Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 50

Quoth she to a younger friend: "Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid."

"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.

"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"

"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than having her tell lies about you."

GOOD OR BAD TURN?

"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"

"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make one think there's something wrong with it."

"What does it say, then?"

"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."

TALKING SENSE.

"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancee closer to him, "am I the first man you have ever kissed?"

"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt, fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times over, aren't you?"

"Y-yes."

"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune will be left to me?"

"Y-yes."

"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name at the bank?"

"Y-yes."

"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"

"Y-yes."

"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"

A MAGIC HEALER.

During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor's to have them attended to.

"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be able to play the piano?"

"Certainly you will," the doctor a.s.sured him.

"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."

SHE TOOK THEM.

"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman. "They seem rather indistinct."

"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your face is not at all plain."

BUT HE'S ON HIS WAY.

Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to s.h.i.+p north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.

"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.

"Suh?"

"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"

Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all that remained.

"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant goat done completely et up his destination."

HER MATCH.

Tommy: "What's an echo, pa?"

Pa: "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word."

"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the boss angrily.

"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch it at home either."

SCIENTIFIC PROOF.

One day a teacher was having a first-grade cla.s.s in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said: "Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."

Bols.h.i.+e Tubthumper: Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!

Sunday School Teacher: Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite to your playmates, what will be the result?

Alfred: They'll think they can lick me!

A NATURAL PICTURE.

A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."

"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put it in my pocket."

NOTHING TO SMILE AT.

A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.

An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a Scotsman's head."

A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae a finer point than ony o'

yer stories, a'm thinking!"

DREW BLANK.

The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.

So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally he managed to catch the great man.

"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"

"Oh, feyr, feyr!"

"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair throats?"

"Ay!"

"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"

"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."