Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 19

Two women are talking over the garden wall and one is complaining about her piles.

The other says to her, "I know just the remedy. Stick some tea leaves up there and you'll soon be cured."

However, this remedy doesn't work so the woman is forced to go to the doctors.

"Bend over please," he says, and while he's examining her she asks him if he can see anything.

"Not a lot," replies the doctor, "but I can forecast that you're going to come into some money and spend it on a round the world cruise."

A single man moved in next door to a couple and it wasn't long before he and the wife became attracted to each other, but they managed to keep their feelings in check. Then one hot summer's afternoon, the single man went round for afternoon tea. While there, he noticed the couple's guttering was full of weeds so he volunteered to go up the ladder and clear it for them. While he was up there, the couple lay out on the lawn sunbathing and as the husband rubbed sun lotion on his wife's back, the man shouted down.

"Heh, you two, no s.e.x down there!"

"We're not!" they yelled.

A couple of minutes went by and the man up the ladder shouted again.

"Hey, stop all that s.e.x!"

Again, they shouted up, "We're not having s.e.x."

Some time later, the man came down for a rest and the husband said he'd finish off. So up he went leaving his wife and next door neighbour sunbathing on the lawn. The nearness of their bodies was too much for them and soon they were making mad pa.s.sionate love.

"Well, b.u.g.g.e.r me," said the husband, looking down from the ladder. "Up here, it really does look as if they're having s.e.x."

A couple and their precocious son moved into the close and invited all their neighbours round for a 'getting to know you' c.o.c.ktail party. Unfortunately, the young son, who should have been in bed, kept coming back down and bothering his parents. "Don't worry," said the retired Sergeant-Major, "I'll soon get the boy settled."

After a few minutes the guest rejoined the party and nothing more was seen of the son. The party was a great success and everyone left a little the worse for wear.

"Oh, by the way," said the couple to the Sergeant-Major as he was putting on his coat to leave, "Thank you for settling down our son, what is your secret?"

"Oh quite simple really, I just taught him how to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e."

Three women were discussing safe s.e.x. The first said she used the pill, the second said she always carried a packet of condoms and the third said she always used a tin with a few pebbles inside. The other two looked at her in amazement.

"How does that work?" they asked.

"Oh, it's easy really. I get the man to stand on the tin and when I hear the pebbles start to rattle I kick it out from under him."

Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

"You know, Lauren, I've discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my b.o.o.bs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn't have enough money to buy a new bra so he's increased my housekeeping. You ought to try it."

The following week, the two women met up for another chat and Lauren was asked if she had taken her friend's advice.

"Oh, it was a disaster," exclaimed Lauren. "We were just about to go down the bingo when I lifted my skirt and told my husband I had no knickers on because I couldn't afford to buy any. The old skinflint, he threw me a quid and told me to buy a comb. At least you can look tidy, he said."

Two women were talking over the garden wall.

"Well come on Stace, how did your new hot date go last night?"

"Okay, I suppose, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again."

"Why not?"

"Well, he's a French Horn player and everytime we kissed, he stuck his fist up my backside!"

Two men were returning from a sales conference. One turned to the other and said "When I get home, I'm going to pour myself a large gin and tonic and put my feet up. What about you, Bob?"

"I'm going to tear my wife's knickers off," replied Bob.

"Gos.h.!.+ I didn't know you and your wife were still so pa.s.sionate!"

"We're not. It's just that her knickers are far too tight round my waist."

Two fis.h.i.+ng pals meet up on the riverbank.

"h.e.l.lo, Bob," says his mate. "Long time no see, what've you been up to?"

Bob shakes his head sadly.

"I've been on my honeymoon."

"Well, you sly old fox! You kept that quiet. I bet she's a pretty la.s.s."

"No, not at all. In fact she's ugly...and she's useless in bed,"

Bob replies mournfully.

"But, I don't understand. Why did you marry her then?"

"She's got worms."

Two young whales, one male, one female, grew up together happily roaming the ocean and enjoying each other's company. But one day the peace was shattered when one of the whales spotted a trawler.

"That's the b.a.s.t.a.r.d that killed my mum. Come on! I want to get my own back, will you help me?" he said.

"What are you going to do?" asked the other.

"I have an idea that if we both swim underneath the boat and spurt out water from our blow holes, we'll manage to capsize the boat."

So they carried out the plan and it worked perfectly. The trawler capsized and some of the survivors were left floundering in the water.

"Heh! We can't let them get away," said the avenging whale, "Will you help me to eat them up?"

"Now hold on a minute," she replied. "I didn't mind helping you with the b.l.o.w. .j.o.b but there's no way I'm going to swallow any seamen."

Three women met up for tea and couldn't help but boast about their husbands. "Well of course, my husband is now a high court judge. It was expected. He's had a brilliant career," said the first.

"My Gerald runs the Foreign Office," said the second.

"Now my husband, Martell..."

"Wait a minute," interrupted the first lady, "isn't Martell a liquor?"

The third lady was amazed. "How did you know, have you met him?"

Two young women talking over the garden wall. "You know Julie, this is the last straw," said Carry. "I've had it up to here with men, they lie, cheat and are no d.a.m.ned good. From now on, if I want s.e.x, I'll use a vibrator."

"But what if the batteries run out, what will you do then?"

she asked her friend.

"Then I'll do what I did with Harry, I'll fake an o.r.g.a.s.m."

Three sisters, named Flora, Fiona and f.a.n.n.y lived in the same village in Yorks.h.i.+re and were renowned for their beauty, although all of them had extra large feet. One evening, Flora and Fiona went to the local village bop and were soon chatting to some lads from the next village.

"By gum," said one of the lads. "Haven't you got big feet!"

"Oh that's nought" they replied. "You should see our f.a.n.n.y's."

PLAYTIME The parachutist was distraught to find his parachute had failed to open and he was hurtling towards the ground at a fantastic rate. He was sure he was about to meet a sticky end.

Suddenly, as he looked down he saw a group of men standing in a circle. They were shouting, "We'll catch you, don't worry, we'll catch you."

The relief the man felt was unbelievable, until he looked again at the group and realised they were the English cricket team.

Three farmers are walking across the mountainside when they spot a field of sheep.

"Heh, there's some good looking sheep over there," the first one jokes. I wish one was Jordan."

"I wish one was Baby Spice," says the second.

"I wish it was dark," whispers the third.

Two men are changing in the dressing rooms after playing a game of badminton. After showering, one of them puts on bra and pants.

"Heh, what's going on here?" asks his mate, how long have you been wearing these?"

"Ever since my wife found them in my car," he replies.

A man went along to a 'spooks' evening at the local Town Hall to hear guest speakers talk about their strange experiences. Sitting at the back, he couldn't hear all that was being said and he began to doze off when suddenly one of the speakers asked loudly, "Now come on, don't be shy, there must be someone here whose had a relations.h.i.+p with a ghost?"

Without thinking, the man put his hand up and was asked to come down to the front.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this gentlemen here has kindly volunteered to tell us about his intimate relations.h.i.+p with a ghost. Please give him a warm hand."

But the man had come to a sudden halt.

"Ghost!" he exclaimed. "I thought you said goats."

A kindly middle-aged woman was walking through the shopping arcade when she saw a scruffy man sitting on one of the benches. Overcome with pity, she went up to him and put 5 in his hand.

"Here you are, young man, have faith do you hear, have faith."

A week later, she was walking through the arcade again when the same scruffy man ran up to her.

"I've been looking for you," he said.

"Have Faith came in at 16/1, here's your winnings" and he put a wad of notes in her hand.

A man went into the bookies and left his big Alsatian outside tied to a post. Some minutes later, another man came rus.h.i.+ng in looking very distraught. He said to the man "Is that your dog outside?"

"Yes" he replied.