Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 9

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

Reserved Seating.

An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats. "Sorry, sir," the usher said, "but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient and said, "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, "All right buddy," the manager said, "what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where did you come from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

The Doctor's Convention.

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.

After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.

"Sure," the woman says. "Let me go wash my hands first."

After she washes her hands, they make love. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.

This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, "You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep was.h.i.+ng your hands."

Angry at this remark, the woman says, "Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!"

The Potato.

Frenchie finds himself on vacation in Florida. He goes to the beach to cruise some cute American girls. Having no luck, he sees this blond Apollo type American lifeguard surrounded by Baywatch beauties. Hey you Monsieur the Americain! says Frenchie, how to you get all zee beautiful ladies like that? The American lifeguard replies, listen Frenchie, our girls like to see a big bulge in our bathing suit. Try putting a big potato in your swim trunks, and you'll see what I mean.

10 minutes later Frenchie comes back to the lifeguard, his face now a bright red. You American, you lied to me. I put zee big potato in my trunk, but all zee ladies, they all slapped my face hard. The lifeguard smiling replies...Oh Frenchie! the potato, it goes in the front..NOT IN THE BACK!

The Annual Check-Up.

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget!"

They go to bed early and make pa.s.sionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that was *wonderful,* the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?" This time it's even more pa.s.sionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?"

"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"

Lawyer Degree.

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business. Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

Naughty Clinton.

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train pa.s.ses through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.'

The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.'

Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.'

George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'

Three Hearts.

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yes, but it's from a lawyer. It's never been used."

Mashed Potatoes.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in s.e.x.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

School Librarian.

The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a 'Contract' for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a third grader who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought three books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech, he said scornfully, "The other librarian we had knew how to write."

Chili.

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

Grandfather.