Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 3

The husband Shoots out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, 'shut up ... you're next!'

Bar Boy.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Almost Out Of Paper.

A small company recently hired a new blonde secretary who certainly wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

One day while she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said, "What do I do now? I'm almost out of typing paper."

"Just use the copier machine paper," replied the other secretary.

With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank sheet of typing paper, placed it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten blank copies.

Pilot In The c.o.c.kpit.

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the Public Announcement system. "As soon as I clock off" he said to himself, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw off that blonde flight attendant." The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the c.o.c.kpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting there whispered, "There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first."

Refrigerator Diet.

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Honeymoon.

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But Julie pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.

"Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "Aren't you coming to bed?"

"No," Julie announced. "My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."

Elaborate Funeral.

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart made of plastic, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened up, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart to be buried. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynaecologist!"

Tricky Question.

In a party one of Santa's friends asked him how many chapattis he could eat with an empty stomach. Santa replied "Seven". His friend asks him, "When you eat the first chapatti your stomach is no longer empty. Then how can you eat seven??"

Impressed by this tricky question, Santa as soon as he goes back home asks his wife, "How many chapattis can you eat with an empty stomach??" She says "Five"

Santa, "Uh!If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it."

The World Has Gone Crazy.

A friend pa.s.sed this "Quote of the Year" to me today, and I thought I'd share it with you. It's from comedian Chris Rock.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush,' 'd.i.c.k' and 'Colon.'

> >Need I say more?"

Stupid Baby Names.

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRa.s.sAM Ta.s.sM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Shut up, Fridge."

Work Day.

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Leave It To The Kids.

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...

"Then why did you eat him?"

Big Mouth.

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Everybody & n.o.body.

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and n.o.body.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but n.o.body did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but n.o.body realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when n.o.body did what Anybody could have done.

The Gold Fish.

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."