Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 17

The second man was given similar instructions. Handing him a gun they ordered him to go next door and shoot his wife dead.

"I can't do it," replied the ashen-faced man, "Tomorrow is our 25th anniversary and we've lived a very happy life."

So the second man was dismissed.

The third man came in, a gun was pa.s.sed to him and he was told to go into the next room and kill his wife. The man did as he'd been instructed and went next door. At first there was complete silence but all of a sudden they heard an awful scream, furniture falling over and then all went quiet. A moment later the third man returned.

"What happened in there?" they asked.

"Some prat put blank cartridges in the gun so I had no choice but to strangle her," he replied.

Two simple lads were working in the sawmill when Jack accidentally cut his arm off. As quick as lightening his mate, Pete, put it in a plastic bag and rushed them both to hospital.

After four hours the brilliant surgeon had sewn the arm back on and within 3 months Jack was as good as new. That winter Jack was so cold, his concentration slipped and he cut off his right leg. Quick as a flash Pete wrapped up the leg in a plastic bag and rushed them to hospital. Although the operation was more difficult, the surgeon, once again, miraculously attached the leg back to Jack's body and after 6 months he had fully recovered. The months went by until one day Jack fell asleep at work and cut his head off. Ready for every emergency, Pete got the head in a plastic bag and rushed them to hospital.

"This is a very difficult operation" said the surgeon "it's touch and go." He told Pete to come back the following morning to see how things were progressing. The next day Pete arrived at the hospital and met a very serious looking surgeon.

"I'm sorry, your friend didn't make it."

Grief stricken, Pete replied, "I know you did all you could doc, but you did warn me it might not work."

"Oh it wasn't the operation" said the surgeon, "that was successful, but Jack had suffocated in the plastic bag.

The milkman couldn't believe the note left on the doorstep, requesting 60 gallons of milk. Intrigued, he rang the doorbell to make sure the order was correct and a beautiful woman, covered only by a towel opened the door.

"Oh yes" she said, "I read somewhere that bathing in milk did wonders for your s.e.x life."

"Would that be pasteurised?" he asked.

"No, up to my t.i.ts is enough," she answered.

A dog walks into a greengrocers carrying a basket and a list in his mouth. He gives the list to the shop a.s.sistant and the basket is soon full of apples, oranges, a melon and 2lb plums.

"That'll be 3.50," says the a.s.sistant and the dog pa.s.ses over a purse. He counts out the right money, hands back the purse and the dog leaves the shop. Over the next few weeks the dog appears regularly in the shop and the a.s.sistant becomes more and more curious about where he comes from. Eventually he decides that when the dog next comes in, he'll close up and follow the animal home. The following Thursday afternoon the dog appears and the a.s.sistant follows him home. It's at least a mile to walk and throughout the journey the dog shows remarkable skills in crossing the many busy roads. At last he walks up the garden path of a squalid looking house and knocks on the door. A moment later it's opened by a fat, scruffy looking man who kicks the dog back down the path. "Outraged at such behaviour, the a.s.sistant rushes up shouting "How dare you treat this amazing dog in such a callous way?"

"b.u.g.g.e.r off," replies the man, "The dog's got to learn. It's the third time this month that he's forgotten his keys."

The man had only been working at the zoo for a week when he was asked to show round a group of foreign tourists. One of the women asked him what the difference was between echidnas and porcupines.

"The echidnas p.r.i.c.ks are longer," he replied.

The answer caused great discomfort amongst the group and once they had gone the boss took him to one side and asked him to be more careful with his choice of words in the future.

"It's quills," he said, "use the word quills."

A couple of weeks later another group of tourists were doing the rounds.

"Heh, look at that porcupine," said one of them.

"No Sir," corrected the zoo keeper, "it's an echidna. It's smaller, not so dark and it's quills are longer ... but their p.r.i.c.ks are about the same size."

It was the local County Show and a new vet was touting for business. He approached an old farmer who was showing off his prize herd of cows.

"h.e.l.lo Mr Oldham, I'm just setting up a new practice in these parts and I was wondering if you'd ever considered artificial insemination for your cows?"

"No, I haven't," replied the farmer, "and to be honest I don't rightly understand all these modern ways."

"Well, if you change your mind I can always come out to your farm and give you a demonstration" said the vet.

Some weeks went past and the farmer remembered the conversation at the County Show and being curious as to how a cow could be serviced without a bull, he gave the vet a ring.

"OK Mr Oldham," answered the vet, "I'll be out in the morning, just make sure the cow's been washed down, have some clean straw, a bucket of hot water and a stool."

The next day the vet arrived and asked the farmer if all was ready.

"Oh yes," said the farmer, "I've even put a nail on the wall for you to hang up your trousers."

The milk lorry is just leaving the farmyard when it runs over and kills the prize rooster. Upset at what he'd done, the driver seeks out the farmer's wife to tell her what has happened.

"I'm really sorry Madam, I didn't see your rooster until it was too late, but I'd like to replace it."

"Well that's OK with me," she replied. "You'll find the chickens round the back."

A boss called one of his workers into the office.

"Now listen, Simms, you're going to have to pull your socks up or I'll have to sack you. For the past few weeks you've been constantly late, you've made silly mistakes and you've not been civil to your fellow workers. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm sorry, Sir. Things aren't right between me and the wife and I'm sick with worry."

Now the boss was a kindly man, so he gave him some advice.

"Now Simms, you've got to show them that you don't take them for granted. Why! Look at me. When I get home I give my wife a long, lingering kiss, give her a present and then make mad pa.s.sionate love. I'll give you the afternoon off, so why don't you do the same thing?"

"I don't know what to say," gasped Simms. "Thank you very much...by the way, what's your address?"

One of the most important rules in the hand-made chocolate company was that all employees MUST wash their hands after going to the toilet. One day, the boss was pa.s.sing just as two workers were coming out of the toilet, still zipping their flies up. He stopped them and said angrily, "Did you wash your hands? Remember these are hand-made chocolates."

"No, we don't need to," replied one of them. "It's 12.30 and we're off to lunch!"

A travelling salesman had just delivered to the local farmer when he noticed a horse beckoning him over from a nearby field.

"Look at me in this b.l.o.o.d.y useless field," said the horse to the man. "I should be treated like royalty, the number of races I've won, everything from the Cheltenham Gold Cup to the Grand National," he boasted.

The salesman looked at the horse in awe. If he owned a talking horse, imagine the money he could make! So he went and sought out the farmer.

"I'd like to buy your horse," he said.

"You don't want him," the farmer replied.

"I certainly do, and I'll give you 50,000 for him," he persisted.

"Okay, it's a deal," said the farmer and they shook hands.

"By the way," asked the man, looking puzzled. "Why wouldn't I want the horse?"

"Because he's a b.l.o.o.d.y liar, he's never won a race in his life."

A man rings up his ex-boss but is told by the secretary that Mr Grinder has pa.s.sed away. All day the man continues to ring until the secretary eventually says, "Why do you keep calling?"

"I just like to hear you say it," says the man happily.

A weary travelling salesman had just spent two weeks visiting all his northern clients but was unable to get home because of bad weather. He was forced to stay at an hotel for the night. Just as he was finis.h.i.+ng dinner and preparing to go up to his room, he b.u.mped into one of his best clients who had also been stranded. "I'm so glad to see you, Cooper," said the client, smiling. "Would you mind if I shared your room for the night, the hotel is full?"

Cooper didn't have much choice. Only that day, he'd taken a large order from him so he agreed and they retired to his double-bedded room. However, in the middle of the night, he suddenly felt a hand caress his private parts and a kiss was planted on the side of his face!

Returning home the next day, he told his wife what had happened.

"What did you do?" she asked.

Cooper shrugged his shoulders.

"I didn't have much choice, I couldn't afford to lose such a large order."

The business is doing badly and one of two people from middle management will have to go. It's not an easy decision, as both Theresa and Jack have been there a long time and they're both very good. The first one to leave work tomorrow will get their cards, decides the Personnel Manager; that's the only way he can think of doing it. The following evening, 30 minutes before she usually leaves, Theresa tells Jack she has a bad headache. It could be a migraine coming on, so she's going to go home early. As she gets her coat, the Personnel Manager spots her and decides to take immediate action. He goes over to her and says, "There's something I have to say to you, Theresa. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"Jack off!" she retorted angrily. "I've got a bad headache."

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBOURS.

Two busybodies were walking through the park slagging everyone off when one says to the other "Look at her from number 16, breast feeding in public again!"

"Not just that, the boy looks 18 and he's not even her son."

Two neighbours are chatting over the garden wall.

"When my husband comes home from work tonight, he'll probably bring me a huge bunch of flowers."

"Oh isn't that nice, you are lucky."

"No, not really. He'll expect me to take all my clothes off and be on the floor with my legs in the air."

"Oh dear, why's that? Haven't you got any vases?"

Two women talking over the garden fence.

"Why Samantha, you're looking very pleased with yourself, what's been going on?" asked Julie.

"Well I've had the most extraordinary week" replied Samantha.

"Yesterday I answered the door and standing there was a beautiful young man who asked me if Ben was in. When I told him he wasn't, he took me by the hand, led me upstairs, put me on the bed and made love to me all morning. My, he was a big boy! Then yesterday, he came round again, asked if Ben was in and when I said no, he took me back up to the bedroom and had me in 3 different positions for more than 3 hours. He never seems to get tired! Then, would you believe it, he comes back again this morning, asks for Ben and when I tell him Ben is at work, he carries me up to the bedroom and takes me time and time again.

Julie, I can't believe how wonderful it's been. One thing that puzzles me though...why does he want to see Ben?"

"Billy" said the young woman who had moved in next door.

"I forgot to get some milk at the corner store, do you think you could go for me?"

"No" said the boy, "but I overheard dad say he could."