Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 18

Two women talking over the garden fence.

"My husband's an efficiency expert."

"What's that then?"

"Well, I'll put it another way. If a woman did it, they would call it nagging."

"Do you know what mothb.a.l.l.s smell like?"

"Yes."

"Goodness. How do you get their little legs apart?"

"What's wrong Rosie, you look a bit glum?"

"It's this new bloke of mine, when we're in bed all he wants to do is 'eat it'."

"Well if you don't want that why don't you try and put him off by rubbing vinegar in your p.u.s.s.y."

A couple of days later they met up again and Rosie's friend asked her "Did it work?"

"No" she moaned, "the night after I'd tried it, he came to bed with a bag of chips."

Johnny's neighbour, Mrs Morgan, had a celebrated parrot.

People from far and wide would come to see the bird because he was such a wonderful conversationalist. There was only one drawback - the parrot was obsessed with ducks.

If he saw a duck he had to s.h.a.g it and unfortunately for Mrs Morgan there was a farm just across the field and the ducks were forever being rogered by her obsessed parrot. One day the farmer came round in a dreadful rage.

"If ever I see your parrot near my ducks again, I'm going to shoot it dead. My poor ducks are worn out and I won't be having it anymore."

Mrs Morgan turned to her parrot angrily "You hear that, if it happens again I shall punish you so badly you'll never forget it."

A week went by and the parrot behaved himself, but one afternoon when all was quiet he escaped again to do the evil deed.

"That's it!" she screamed, and taking a pair of shears from the garden shed, she cut all the feathers off his head until he was completely bald. The following day, Mrs Morgan was hosting a c.o.c.ktail party and the parrot was put in the corner and ordered not to move all night. As the guests arrived they were greeted by their hostess and then the parrot in the corner who would say loudly but politely "Good evening Sir, Good evening Madam."

However, the last two guests to enter were both bald and as soon as the parrot caught sight of them he screamed, "OK, you two duck s.h.a.ggers, over here in the corner with me."

Three men on the way home from work were moaning about their dull, tedious lives.

"Let's try and liven it up a bit," said one, "I know, when we get home, we'll do exactly whatever our wives tell us to do."

They all shook hands and went their separate ways, agreeing to meet up the next morning and swap stories. The following day, on the way to work the first one told them what happened.

"I got in, lit a cigarette and all of a sudden I sneezed. The cigarette dropped out of my mouth onto our new sofa and burnt a hole.

"Why don't you burn the whole house down while you're at it?" my wife said. "So I did. I haven't seen her since, she stormed off threatening me with divorce."

The second man looked very downcast.

"My wife's gone home to her mother. When I got in last night I decided to mow the lawn but I went over a pebble which flew up and broke the kitchen window and she said, "Well done! Why don't you smash them all?"

"So I did, and that's when she left."

"That's nothing," replied the third man, "My wife's reported me to the police for indecent a.s.sault. She'd gone out for the evening and by the time she got home I was already in bed.

Of course, when she got in beside me the old todger started to look lively so I put me hand on her p.u.s.s.y but she didn't want to know.

"You can cut that out," she said, "so I did. Does anyone want a toupee?"

What is the definition of a real friend?

One who goes into town and gets two b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs, then comes back and gives one to you.

Two women talking over the garden wall. The first said "It's no good Julie, I'm at my wits end. I can't stand the sight of George any longer. He treats me like s.h.i.+t, he's never at home, he just uses the place as an hotel and I know he's s.h.a.gging everyone in sight. It's had a terrible effect upon me, I've already lost a stone in weight.

"Leave him Sylvia, leave him today and take him for everything you can," replied her outraged friend.

"Oh I will, I will, but first I've just got to lose another half stone."

Finding her cooker had packed in, Beryl called up the repair man and arranged for him to come round on Tuesday morning.

"I won't be in," she said, "but I'll leave my key with the next door neighbour. Please leave the bill with her when you've finished and I'll pop a cheque in the post. Oh, by the way.

I've got 'growler' - a very fierce guard dog - but you'll be alright if he sees the neighbour let you in. I've also got a parrot but be warned, whatever you do, please don't say anything to it."

Having been given all the instructions the repair man went round on Tuesday morning and soon had the cooker repaired, although the whole time he'd been there he'd had to put up with a stream of obscenities from the parrot. As he was packing up to go his temper snapped and he turned to the parrot, saying, "You f.u.c.king little b.a.s.t.a.r.d, drop b.l.o.o.d.y dead."

The parrot went very quiet and then with a gleam in his eye rose to his full height and said "Growler, kill...kill growler."

A man looks over his garden wall to see his neighbour digging a hole in the back garden.

"What are you up to?" he asks.

"I'm digging a hole for my dead hamster," he replies.

"Sorry to hear that, but it's a big hole for a hamster isn't it?"

"Of course it is, it's inside your f.u.c.king cat" he yells.

Two mates are out fis.h.i.+ng for mackerel when their boat hits a rock and sinks almost immediately.

"Help, I can't swim!" cries Jack.

"Don't worry, jump on my back and I'll swim for the sh.o.r.e,"

replies Colin. For an hour Colin battles with the waves but eventually drags himself up onto the beach.

"h.e.l.l fire" he pants "I'm f.u.c.ked."

"Yes, sorry about that" says Jack "it was the only way I could stay on."

"...and another thing" continued the complaining woman, "I now know what eternity feels like. It's the time it takes between you coming and him leaving."

Two men, who've been good friends for years, go off hiking over the Yorks.h.i.+re Dales. They walk 20 miles during the morning and stop for lunch at the Travellers Rest for sandwiches and a few pints of beer. Of course, halfway through the afternoon Bob is dying for a pee and rushes into the undergrowth to relieve himself. All of a sudden Pete hears a mighty scream and rus.h.i.+ng over, he discovers that Bob has been bitten on his todger by a rare snake.

"Don't worry Bob, I'll go and get help," says Pete, and he sets off for the nearest village. The doctor tells him that his mate will die unless he acts immediately.

"You need to suck out all the poison from the wound as soon as possible."

Pete returns to Bob who's lying there in agony.

"What did he say" asks Bob.

"Sorry mate, the doctor says you're going to die."

Three men go away for the weekend on a hunting trip and as they are sitting round the camp fire on the first night, they start bragging.

The first said, "If it hadn't been for my quick thinking, our next door neighbours would never have survived the fire. I happened to see smoke coming out of an upstairs window, so I immediately rushed into their house and dragged them all from their beds before the whole place went up."

"Very good," said the second man, "but I foiled a daring bank raid. There I was in the bank when these armed men burst through the door and took everyone hostage. With my quick thinking, though, I managed to hide in the utilities cupboard and when all was quiet, I got out and set off the alarm."

The third man said nothing. He just continued stirring the hot ashes with his p.e.n.i.s.

Three female friends were walking in the country when they stumbled across a very old bottle, half hidden in the earth.

On taking the stopper out, a genie appeared and told them he had the power to grant them more intelligence.

The first woman, who was a 'plain Jane', asked for 50% more intelligence and she was turned into a world renowned surgeon.

The second woman asked for 25% more intelligence and she became a teacher. The third woman who was a bit of a stunner and one for the men, replied "I don't think I want any. It's good to be dumb, men will do anything for you. In fact, I think I'd like to be even dumber."

And on saying that, she turned into a man."

Two old men were gossiping at their old school reunion.

"I hear old Bates is living with a gorilla" said one.

"Well I never, is it male or female?"

"Female of course. You know old Bates, there's nothing unnatural about him."

Two young girls talking over the garden fence.

"Honestly Fiona, my new boyfriend's got submarine hands."

"What do you mean?"

"You never know where they'll turn up next."

A very poor, uneducated and plain woman found herself in dire straits. She was only 30 but already she had 5 children and her husband had abandoned her. A kindly welfare worker took the family on and managed to re-house them, sort out debts and get her a little job. A year went by before the welfare worker saw the woman again, but to her shock and amazement she was 5 months pregnant.

"Oh no, why have you done this, you were just getting back on your feet and building up your self respect. Whose is it?"

The woman looked tearful and replied, "It's the next door neighbours. I was just so flattered that he'd actually asked me."

Sitting over his pint of beer, the man looked very downcast.

"What's wrong?" asked the bartender.

"I tell you what's wrong" he said, "n.o.body appreciates me round here. Look what I did for the old people's home, putting on that musical evening to raise money for their outing. But do they call me Fred the entertainer? No. Then look what I did with that piece of wasteland. Changed it into a park for everyone to enjoy. But did they call me Fred the landscape artist? Not b.l.o.o.d.y likely. Yet, he said, sadly taking another sip of beer, "just one, just one b.l.o.o.d.y sheep..."