Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 15

KINs.h.i.+P.

The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his explanation: "They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."

The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook, Matilda, concerning a raid made on the chicken- house during the night.

"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to me you must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing the chickens."

"Yes, ma'am," Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her dusky features. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob de men."

"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded.

Matilda wept.

"Case, ma'am," she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' I wouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in de world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke his ole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh him."

KISSES.

The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony: "Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"

The clergyman might have replied: "Not yet, but soon."

The young man addressed the old grouch: "When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and given her supper, and taken her home in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellow kiss her good-night?"

The old grouch snorted.

"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her."

KISSING

The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such was not the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of the question must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So, they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a lively tussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed-ardently for a period of minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit: "Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped ... Let's try it again."

The tiny boy fell down and b.u.mped his head. His Uncle Bill picked the child up, with the remark: "Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone."

The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as he was set down, addressed his uncle eagerly: "Come down in the kitchen-the cook has the toothache."

Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readiness with which they could expound any pa.s.sage of Scripture. It is recorded of a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth Psalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from

speaking guile." He carelessly read the last two words: "squeaking girls." But the astonis.h.i.+ng phrase did not dismay him in the least, or cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly and solemnly: "It is evident from this pa.s.sage, my brethren, that the Scripture does not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is to be done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this pa.s.sage to choose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to those that squeak under the operation."

LAUGHTER.

Josh Billings said: "Laff every time yu pheel tickled-and laff once in a while enny how."

LAW The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices: "I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits you to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do what the law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars."

LAWYERS.

There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf of a son languis.h.i.+ng in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain a ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure the prisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a large roll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped.

"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.

"In the county jail."

"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's bad-very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."

Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side, declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet, lawyers as a cla.s.s enjoy good health.

LEGERDEMAIN.

"What did you do last night?"

"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and offered her my hand, and she slighted it."

LENT "Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.

"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty dollars for a new Easter bonnet."

LIARS The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus: "Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to come home to see her an' the children."

The colonel shook his head decisively.

"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk, and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until your term of service expires."

"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He saluted and went to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.

"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"

"Yes, certainly," the officer a.s.sented.

"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so to spake?"

"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."

"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim-I have no wife."

LIES.

A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then, he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the following effect:

"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the forehead between the ears."

The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation. Everybody was now wide- awake. He thereupon remarked: "Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you the truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie, you are all wide-awake."

LIGHTNING.

The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication: "O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that feathers are splendid non- conductors."

LISP.

The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil: "Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"

"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes panth."

LITERAL.

The cla.s.s had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what was really in them. The star production from this command was a composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It ran as follows: "I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes and my dinner."

LITERALNESS.

The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the village, and inquired: "Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"

"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid cus.h.i.+ons, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."

LOGIC.

The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.

"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.

"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.

"What about, little man?"

"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"

"Why, no! Of course not, dear."

The perplexity pa.s.sed from the little boy's face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again: "Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."

LOQUACITY.

The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy surveyed the lie, and muttered: "Dormie."

Quoth Tammas, with a snarl: "Chatter-r-rbox!"