Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 1

PART V.

Linguistic Lapses.

In a Bangkok dry-cleaner's shop: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.

In a Copenhagen airline office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend your afternoon having a good time.

Advertis.e.m.e.nt for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own a.s.s?

Anything.

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pa.s.s this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Another Weekend At The Home.

w.i.l.l.y's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks w.i.l.l.y what he's doing.

w.i.l.l.y replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him. He catches Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm making love with w.i.l.l.y's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

Drunk & The Prude.

A very drunk man boarded the bus and took a seat across the aisle from a prudish old woman. She stared at him and gave him the sourest look imaginable.

The drunk looked at her and blurted out, "Laaddee yore the ugliesht woman I've ever sheen!"

The old lady replied, "Well, you're the drunkest man I've ever seen."

The drunk retorts, "Yeah, laaddee maybee sho, but tomorrow morning I'll be fine!"

How Many Knees.

A little boy says to a girl, "How many knees do you have?"

The little girl says, "Well, I only have two. A left and a right knee. What about you?"

The boy replies, "I have four knees. A left knee, a right knee, a hinee, and a weenie!!!"

One More.

Q:) What did one t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e say to the other?

A:) Don't mind the a.s.shole behind us! It's the p.r.i.c.k ahead we're working for!

Thunderstorm.

One night, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her young son into bed.

As she was about to turn off the light, he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a rea.s.suring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."

Jesus And The Devil.

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away.

Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and h.e.l.l. When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil's screen was black. Satan says, "How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!"

Then one person in h.e.l.l says, "No, Jesus Saves."

Stolen Car.

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

Little Johnny's Wish.

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed moaning, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a guy. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

c.o.ke Machine.

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a c.o.ke. So she went to the c.o.ke machine and put her money in, and a c.o.ke came out, so she kept putting money in it. Since it was a hot day a line had formed behind her. Finally the man behind her said, "Will you hurry up we're all hot and thirsty!"

The blonde turned around and said, "No way. I'm still winning."

Art Theft.

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Blonde's Ear.

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a s.h.i.+rt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Bear On A Rampage.

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"