage truck stops outside a ramshackle old house in Redfern.

The garbo yells out to the old Abo sitting on the front step: "Hey, where's your bin?" Abo answers "I've bin in Queensland". Garbo: "No, where's your wheelie bin". Abo: "Well, I've weally bin in jail for the last two weeks, but don't tell anyone". Truck driver doing the long haul from Melbourne to Perth. Sees three Abos ahead on the road. Thinks "Bewdy", puts his foot flat down on the accelerator, speeds down the road, hits them all.

One Abo gets knocked into a nearby paddock; one gets smashed through the truck's windscreen; the other lands 100 yards down the road, gets up and runs away. Just then a cop car pulls up. "Oh, no!!" thinks the truckie. Cop asks truckie what happened, truckie thinks he'd better "come clean", so tells him the truth. "No worries" says the cop, "we'll charge the first Abo with trespa.s.s, the second with break and enter, and the third with leaving the scene of an accident". On his way back the same truckie picks up a hitchhiker. After a while the hitchhiker says he's tired and lays down in the truck's "sleeper" compartment for a rest. A while later the hitchhiker is woken up by the noise of the truck running over something: "BAs.h.!.+, BAs.h.!.+, BAs.h.!.+". "What's all the racket?" he asks the driver. "Oh, I just hit an Abo". "But what was all that other noise?". "Well, I had to go over two fences to get the b.a.s.t.a.r.d". On yet another journey, the truckie gives a lift to a priest. Later, as he's barrelling down the road, he sees an Abo ahead, he plants the foot down, and speeds towards him. At the last moment he remembers he's got the priest on board, and swerves, just missing the Abo. "I'm terribly sorry about that, Father". "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door".

Fred sees an old Abo walking down the road, apparently oblivious to the fact that he's wearing only one thong. "Hey, Jackie" calls out Fred, "You've lost a thong!". "Nah, mate" says the old Abo, "I've just found one". Fred: "There's only one thing worse than bigots". Jim: "What's that?. Fred: "Abos!". Fred: "Two Abos are standing on top of a five-storey building, a fat one weighing 20 stone and a skinny one weighing 8 stone, and they both jump off at the same time - who hits the ground first?".

Jim: "I don't know. What's the answer?". Fred: "Who cares?". Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven. The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500. The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left. Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story. Of course, they don't believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?". "Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $100, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it". A man was b.u.mping over an excuse for a road in his four-wheel-drive, way out past the Black Stump, when he saw an Abo carrying two sheets of corrugated iron and a carton of stubbies. He stopped to give him a lift, and the Abo chucked the two sheets of corrugated iron and the carton of stubbies in the back of the ute and hopped in beside the driver. "What the h.e.l.l are you doing, wandering around the outback with two sheets of corrugated iron and a carton of stubbies?" the driver asked. "The wife kicked me out," the Abo explained. "We had a court case. She got the kids, and I got the house and contents." If someone doesn't like to hear Abo jokes being told, it's probably because they're "dark" on the idea. ***JEWISH JOKES.***Characteristics of Jews in jokes: Portrayed as money-grabbing, stingy, sly and untrustworthy in monetary matters. Q: How can you tell a Jewish house? A: Toilet paper on the was.h.i.+ng line. Q: What's another way you can you tell a Jewish house?

A: Padlocks on the rubbish bins. Q: How can you tell a Jewish house at Christmas? A: Parking meter on the roof. Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus? A: He comes down the chimney and says "Hi kids! You want to buy some presents?" Q: Why do New Yorkers have gla.s.s rubbish bins? A: So the Jews can go "window shopping". Q: How was the Grand Canyon formed? A: Someone dropped 20 cents down a rabbit hole at a Jewish Convention. Q: Why do Jewish wives keep their old bras? A: So they can make Yarmulkes for their husbands.

(For those that don't know, Yarmulkes are those funny little caps that Jews wear on their heads). Q: What's the difference between pizzas and Jews? A: Pizzas don't scream in the oven. Q: Why are Yankee dollars green? A: Because the Jews pick them before they're ripe. Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years? A: Because someone dropped a twenty-cent piece. Q: Why do Jews have such big noses? A: Because air is free. Q: What happens when a Jew with a full erection walks into a wall? A: He breaks his nose. Q: What's a Jewish dilemma? A: Free ham. Q: What's the definition of a queer Jew? A: A Jew who likes girls more than money. Q: Did you know that the limbo was invented by the Jews? A: Yeah, it was from sneaking into pay toilets. Q: Why do Jewish wives use gold diaphragms? A: Their husbands like coming into money. Q: What do you get if you cross a Jew with a Gypsy? A: A chain of empty retail stores.

Q: What's the difference between karate and judo? A: Karate is a form of self-defence, and judo is what bagels are made out of (Jew dough). Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish? A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was G.o.d, and he thought his mother was a virgin. Q: Did you hear about the time when Marilyn Monroe slept the night on the steps outside the Hollywood synagogue? A: She woke up in the morning with a heavy dew (Jew) on top of her. Q: What does an Jewish American Princess (j.a.p) make for lunch? A: Reservations. Q: How do you know when a Jewish American Princess has had an o.r.g.a.s.m? A: She drops her nail file. Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl from f.u.c.king you? A: Marry her. Q: What's the definition of Jewish foreplay? A: Two hours of begging. Q: How do you tickle a j.a.p? A: Gucci, Gucci, Goo. Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and poverty? A: Poverty sucks. Q: What do you get when you cross a j.a.p with a prost.i.tute? A: Someone who sucks credit cards.

How does a j.a.p eat a banana? (This is a visual joke, so pay attention). Pretend you are holding a banana in your right hand. With left hand; peel off the three or four strips of banana peel about halfway down the banana. Continuing to hold peeled banana in right hand, place left hand behind head. Force head down over banana. Q: Why do j.a.ps wear bikinis? A: To separate the meat from the fish. Q: How many j.a.ps does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call Daddy, and one to get out the Diet Pepsi. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: "None, dahling, I'll sit in the dark..." Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live? When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months. Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, - I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself" she replied. Q: How do you say "f.u.c.k you" in Jewish? A: "Trust me!" Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. "Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse". "Ss.h.!.+" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. "Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?". "Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week." "So, Morrie," whispers Abraham "How do you start a flood?". Solly meets Morrie walking down the street. "Morrie, what's up? You look as though the cares of the world are on your shoulders". "Solly, the worst thing has happened. You know my son, Lou, the best son a man ever had? He worked hard, pa.s.sing all his exams in medical school. Became the best surgeon in the city. I sent him to Israel as a reward, and what happens? He comes back a goy! (Note: a "goy" is a Christian.) I'm going to the rabbi for advice".

"Funny you should tell me this, Morrie, but you know my son, Leon? A better son wasn't known of. Works hard, pa.s.ses all his exams in law school. Graduates top of the cla.s.s. Becomes the best lawyer in the country. To reward him I sent him to Israel. What happens? He comes back a goy! I'll come to the rabbi with you". They go to the rabbi, tell their story and the rabbi says "Oy vey! Do I know how you feel? Mine son, Moshe, works hard, pa.s.ses all his exams to become a rabbi. Becomes the best Talmudist in the country. As a prize I sent him to Israel, and he comes back a goy!". The three men decide to make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem to pray for G.o.d's guidance at the Wailing Wall. They arrive at the Wall, and tell G.o.d their sad stories, when all of a sudden there's a clap of thunder and a terrible voice booms down from the sky: "You think you've got problems? I have this fine son called Jesus, he goes into the family business, I send him to Israel to become the Messiah, and you know what? He comes back a goy!".

A Jew asked his rabbi why G.o.d had created gentiles. "Well," came the answer, "someone's got to buy retail". A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate. The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for G.o.d (to use for the parish) and all that landed outside was for himself (as living expenses). The priest said that his system was similar: He just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and that what landed on one side was for G.o.d and the church, and that what landed on the other side was for himself. The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same line: "I just toss the plate up in the air," he explained, "and anything G.o.d can catch he can have, while I simply take what's left."

Israel Moses, living in New York, married a Black woman. One day their boy came home from school very disturbed. "What's the matter, son?", asked Israel. "Am I a Black or a Jew?" "What's the problem?", asked his father, "You can be both". "No," said his son, "you see, a boy at school has got a radio he's selling for five dollars, and I don't know whether to bargain with him or to mug him!" Why did G.o.d give the Jews two stone tablets of Biblical Commandments? Well, first of all, G.o.d had offered His Commandments to the Germans. "Impossible!" they replied, "What's this stuff about thou shalt not kill? It's natural to kill". And so they refused them. So then G.o.d offered them to the French. "What's this rubbish about thou shalt not commit adultery?" they exclaimed, "It's in our blood! It's part of our way of life!". And so they refused them too. So eventually G.o.d offered them to the Jews. "How much are they?" asked the Jews. "They're free" came the reply. "In that case, we'll take two!" Just after the Six Day War between Israel and Egypt, a TV reporter had an interview with the Israeli general, Moshe Dayan. Reporter: "Tell me, general, how did the Israelis finish the war in only six days?" "Well, we only had the tanks on a week's approval!"

Priest is sitting in his confessional, hears an old man's voice on the other side of the screen. Old man says, "Father, I'm seventy-nine years old, I've been married to the same woman for fifty years, always faithful. Then yesterday I made mad, pa.s.sionate love with a pair of eighteen-year-old twins". Priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?" Old man says, "Never - I'm Jewish". Priest is puzzled. "Then why did you come here today to tell me this?" Old man says, "Oy, I'm telling everybody!". An American, an Australian, a Englishman and a Jew are all in a plane that's about to crash. "Let's make a pact," they say, "Whoever survives will put $200 in the others' graves to speed them on their way to the next world, and to thank G.o.d for surviving". The plane crashes and the Englishman is killed. The others go to his funeral; and, as agreed, the American puts $200 in notes into the Englishman's grave. The Australian also solemnly contributes his $200. The Jew writes out a cheque for $600 to the Englishman, puts it in the grave, and takes the $400 change. Amongst the survivors after the sinking of the t.i.tanic, there's two Jews in the swirling water; one can swim, but the other can't. The Jew who can swim grabs a piece of pa.s.sing wood, and tries to get across to the other Jew to help him stay afloat, but the current is too strong and he can't reach him. So he yells out to the struggling Jew: "Can you float alone?" The other Jew shouts back: "This is no time to be discussing business!" Fifteen minutes after the t.i.tanic sank, Israel and Abraham find themselves on the same overturned lifeboat. The water is freezing, sharks are cruising by, and the boat is slowly sinking. "Oh, well" said Israel, "It could have been worse". "Worse? How could it be worse?", screamed Abraham.

"Well, we could have bought return tickets!" Solly and Moses were also on the t.i.tanic when it went down. They scrambled aboard a lifeboat, and then, out in the middle of the ocean, Moses starts crying and wailing, and making a terrible scene. "What are you crying for?", asks Solly, "It's wasn't your s.h.i.+p". A Jew and a Chinaman were in a pub together. The Jew brought up the subject of Pearl Harbor, reprimanding the Chinaman for the disgraceful role his countrymen had played. The Chinaman protested vehemently, pointing out that the raid had been made by the j.a.panese, and that China was in no way to blame. "j.a.panese, Chinese, they're all the same to me " retorted the Jew. Pretty soon the Chinese fellow started talking about the tragic sinking of the t.i.tanic, asking the Jewish guy if he didn't feel some degree of personal responsibility about it. "Hey, wait a minute!" protested the Jew: "The Jews didn't have anything to do with the sinking of the t.i.tanic - it was sunk by an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg," said the Chinaman, "they're all the same to me." Sammy Davis Jr. stepped onto a bus in Jacksonville, and the bus driver said, "n.i.g.g.e.r, get to the back of the bus." "But I'm Jewish," protested Davis. "Then get the h.e.l.l off!" replied the driver. Little Sarah swallows a $1 coin.

"Quick!", shouts her mother, "Send for a doctor!" "Doctor? Rubbis.h.!.+", shouts her father, "Send for Abraham Goldberg! He can get money out of anybody!"

While on his parish rounds, Father O'Brien comes across three children playing together - two small strangers and Michael O'Connor, one of his flock. He stops, is introduced and - thinking of his priestly duties - tells the children he'll give $2 to whoever can answer the question, "Who was the greatest man on earth?" The boys think for a minute and one of the strangers, Mark Bunyan, bursts out: "President Kennedy". "Sure now," says the priest, "he was a good man all right, but not the greatest. Come now, Michael," he prompts, "you should know this if you remember your catechism". "Well, Father," says Michael, "I'd say it was Saint Patrick because he brought Christianity to Ireland". "No, Michael. It's a good answer, but not the right one," says the priest, and he confidently repockets the $2. But Isaac Goldstein, the other stranger, pipes up: "It was Jesus Christ". The priest pays up, but with a puzzled air. "Isaac" he asks, "surely someone of your faith doesn't believe that?"

"Oh no, Father. I know Moses was the greatest. But business is business". This Black guy was walking down 125th Street, kicking rubbish out of his way, when he spotted something that gleamed strangely. It turned out to be an oddly shaped bra.s.s bottle. When he rubbed it, a Jewish genie appeared. "I'll give you two wishes" intoned the genie (not the usual three wishes; after all, it is a Jewish genie). "Far out" says the Black guy, "First, I'm sick of being Black - I wanna be White, uptight and out-of-sight. Second, seein' how I love having women hanging around me all the time - I wanna to be surrounded by sweet, warm p.u.s.s.y". So the genie turned him into a tampon. The moral of the story? You don't get anything from a Jew without strings being attached. ***SCOTTISH JOKES.***Characteristics of Scots in jokes: Portrayed as money-grabbing and stingy. Many Jewish jokes can be adapted as Scottish jokes. McTavish, on a free trip to the pokies, had spent the entire two dollars he had brought along without winning a cent. Thoroughly disgusted, he stalked off to visit the gents and discovered that he needed 20 cents to use one of the cubicles. A man standing nearby gave him the necessary coin, but just as McTavish was about to use it he spotted someone leaving, so he grabbed the door before it slammed shut and got in for free. And so, with a spare 20 cents to spend, he returned to the machines and had a final fling. And wouldn't you know it? He scored the $10,000 jackpot! McTavish was ecstatic. "If it hadnae been for yon laddie I'd no ha' won," he exclaimed, "The mon deserves to be rewarded - I'll give him his twenty cents back. Two brothers, both Scots, named Jock and Sandy, go into business together. At the end of the first year they try to balance their account books, but were $9.50 short. They tried again and again, but no matter which way they tried to do it, they always came out $9.50 short. "Tell me the truth, Sandy," asked Jock, "Are you keeping a woman on the side?" ***IRISH JOKES.***Characteristics of the Irish in jokes: Portrayed as stupid and dim. It is interesting to note how many groups have used another group as the b.u.t.t of "stupid" jokes. Australians and the British use the Irish, the Americans use the Poles, the French use the Belgians, the Irish use the people of County Kerry, the Jews use the Jews of Chelm, etc. Q: How did the Irish acid-bath murderer loose his hand? A: Pulling out the plug. Q: How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?

A: Wave at him. Q: How do you brainwash an Irishman? A: Give him an enema. Q: Why did the Irishman refuse to be a Jehovah's Witness? A: Because he didn't see the accident. Q: What do you call an Irishman with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What's two miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A Saint Patrick's Day Parade. Q: What do you call an Irishman with a university degree? A: A liar. Q: How do you keep an Irishman happy in his old age? A: Tell him a joke when he's young. Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours? A: Give him a card with "PTO" on both sides. Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours? A: Put three spades on the wall and tell him to take his pick. Q: Did you hear about the Irish lesbian? A: She likes men. An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself. Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains. "I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick". "You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size". "You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad". Then there was the Irishman who went surf-riding. His horse drowned. Have you heard about the Irish tug-of-war team? They were disqualified for pus.h.i.+ng. Have you heard about the Irish cricket match that was cancelled because both sides showed up wearing the same colours? Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car? He had to use a coat-hanger to get them out. A drunk Irishman staggers into Church, and goes into the confessional. The priest says "Can I help you, my son?" The drunk says "I dunno. Have you got any paper on your side?"

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman arrived in Sydney too late to buy tickets for the 2000 Olympics. Even the scalpers had nothing to offer. The three were outside the main stadium and the cheers of the crowd were loud in their ears and every so often the tune of a national anthem would blare out as some athletic event was won. "Well, we've come this far, laddies," said the Scot. "I'm not going to be beaten." So saying, he looked around for inspiration and suddenly his eyes lit up. He ran to the car park fenced off with barbed wire held in place with long wooden stakes. He uprooted a stake, then stripped down to his singlet and underpants. His companions watched as, with stake clasped firmly in both hands, he jogged to the compet.i.tors' entrance. They heard him say: "McFaddon, pole vault compet.i.tor", and watched amazed as he was admitted to the arena. Inspired, the Englishman looked about; his eyes, lighted on the nearby cars. Without hesitation, he too stripped to his underwear, grabbed a hub cap from a nearby Holden and, jogging to the entrance, announced himself: "Lincoln, I'm expected for the discus event". He too was admitted. "Sure now," muttered the Irishman, "three can play at that game". So saying, he stripped to his underpants.... But the gateman was not deceived. This figure before him, wrapped in barbed wire and dripping blood from the many small cuts it made was not "O'Leary, for the fencing". Young Patrick is walking down Dublin's main street. Suddenly a man leaps out at him and punches him in the face. "There you are, Mick, that'll teach you!", The man shouts. But to his attacker's surprise, Patrick just laughs. "So Mick, you're laughing; I'll hit you again!" "Ha ha ha!", laughs Patrick, "the joke's on you. I'm not Mick!" Two men from Dublin were walking to the annual Dublin Fair when it started raining. "Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining". "I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it". "Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?" "I didn't think it would rain." An Irishman goes to his local post office with a parcel for his mother in Dublin.

"This parcel is too heavy" the post office clerk tells him, "you'll need to put some more stamps on it". Says the Irishman in amazement, "And, if I put some more stamps on it, the parcel will get lighter?" A young Irishman wanted to become a cop, and went for the rigorous entrance exam; the last question of which was "Who killed Christ?" The would-be cop went home excitedly, and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case already!" An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport. "I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years". "Will you be able to recognise him?" asked the American. "I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time". "I wonder if he'll recognise you?" said the American. "Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all". And what about the Irish explorer who paid 10 for a sheet of sandpaper? He thought it was a map of the Sahara Desert. An Irishman and a Jew were in a pub watching TV late one night when the eleven o'clock news came on. The first sensational story was of a berserk woman poised on a window ledge seven storeys up.

"I'll bet you a hundred dollars she won't jump," said the Irishman to the Jew. "You got a deal," said the Jew, sticking his hand out a few moments later when the woman plunged to a gory death. The Irishman sadly forked over the money and ordered another drink, only to look up in astonishment as the other fellow tugged on his sleeve and tried to hand the hundred dollars back. "It's all yours," the Irishman protested. "You won the bet fair and square." "Nah," said the Jew, "I saw it all happen on the six o'clock news." "I saw it happen on the six o'clock news, too," said the Irishman, "but I never thought she'd do it again at eleven." It was Sunday afternoon, and Pat and Mick were bored. "Let's go to the pictures," said Mick, "we could see Moby d.i.c.k." "I don't like them R-rated films," Pat replied. "Don't be so daft," said Mick. "It's about whales." "That's worse," said Pat, "I can't stand them Welsh b.a.s.t.a.r.ds." Three men, an Australian, a Scotsman, and an Irishman, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven. But when Saint Peter looks at his clipboard, he gets all embarra.s.sed. Shamefaced, he explains that there's been a mix-up, and that the three shouldn't have been killed today at all. To make up for it, Saint Peter says that they can ride down on the Heavenly slide back to earth, and if they yell out their favourite drink on the way down, then they'll land in a big vat of it, and they can drink to their hearts' content. The Aussie is first on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Aussie beer", and he lands in a large vat of beer, and starts guzzling it down. The Scotsman is next on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Scotch whiskey", and he lands in a large vat of whiskey, and starts to drink as much as he possibly can. Last one to go is the Irishman. On the way down, he's having such a fun ride on the slide, that he shouts out "Wheeeeee". Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair. "Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?" "Turpentine," said Mick. A few months later they met again. "What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy. "Turpentine," said Mick. "Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy. "That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine." An old Irish Army sergeant wasn't feeling very well late one night, so he went to the doctor and had a check-up. "When did you last have a drink?" the doctor asked him. "1945," said the sergeant. "That's a long time without a drink," said the doctor. "It certainly is," said the sergeant. "It's nearly 2130 now." On a small charter flight out of Dublin there were only four pa.s.sengers. An English businessman, a French priest, an Irishman who is the "Brain of Ireland", and an Australian mountaineer. Suddenly, the pilot enters the cabin looking white-faced. He apologises for the inconvenience, but announces that due to engine failure the plane is about to crash. "Regrettably there are only four parachutes," he announces, "but I know you'll agree that I should take one so I can report the cause of the crash". So saying, he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The priest says he has a flock of five thousand souls to look after, and he is a very important person to them. He grabs the second parachute and out he jumps. Then the Brain of Ireland steps forward and says he has to represent Ireland in the "Brain of the World" compet.i.tion next month, so for his country's sake he feels he has to take a parachute. So saying, he jumps. The Englishman turns to the Australian and says "Well, old chap, only one parachute left. What do we do now?". "No worries, mate," says the Aussie, "there's still two parachutes; the b.l.o.o.d.y Brain of Ireland took my b.l.o.o.d.y rucksack." On the other side of the Irish Sea, two Irishmen were travelling through Dorset when they saw a sign saying: CLEAN REST ROOM AHEAD. So they did. And you'll remember also the Irishman who got a job as a doorman in a big building. He managed very well with the PUSH and PULL signs, but he was seen struggling with his fingers under a door marked LIFT. Pat and Mick each had a horse, but they couldn't tell them apart. So Pat cut the tail off his horse, and all went well for a while. But then Mick's horse lost its tail in an accident, so they were back where they started. Finally, they consulted a wise man in the village where they lived and he said: "Can't you two fools see that the black horse is six inches taller than the white horse?" Then there was Barry O'Loughlin who went to the doctor to get some medicine as he wasn't feeling very well. "This is pretty strong stuff," said the doctor, "so take some the first day, then skip a day, take some again and then skip another day, and so on". A few months later the doctor met Barry's wife, and asked her how he was.

"Oh, he's dead," she told him. "Didn't the medicine I prescribed do him any good?" asked the doctor. "Oh, the medicine was fine," she replied. "It was all that skipping that killed him". Paddy O'Connor goes to see his doctor: "Doctor, my s.e.x life is terrible, absolutely terrible!" The doctor examines him, and says, "You need exercise. I want you to run every day, two miles a day. It'll improve your heart rate, your general well-being, your self-image, your libido. Then call me in a week". A week later, Paddy calls his doctor, says "Well, Doc, I've been running every day, two miles a day, just like you said". The doctor asks him "So, how's your s.e.x life?" Paddy says "I don't know. I'm fourteen miles from home." An Irishman was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They shouldn't put up such misleading signs," said the Irishman. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE". What does an Irishman call his pet zebra? Spot. Did you hear about the Irish Rap Dancer who spent six hours in Myers looking for a cap with a peak at the back? Then there was the Irishman who was stranded for an hour in a supermarket when the escalator broke down. An Irishman got a job as a lumberjack, but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance, he saw an advertis.e.m.e.nt in a shop window for chain-saws "guaranteed to fell sixty trees a day". So he bought one, but the best he could manage was twenty trees a day. He took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it," said the man in the shop and, taking the chain-saw, he switched it on. "Heavens above!" exclaimed the Irishman, covering his ears with his hands, "What's that noise?" Paddy was sent to jail and was sharing a cell with two others. "What are you in for?" he asked the first. "Stealing a few bales of straw," he replied. "And how long did you get?" asked Paddy. "Six months," he replied. "And what are you in for?" Paddy asked the second. "Rape," he replied. "And how long did you get?" "Seven years," he replied. "Heavens above," said Paddy, "you must have stolen a whole acre of the stuff". A dangerous criminal had escaped, so the police issued the usual photographs: left profile, front view, and right profile. A few days later they received the following telegram from an Irish detective: "Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well". Did you hear about the Irish kidnapper? He enclosed a stamped self-addressed envelope with the ransom note. Did you hear that the Irish Republican Army recently purchased a thousand septic tanks? As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade England. "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?" "Irish burglar" "Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station. "An Irishman molested me!" "How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the Sergeant at the desk. "I had to help him" she gasped. A Irishman suspected his wife of infidelity and began to follow her movements. Sure enough, his suspicions were justified. Coming home from work early, he burst into the bedroom, catching his wife and her lover in the act; and, crazed with grief, he put the pistol to his own head. "Don't laugh!" he shouted when his wife burst out in giggles, "You're next!" The employees at the factory where Paddy worked soon discovered that every Tuesday afternoon the boss would always leave work early, not to return that day. So they all decided that if they all left early after him, they could have the rest of the day off, and the boss would be none the wiser. So, the next Tuesday afternoon, after the boss had left, all of the employees went home. But when Paddy got home, he saw through his front window his boss making pa.s.sionate love to his wife. The following Tuesday, when everyone else was leaving the factory, Paddy kept right on working. One of his workmates came up to him: "Hey, Paddy, aren't you going home? The boss has already left for the day". Says Paddy, "No way! Last week I almost got caught". Why did the Irishman spend all night outside the wh.o.r.ehouse? He was waiting for the red light to turn green.

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman planned an expedition across the Sahara Desert, and at the appointed time each shows up with the luggage critical to his survival. Motioning to his umbrella, the Englishman says, "It's going to be hot out there, roaming across the desert, so I've brought something to keep the sun off me". The American says "What's really needed here is good old American know-how, so I've brought along a portable air-conditioner to keep me cool throughout the day." They look across at the Irishman, who is carrying nothing but a right front door to a 1968 Holden. "It's going to be a scorcher out there," he explains, "and so when it gets too hot, I want to be able to wind down the car window." Did you hear about the football game between Italy and Ireland? The Italians all started arguing about who was going to kick off, and they all walked off the field. Half an hour later the Irish team won. An Italian, a Jew, and an Irishman are marooned on a desert island for five years. One day, while walking along the beach, one of them comes across an old bottle. He rubs it and out comes a genie, who is empowered to grant each of them their dearest wish: "Ah," says the Italian, "let me go back to the Old Country, where the wine is sweet and the women are beautiful." BANG! He vanishes. "For me," says the Jew, "I want to go to the Holy Land and live out the rest of my days with my people." BANG! He vanishes. "Gee," says the Irishman, "it's so hard to choose what to ask for. I wish my two friends were back here to help me decide." Two Irishmen are out fis.h.i.+ng for the day, and they have a great time; with the fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat full of as many fish as it will hold, they decide it's time to head for sh.o.r.e. "But listen," says Mick, "why don't we mark the spot?" "No problem," says Paddy, who dives into the water and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat. Mick beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. "Oh, no!" he cries to Paddy, "what if we don't get the same boat?". Lick the cover of a book of matches, then bend it back so the matches are exposed. Stick it to your forehead. Ask, "What am I?". An Irish miner. A stranger walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Hey, mate! Have I got some terrific Irish jokes for you blokes". The barman leans over to him and says "Listen; if I were you, I'd watch your tongue: All of the bouncers are Irish; I'm Irish, and I ain't no midget; and almost every man in here is Irish".

"Oh, that's okay," said the stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y". Did you hear about the Irish hunters who got themselves all set up for a weekend of duck-shooting? They gathered their guns and the dogs and the ammunition and their orange hunting hats and tramped about for hours; but with no luck whatsoever. And when they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters, who were all carrying large bundles of dead ducks. "Gee," said one Irishman to his companion, "everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?" "I dunno," said the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dogs up high enough". A real estate agent is showing a new four-storey house to an affluent young couple, who are somewhat bewildered by his behaviour. On every landing, the estate agent stops, opens the window, and shouts out: "Green side up!". Finally, the young couple ask him why. "I've got some Irishmen laying down the new lawn," he explains, "and I've got to make sure they do it right". An Englishman, a Irishman, and an Abo moved to Perth seek their fortunes; renting a flat there together. The Englishman and the Abo got jobs right away, but weeks went by without the Irishman finding employment. Finally, one evening he announces to his flatmates that he has landed a big interview for the next morning at nine o'clock. So, setting the alarm clock well ahead of time, he goes to bed. In the middle of the night the other two sneak into his room, smear his face and hands with black boot polish, and turn off his alarm clock. At 9.05 the next morning the Englishman and the Abo wake the Irishman up: he leaps from his bed, pulls on his clothes, and dashes off so as not to be late for his critical interview. The interviewer invites him in with an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry to have brought you here for nothing," he says, "but I'm afraid we simply don't employ Abos." "Abos! What are you talking about?" spluttered the Irishman. "My name is Daniel O'Connor!" "I'm so sorry, Mister O'Connor, but we simply don't make any exceptions in our hiring policy." "But I'm not an Abo!" "I'm sorry you're taking it so hard. You may not think you're an Abo, but have you looked in a mirror lately?" The Irishman gets up and goes over to a mirror near the door. Staring in disbelief at his undeniably black reflection, he stammers, "Oh my G.o.d, they woke the wrong bloke!" An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes. The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth. Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone. "Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!" Did you hear about the guy who made a million dollars in Ireland selling Cheezels? He sold them as doughnut seeds.

Did you hear about the Irish car pool? They all meet at work.

Q: How come Irishmen don't go elephant hunting? A: They get too tired carrying the decoys. Q: Why don't Irishmen become chemists? A: They can't fit the little bottles in the typewriter. Q: Why do Irishmen wear two condoms? A: To be sure, to be sure. ***POLISH JOKES.***Characteristics of Poles in jokes: Portrayed as stupid, and s.e.xually "desperate". Note: Polish jokes are primarily of American origin. The manager of a prosperous wh.o.r.ehouse in Warsaw one night found, to his dismay, that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment. Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several inflatable f.u.c.k dolls, figuring that, given his average clientele, no one would know the difference. Soon after, he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the new lovelies, a.s.suring him that he was in for an especially good time. When the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway. He winked at the fellow and asked "Well? How'd you like her?". "I just don't know what happened," said the customer, shaking his head. "I bit her on the t.i.t, she farted, and flew out the window". Did you hear about the Pole who had a p.e.n.i.s transplant? His hand rejected it. Did you hear about the Polish starlet? She went to Hollywood and f.u.c.ked the writer. A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the wilds which they were certain was the Missing Link. The proof of their theory, though, required that a human mate with the ape in order to see what characteristics the offspring would take on. So, they put an ad in the paper: "$8000 to Mate with Ape". The next morning a Pole called up in response to the ad, and said he'd be willing to be part of the experiment. "But," he said, "I have three conditions!!" The scientists agreed to hear him out. "First: My wife must never know. "Second: The children must be raised as good Catholics. "Third: If I can pay in instalments, I'm definitely interested". Do you know why the suicide rate in Poland is so low? Because you can't jump out of a bas.e.m.e.nt window. How can you tell a Polish Peeping Tom? (Pull out front of own pants and look down). Why do Poles have such beautiful noses?

They're hand-picked. Two Polish friends went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital. "Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "Is he going to make it?" "It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first". A Polish man walks into his local pub and goes straight up to the barman, who turns away disgusted at the handful of dog s.h.i.+t the Pole is holding. "Hey, Fred" says the Pole, "Look what I almost stepped in". How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Pole? The garbage's been eaten, and the dog is pregnant. Did you hear about the Polish bank? You bring in a toaster and they give you a thousand dollars. Hold up a fork. Q: What's this? A: A Polish c.o.ke spoon.

A young Polish girl was. .h.i.tchhiking, and a big semi-trailer pulls over to pick her up. The driver was a serious CB addict, and had an enormous CB radio in his cabin. "That's the best CB radio ever made", he explained to the bug-eyed girl, "you can talk anywhere in the world with it". "No kidding," she gasped. "Boy, I would really love to talk to my mother in Poland". "Oh, yeah?" "I would give anything to talk to my mother in Poland". "Anything?" he leered. "Anything" she a.s.sured him. "Well, maybe we can work something out," he panted, pulling his c.o.c.k, by which time it was fully erect, out of his pants. So the girl reaches over, leans down, opens her mouth, and says loudly, "h.e.l.lO, MUM?" Q: What does a Polish girl do after she sucks c.o.c.k? A: Spits out the feathers. What's the Polish definition of foreplay? "Brace yourself, Olga!" "Dad," asked the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Here's ten dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Polish girl." Did you hear about the man who was half-Polish and half-Jewish? He made himself an offer he couldn't understand. Two Poles and a Black were employed by the same construction company and got into the habit of working together - until the day the Black fell from a scaffold eleven storeys high. When the police came to check out the situation, there wasn't too much left to identify the fellow, so the officer in charge turned to the two distraught Poles. "Listen, guys," said the cop, "was there anything distinctive about this man?" "No, he was just a regular guy" said one of the Poles. "Hey, wait a minute!" piped up the other. "He had two a.r.s.eholes!" "Are you bulls.h.i.+tting me?" asked the cop. "How the h.e.l.l would you know?"

"Because every time we went into the pub around the corner for a beer at the end of the day," said the Pole happily, "the barman would say, 'here comes that stupid n.i.g.g.e.r with the two a.r.s.eholes'!"A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me." The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that." "What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!" "O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea." "And why not?" asks the polish guy. The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian." "I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy. So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"A Pole goes into a store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The Pole says, "Well, yes I am, but, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??? Or if I wanted a taco would you ask if I was Mexican???" The clerk says, "Well, no." The Pole says, "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????" The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."Two white guys and a polish guy rob a mini mart. The cops are chasing them. The three guys ran into a potato factory next door. The three guys jump into bags. The cops follow them in. The cops see the three bags. The cops kicked the first bag, which the white guy was in, and the white guy answered ROOF ROOF. The cop said there is nothing in here but a dog. The cop kicked the second bag. The 2nd White guy replied MEOW MEOW. The cop said there is nothing in here but a cat. The cop kicked the third bag and the polish guy answered PO-TA-TOS What do Poles wear to weddings? Formal bowling s.h.i.+rts. Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Poland? A: Because G.o.d couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Have you ever seen the Polish s.e.x manual?: 1) In. 2) Out. 3) Repeat if necessary.

GREEK JOKES.

Characteristics of Greeks in jokes: Portrayed as s.e.xually deviant (particularly regarding a.n.a.l s.e.x). A widower was devoted to his only daughter and naturally was concerned when she decided not only to get married but to marry a Greek. Blus.h.i.+ng furiously; he sat her down to discuss the facts of life, but she brushed him aside, telling him she knew all about those things and not to worry. "Well, just one thing," the father implored. "If he asks you to turn over in bed, you don't have to." The young couple got married and were extremely happy until about eight months had gone by. Embracing his wife in bed, the Greek said "Why don't you roll over, dearest?" "Oh, no, you don't!" she said. "My father said if I don't want to, I don't have to." "Whatsamatter," he said, "don't you wanna get pregnant?" Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Greek, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven. The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they give up the one thing that each of them wants most of all in life, not even to attempt to attain it. BANG!! They're back in the same street they came from, all a bit shocked by the experience. Within a few minutes, they're pa.s.sing by a pizza shop. The Italian can't help himself, he runs in, and just as he's about to take a bite of pizza, BANG!!, the Italian disappears - he's gone back to Heaven. The other two are quite shocked by this, but then continue on walking. Just then, a dollar coin rolls across the footpath in front of the two men. The Jew can't help himself, he bends over, and just as he's about to pick up the coin, BANG!!, the Greek disappears. ***ITALIAN JOKES.***Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot? A: Because you couldn't get that much s.h.i.+t into a shoe. Q: Why do Italians wear hats?

A: To know which end to wipe. Q: Did you hear about the Italian-American who emigrated to Poland? A: He raised the IQ of both countries. Q: What are the three occasions on which an Italian man visits his priest? A: His first communion. When he gets married. Before his electrocution. Q: What would your call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A: A speech impediment.***MUSLIM JOKES.***Characteristics of Muslims in jokes: Portrayed as sly, untrustworthy, fanatical, s.e.xually deviant. Q: Why are camels called "s.h.i.+ps of the Desert"? A: Because they're full of Muslim s.e.m.e.n. Q: What's the definition of a virgin in England? A: Any female under the age of eighteen. Q: What's the definition of a virgin in France? A: Any female under the age of sixteen. Q: What's the definition of a virgin in the Middle East?

A: Any camel that can run faster than an Muslim.

ASIAN JOKES.

Teacher says to cla.s.s: "I shall now read you some quotes. Whoever can tell me who said them, and when, they can go home early". Teacher: "Who said "We will fight them on the beaches"?" Lim Sung Wu: "Winston Churchill, 1942". Teacher: "Very good, you can go home right now, if you wish". Lim Sung Wu: "I will stay teacher, I'm going to be a doctor, and I need to learn all I can". Teacher: "Who said "I shall return"?" Sing Lam Po: "Douglas McArthur, 1944". Teacher: "Very good, you can go home right now, if you wish". Sing Lam Po: "I will stay teacher, I'm going to be a lawyer, and I need to learn all I can". Johnny, at the back of the room, mutters: "b.l.o.o.d.y Asians". Teacher: "Who said that?" Johnny: "Pauline Hanson, 1996", and he runs out of the room, "I'm going home now, see you tomorrow, teacher". Teacher: "Johnny, put the word INFATUATION in a sentence". Johnny: "A j.a.p tourist walks into Pauline Hanson's fish and chip shop, and asks her 'How do you cook your chips?', so Pauline tells him, 'In fat you Asian'". Q: How do you Filipino. A: The same way you Pakistani. There's a plane flying over the Atlantic, with six pa.s.sengers: a Frenchman, a pregnant French woman, an Englishman, a pregnant English woman, an Australian, and a pregnant Asian-Australian woman. Lightning strikes both wings, and the plane is going out of control. The pilot rushes up to the pa.s.sengers, and says "I'm sorry, but there's only 4 parachutes. As I'm the pilot, it's essential that I get back to tell everyone what happened to the plane; you'll have to work out who gets the other three parachutes", so saying, he jumps out of the plane, opens his parachute and floats down to the ground. The Frenchman looks at the pregnant French woman, and says "France needs more Frenchmen, therefore I do this for my country" and he jumps out of the plane without a parachute. The Englishman looks at the pregnant English woman, and says "I do this for my country", and jumps out of the plane without a parachute. The Australian looks at the pregnant Asian-Australian woman, and says "I do this for my country", and pushes her out of the plane. ***j.a.pANESE JOKES.***Q: What's the difference between a pot of lobsters and a group of j.a.panese tourists who've just been run over by a steamroller? A: There's no difference, they're all crustaceans ("crushed Asians"). j.a.panese man is in an Australian bank when he sees an Australian cas.h.i.+ng in 100 American dollars, getting 143 Australian dollars in return. Remembering that he has some American money at home (left over from his last holiday), the j.a.p returns the next day to the bank to cash his money in. j.a.p to teller: "Here is 100 American dollars, please exchange it for Australian dollars". The teller gives him 133 Australian dollars. j.a.p: "What's this? Yesterday you gave an Australian man 143 dollars for the same amount, but now you give me only 133. Why?" Teller: "Fluctuations". j.a.p: "Yeah? Well, fluck you Aussies too!!" ***CHINESE JOKES.***Q: What's yellow and goes "cheep, cheep"? A: A Chinese prost.i.tute. Q: What do you get if you cross a Black wh.o.r.e with a Chinese? A: A maid that sucks your s.h.i.+rts.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Abo with a Chinaman? A: A car thief who can't drive. Q: What do you call a fat Chinaman? A: A Chunk. ***VIETNAMESE JOKES.***Q: What is the t.i.tle of the new Vietnamese cookbook? A: 100 ways to wok your dog. ***ETHIOPIAN JOKES.***Q: What's black and goes 200 miles an hour? A: An Ethiopian with a McDonald's voucher. Fred (pinching his neck at both sides): "What's this?". Jim: "Don't know". Fred: "An Ethiopian eating a cornflake". ***WEST INDIAN JOKES.***Q: What's the difference between a bowling-ball and a West Indian girl? A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling-ball. Q: What do hockey goalies and West Indian girls have in common? A: They both change their pads after three periods. Q: Why don't West Indian cheerleader girls do the splits? A: They would stick to the floor! ***NEGRO JOKES.***Characteristics of Negroes in jokes: Portrayed as criminals; often as being over-s.e.xed. Note: Often referred to as "n.i.g.g.e.rs" in jokes. Q: Why do n.i.g.g.e.rs always have s.e.x on the brain? A: Because they've got pubic hair on their heads. Q: How do you stop little n.i.g.g.e.r kids from jumping up and down on your bed? A: Put "Velcro" on your ceiling. Q: Why did G.o.d give n.i.g.g.e.rs rhythm? A: Compensation, because he f.u.c.ked up their hair. Q: What's another word for coc.o.o.n? A: N-n.i.g.g.e.r. Q: What has six legs and goes "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"? A: Three Blacks running for the lift. Q: How do you shoot a Black man? A: Aim for the radio (or "ghetto-blaster"). Q: How do you define "confusion"? A: Father's Day in Harlem. Q: What do you call a Black millionaire industrialist? A: A tyc.o.o.n. Q: Why were so many Blacks killed in Vietnam? A: Because every time the sergeant said "Git down", they all jumped up and started dancing. Q: Why are the palms of Black people's hands white? A: Because they were all leaned up against cop cars when G.o.d spray-painted. Q: Why did G.o.d create the o.r.g.a.s.m? A: So that n.i.g.g.e.rs would know when to stop f.u.c.king. Q: What do you get if you cross a n.i.g.g.e.r with a gorilla? A: A dumb gorilla. Q: What do you get if you cross a n.i.g.g.e.r with a monkey? A: Nothing, monkeys are too intelligent to f.u.c.k n.i.g.g.e.rs. Q: What's the difference between n.i.g.g.e.rs and tyres?

A: Tyres don't sing when you put chains on them. Q: Why do n.i.g.g.e.rs in Brixton have such small steering-wheels? A: So that they can drive with their handcuffs on. Q: What do you get if you cross Bo Derek with a n.i.g.g.e.r? A: 10 of spades.

Q: Why didn't the Black want to marry a Mexican? A: He didn't want the kids to grow up too lazy to mug. Q: What do you do if you see a drowning n.i.g.g.e.r? A: Throw him an anchor. Q: How do you save a drowning n.i.g.g.e.r? A: Take your foot off his head. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning n.i.g.g.e.r? A: No?!? Good! Q: Why do n.i.g.g.e.rs smell so bad? A: So blind people can hate them too. Q: Why do n.i.g.g.e.rs carry s.h.i.+t in their wallets? A: For identification. Q: What does it say inside a n.i.g.g.e.r's lips? A: "Inflate to twenty pounds". Q: Why don't n.i.g.g.e.rs drive convertibles? A: Their lips would slap them to death in the wind. Q: Why do Blacks wear wide-brimmed hats? A: To stop birds from s.h.i.+tting on their lips. Q: How many Blacks does it take to pave a driveway? A: It depends on how thin you slice them. Q: What do you have when you're up to your ankles in n.i.g.g.e.rs? A: Afro turf. Q: What's the brown stuff between elephants' toes? A: Slow natives. Q: Why do Blacks wear platform shoes? A: To stop their knuckles from dragging on the ground. Q: Why does Michael Jackson use so much make-up? A: For cosmetic purposes (he thinks he has an ugly black head). Q: What are the three greatest lies? A: 1) I'm from the government, I'm here to help you. 2) The cheque is in the mail. 3) Black is beautiful.

Q: How can you tell if a black man is well hung ? A: He stops kicking... Q: What does B FI stand for on a dumpster ? A: Black family inside. Q: Why don't you run over a black guys bike? A: Because it might be yours! Q: What did G.o.d say when another black baby was born? A: OPPS! Burnt another one. Q: What does NBA mean ? A: Nothing but Africans. Q: What do you call a 100 year old black man in a barn ?A: Antique farming equipment. A Black yuppie decides to do a bit of hang-gliding. He drives out to the country, takes his hang-glider, and proceeds to float off high over the woods. Two old White farmers, Rosco and J.T., had picked the same day to do a little hunting. Rosco looks up and says to J.T., "s.h.i.+t! Dat's de biggest G.o.ddam bird I eva seen!". "Let's get him" says J.T. They fire off several shots, but the glider floats off serenely over the trees and out of sight. "h.e.l.l, Rosco," says J.T., "I b'lieve we winged dat bird". "s.h.i.+t, I know we winged him," says Rosco "Did you see how fast he dropped dat n.i.g.g.e.r?". A truckie was driving a s.h.i.+pment of bowling b.a.l.l.s through a town in the deep South when, to his horror, the tail-gate came loose and hundreds of black bowling b.a.l.l.s went rolling out across the main road. Within minutes, dozens of townsfolk came rus.h.i.+ng out and began smas.h.i.+ng the bowling b.a.l.l.s into little pieces with axes, sledge-hammers, and anything heavy that came to hand. The truckie runs up to them, screaming out "What are you doing? Why are smas.h.i.+ng them?". One of the townsfolk yells back "We gotta kill the n.i.g.g.e.rs before they hatch!" This Black guy walks into a pub with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow!" says the barman, "That real