Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 36

GOING FURTHER.

Flora: "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her."

Dora: "Getting even with her won't satisfy me. I'm going to get uneven with her."

GETTING ON.

Old Gentleman: "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"

Small Boy: "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones."

LITERALLY.

He: "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."

She: "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."

AN EXTENSIVE LOVE.

She: "They say that he fairly wors.h.i.+ps the ground she walks on."

He: "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is."

CAUSE AND EFFECT.

"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."

"Sour grapes always did have that effect."

NO DISSENSION.

Mrs. Storme: "How is your Debating Society getting along?"

Mrs. Karn: "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully."

"Why are they not speaking?"

"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."

"Well!"

"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."

IN KEEPING.

"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper."

"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."

HE KNEW.

She: "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby."

He: "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as she likes."

ARRANGED TO FIT.

Elsie: "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up."

Mother: "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."

Elsie: "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."

PROBABLY.

"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?"

"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."

SURE SIGNS.

"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"

"Twins."

SUCH A WASTE.

Mrs. Bizzy: "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"

Casey: "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."

TOO ONE-SIDED.

"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget."

"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting."

DISCRETION.

Miss Bizzy: "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."

O'Brien: "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them."

BETTER UNSAID.

Cholly Lyttlebrayne: "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars."

Miss Thotless: "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"

LETTING HIM KNOW.