Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 16

LOVE.

The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love: "Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things after each other."

LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT.

The little girl came in tears to her mother.

"G.o.d doesn't love me," she sobbed.

"Of course, G.o.d loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come to get such an idea?"

"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know-I tried Him with a daisy."

LUCK.

The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in ill.u.s.tration of the general cussedness of things: "Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the luck'd turn-it'd take a turn for the worse."

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.

"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"

The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as follows: "Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."

The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly.

"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned.

"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."

LUNACY.

The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fis.h.i.+ng from the bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman: "Caught anything?"

The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.

"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.

"Three hours," was the answer.

The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation: "Come inside!"

LUXURY.

The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions: "Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say, 'Time for the parade, sir.'

"Then, I'll say, 'd.a.m.n the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep again."

LYING.

The juryman pet.i.tioned the court to be excused, declaring: "I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money."

"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."

The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon him the enormity of his offense.

"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who tell falsehoods?"

The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained carefully: "Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"

Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.

"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"

MAIDENS.

"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the languis.h.i.+ng coquette to her most intimate confidante.

"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men you're going to marry."

MAIDEN SPEECH.

The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness: "I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and began like this: "As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."

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MANNERS.

It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."

"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology; certainly, it is a complete explanation."

The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer for the cup.

"What about the saucer?" he asked.

The girl explained: "We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not, some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."

After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and, when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point: "That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"

MARKSMANs.h.i.+P.

During the Sat.u.r.day night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.

"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.

"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."

"Whereabouts shot?"

"In the laig."

"Some shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.

MARRIAGE.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.

"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first meet this woman who has thus abused you?"

The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he replied: "I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook me."

An African newspaper recently carried the following advertis.e.m.e.nt: Wanted Small nicely furnished house, nice locality, from August 1st, for nearly married couple.

The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blus.h.i.+ng young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled, but a member of the bridegroom's family explained: "That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."

The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her colored cook.

"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends. But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."

"Dat n.i.g.g.e.r, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully. "Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."

Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.

"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."

The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the dollar he had borrowed the week before.