Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 8

Designated Driver.

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Learn Chinese.

That's not right. - Sum Ting Wong.

Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me as soon as possible. - k.u.m Hia Nao.

Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.

Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

I b.u.mped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.

I think you need a face lift. - Chin Tu Fat.

It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. - Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.

You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.

I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.

Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?

Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.

He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa s.h.i.+ng Ka.

Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu.

Baby Planes.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

Laloo The Matchmaker.

Laloo talks to his son Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son : "I want to choose my own bride."

Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Laloo approaches Ambani Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."

Ambani: "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Laloo : "But this young man is a vice president of the World Bank."

Ambani: "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice president."

President : "But I already have more vice presidents than I need."

Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."

President : "Ah, in that case..."

Good Boys.

Four ladies were having coffee one afternoon.The first women tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father."

The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'your grace.'"

The third lady says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, '"Well??"

So she replies, "My son is 6'2. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and a very nice bulge. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a room...women gasp, 'OH MY LORD!'

British Airways.

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew, I'd like to welcome you onboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard (right) side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the Port (left) wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Thank you for flying British Airways"

Golf.

In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "h.e.l.lo" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his s.h.i.+rt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my b.a.l.l.s on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Well", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything.

Magic Watch.

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "d.a.m.n - this thing must be an hour fast!"

Vampire Bat.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began ha.s.sling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as h.e.l.l didn't!"

Very Sick.

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.