Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 37

Flora: "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter."

Dora: "What did you say in your last letter?"

Flora: "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."

WHY, INDEED.

The Husband: "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?"

The Wife: "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! I'm ready now'?"

Madge: "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"

Mabel: "Not yet-but I have given him my final 'No.'"

ONLY THEIR WAY.

First Lady (effusively): "I am more than charmed to see you, my dear Mrs.-er-um-."

Second Lady (more effusively): "How lovely of you! So am I delighted. I do hope we'll meet again very, very soon, my dearest Mrs.-um-er-."

INADVERTENT.

Prospective Bride: "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress-a wedding dress costs such a lot."

Dressmaker: "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fas.h.i.+on."

MAKING SURE.

"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents."

"I thought he had dozens of your photos."

"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."

MORE DESPERATE STILL.

She: "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage."

He: "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements."

SYMPATHY.

The Tabby-Cat: "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!"

The Parrot: "Wasn't it too bad of them-to go and break the set?"

POPULAR OPINION.

First Burglar: "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"

Second Burglar: "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"

MORE OPPORTUNITY.

The Wife: "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."

The Husband: "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with."

"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."

"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."

The Ant: "Well, we've struck!"

The Gnat: "What for?"

The Ant: "Longer hours."

Effie: "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"

Mr. Mitcham: "How did you do that, my dear?"

Effie: "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'd.a.m.n!' and I got up and left the room!"

NOT WHAT SHE MEANT.

She: "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?"

He: "Oh, they seem to be quite reconciled."

He: "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful a.s.s of myself?"

She: "Which?"

Jones (who is of an inquiring mind): "Ain't you getting tired of hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"

Miss Belsize (a professional beauty): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of hearing people say, 'Is that the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"

Mrs. Montague Smart (suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago): "And now let us talk of something else!"

Mamma: "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"

Fair Debutante (who has a fine healthy appet.i.te): "Oh, yes, Mamma-several people!"

Guest: "Well, good-bye, Old Man!-and you've really got a very nice little place here!"

Host: "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"

She: "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!"

He: "But I don't want to dance with the prettiest girl in the room. I want to dance with you!"

"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One word more and I-I withdraw my overdraft."

Wife (at upper window): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"

"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."

"Well-you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."

Motor-Launch Officer (who has rung for full-speed without result): "What's the matter?"

Voice-from below: "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."