Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 10

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about s.e.x. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, s.e.x tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have s.e.x maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral s.e.x now."

"What's oral s.e.x?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

Baseball In Heaven.

There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and a.n.a.lyze every scoreboard.

They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not. One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.

"Hi, John."

"Cliff, is it really you?"

"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and bad news."

"Okay. What's the good news?"

"There is baseball in heaven."

"The bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Jealous Husband.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife partic.i.p.ate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Women's T-s.h.i.+rts.

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

2. I hate everybody, and you're next!

3. And your point is....

4. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.

5. **Warning** I have an att.i.tude and I know how to use it!

6. You KNOW you want me.

7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

9. I'm mult.i.talented: I can talk and p.i.s.s you off at the same time.

10. Do NOT start with me! You will NOT win!

11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

12. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

13. I'm not a b.i.t.c.h, I'm THE b.i.t.c.h; and it's MS. b.i.t.c.h to you!

14. All stressed out and no one to choke.

15. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

16. n.o.body knows I'm not wearing underwear.

The Pickle Slicer.

A husband went home after working at his job in a restaurant. His wife noticed he seemed a little bit aggravated so she asked him what was wrong. After some coaxing, he finally told her that he had been having an urge to put his d.i.c.k in the pickle-slicer at work. His wife was astonished and told him he should really do something about that. An urge like that could not be healthy at all. He said that he would and they left it at that.

A week later, the husband came home smiling and completely happy. His wife asked him what happened that would put him in such a good mood. He said, "I finally did it! I put my d.i.c.k in the pickle-slicer." The wife asked, "Well, what happened?" Husband: "Oh, well I was fired." Wife: "I mean, what happened with the pickle-slicer?"

Husband: "Oh, she got fired too!"

English Training.

A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic >protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a >sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

> >One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe >damage to >the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the >second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented >in the same direction taken by the first team member.

> >(in simple English what does this translate >to??) scroll down for answer:.......

> >jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water jack fell down >and >broke his crown and jill came tumbling after.

Say Cheese.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body.

"Clinton, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Suharto, 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Dr. Mahathir, 75, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

Gas.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finis.h.i.+ng the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

The Phone Call.

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! "

To that the man asks "Anything"??

And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"

..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does!!

He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!..

He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!...

He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!

The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..

She says "h.e.l.lO, MOM"????

I Like The Way U R Thinking.