Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 2

Blood Test.

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

Dumb Girlfriend.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, " she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

Santa's Day Out.

Santa goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash hands but starts was.h.i.+ng the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, "Mr. Singh, what are you doing?"

To this the man replies," Oye, see the board here --"Wash Basin".

Ice Cream.

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"

The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"

Blondie.

Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks.

The first blonde says "They're deer tracks."

The second blonde says "They're bear tracks."

The third blonde says "They're moose tracks."

Then a train hits them.

Crowded Bus.

One day, a boy named Tom got on a very crowded bus.

Sitting opposite him was a fat lady who said, "If you were a polite young man, you'd let someone sit down."

"If you were a polite lady," Tom replied, "you'd let FOUR people sit down!"

Princ.i.p.al.

"Isn't the princ.i.p.al a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.

"No."

"I'm the princ.i.p.al's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!"

Preparing Chickens.

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Nice Big Breaths.

A girl with a lisp goes to the doctor to have her cold treated. The doctor lifts up her top to listen to her chest and says, "nice big breaths."

The girl replies, "yeth and I'm only 14."

Ask The Doctor.

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a rea.s.suring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. s.e.x is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

The 3 Managers.

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's s.h.i.+p it!"

Health Insurance.

An elderly man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he is about to receive the anesthesia, the old man asks to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something should happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

If You Think Life Is Bad.

If you think life is bad.....How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard. Only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 6 other guys But worst of all...the only chick that ever sat on your face was your other!!!

So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!! Pa.s.s it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, Oops....I mean day!!!!!

Rhyme.

what are the 3 biggest tragedies in a man's life?

life sucks! job sucks!................ and wife dosent.

A prost.i.tute's nursery rhyme: One two lets screw, Three four I'm a wh.o.r.e, Five six suck the d.i.c.k, Seven eight e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e, Nine ten f.u.c.k me again.

Nowdays 80% of women are against marriage as they have wisend to the fact that for 200 grams of sausage i'ts not worth buying the entire pig!.

Don't Shoot.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.