Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 49

"All right, then, how much does a six-pound sh.e.l.l weigh?"

"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve pounds."

The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing t.i.tles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that the recent German importations had had their t.i.tles changed for American consumption.

"If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of 'Pa.s.sion,' think what a hit it would have made!"

Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every one knows about pa.s.sion."

"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."

"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked up?"

"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."

The Aristocrat (returning to school): My ancestors came over with William the Conqueror.

The New Girl: That's nothing! My father came over in the same boat with Mary Pickford!

It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were ent.i.tled to enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car do you own?"

"A Packard," was the reply.

"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."

The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge, who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little individual came along.

"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.

"A Ford," was the answer.

"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian Scientists."

The Housewife: My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for a year.

The Hobo: Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.

The Professor: A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as it will cut gla.s.s.

The Cynic: Gla.s.s! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression on a woman's heart.

Boss: What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or am I?

Jones: I know I'm not the manager.

The Boss: Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk like a blamed idiot?

"Pa, what's an actor?"

"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'

"Is she making a rich marriage?"

"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three times for profiteering."

SANDY SCORED.

A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed: "Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?"

"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"

"I do," said the laird.

"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an' that the empty yins stand up."

WITH A RESERVATION.

"Miss Smith-Belinda," sighed the young man, pa.s.sionately, "there is something I want to tell you -something that I--"

"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a bored expression on her face.

The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple. "It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly. "Could you-do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"

"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too much like you!"

TOO SMART.

A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some "welly good watches."

The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three watches, marked respectively 5, 4, and 3 10s., and laid them in a row on the counter.

The c.h.i.n.k, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid 3 10s., and departed.

Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his return.

"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de same brice-two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"

OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT.

"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.

"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.

"What flowers are not popular?"

"Wall-flowers, ma'am."

NATIVE BORN.

"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."

"Your head?"

"Yes, yer honour."

"Why don't you speak the English language?"

"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."

THE JONAH.

"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale.

Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches."

"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good man down."

THE SUBSt.i.tUTE.

A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs.

"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."

MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE.

The maiden of, er-forty or so, was much upset.