Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 7

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms: "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Circle Flies.

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's a.s.s, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't" the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

Talking Blondes.

Why doesn't a blonde talk during s.e.x?

Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers 500 lawyers in the ocean.

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

A Lawyer and A Politician.

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

De-evolution.

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.

An Honest Lawyer.

What do you call an honest lawyer?

An oxymoron.

Bad Lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?

A: Senator.

Custody.

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

Pardon.

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy G.o.dmother said her b.r.e.a.s.t.s would increase in size every time a man said 'Pardon' to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally b.u.mped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she b.u.mped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

Heavenly Help.

Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pa.s.sed and finally Peter returned.

"Yes, we can do this for you."

"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?' To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest in heaven...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer up there?"

Barracks Door.

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

Mommy Almost Died.

One day this little girl's dad came home and she runs up to him.

"Daddy, the cat died today!"

"Well, darling," said the dad. "That's just something that happens."

"But why are his arms and legs up in the air?"

"Well, darling, that's just something they do." She takes the death fairly well and doesn't mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.

"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I came downstairs and I heard her screaming 'Oh Jesus, take me, take me!' And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn't been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died."

Irish Cream.

Three Irish monks have pa.s.sed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their private and put them in a room with an attractive girl with no clothes. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn't ring. The woman nods. "Good, you've pa.s.sed. Go take a shower with your brothers."

There he goes, "Ding-ding!"

Five Surgeons.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." "I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." "I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their a.s.ses are interchangeable." "I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

The Reunion.

Three old ladies driving to a family reunion discoverd they had a problem. All three husbands had the same name - LeRoy. The driver came up with an idea of naming their husbands after a soft drink. The other ladies thought this was a wonderful idea.

The driver went first and said she would name hers mountain dew, he was big as a mountain and could dew it all night long, the pa.s.senger in the front seat said "I am going to name mine after 7up, he has 7 inches and is up all night long". The third lady thought for a while and said " I am going to name mine Jim Beam" The driver looked at her and said girl, that is not a soft drink that's a hard licker, the girl in the back said "Thats my man".

Porsche.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

Hypnotisi Session.

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and partic.i.p.ation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed. A famous hypnotist was hired. The event was publicized around town. Everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor. "s.h.i.+t," said the hypnotist. It took the town 3 weeks to clean up the mess.