Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 51

A FRIEND IN NEED.

What true friends.h.i.+p consists in depends on the temperament of the man who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much affected.

"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.

"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough he was starving to death."

WHAT HE PREFERRED.

He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at the back door.

"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.

"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."

"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house replied.

"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."

READY TO JOIN.

Minister: Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?

Miss Ala Mode: I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?

HELPFUL PA!

He: Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future?

She: Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week.

"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"

"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not such an awful habit. Why, at your own club--"

"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house, and fours."

"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me. Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"

HE KNEW.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."

"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.

"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."

Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he stood watching his father was.h.i.+ng. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know why you're was.h.i.+ng!"

THEY WILT.

"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer Sa.s.sfras, as he watched that good man at his work.

"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?' and they wilt."

NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.

"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully nice."

"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love' cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very'

would be more correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."

Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."

"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.

"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little girl.

WHY HE PICKED PICTISH.

An English mother was visiting her son at college.

"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"

"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.

"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"

"Only five words of it remain," he said.

PLAYED THEM BOTH UP.

A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.

"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend it."

Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man said: "That'll be three s.h.i.+llings, mum."

"Three s.h.i.+llings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little fellow with the hoop.

You're his father, aren't you?"

The man shook his head.

"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"

And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.

JUSTICE AT LAST.

It was the usual domestic storm.

"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor mother's advice, and never married you!"

Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last found voice.

"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.

Wifey nodded violently.

A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.

"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"

IN ORDER TO BE FILLED.

Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.

As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said: "n.i.g.g.e.r, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done hit me smack on de haid."

The other one looked surprised.

"Did I hit you?"

"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does resemble my promise."