Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 6

Scorpio.

Now let's try it with our clothes off.....

Sagittarius.

Don't call me - I'll call you...

Capricorn.

Do you have a business card?

Aquarius.

Perhaps I should untie you....

Pisces.

What did you say your name was?

Pirate.

A pirate steps into a pub for a drink...

Bartender: "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

Pirate: "We were sailing the seas when a big old shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and he bit off me leg."

Bartender: "Where did you get that hook then?"

Pirate: "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

Bartender: "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

Pirate: "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

Bartender: "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

Pirate: "First day with the hook..."

Lamaze Cla.s.s.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze cla.s.s was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary a.s.surances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Blonde's Cell Phone.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How'd you know I was at Wal-mart?", she quietly replied...

Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that G.o.d is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent, you IDIOT!!."

Favorite Sport.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. "I am placed in the door and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and gra.s.s when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack."

Last Day.

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy... "I give up," she said. "What is it?"

The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

New Mercedes.

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!

I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear G.o.d! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Baby, Do You Have.

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so... Do you have a piece of gum?

English Girl.

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?

The husband laughs and says: An English girl!

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip? Very good, thank you, replies the wife.

And, what happened to my present?

Which present?

I asked for, the English girl?

Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!

Air Force One.

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, and chuckles and says, "You know I could throw a $10,000 dollar bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make one hundred pepole very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the WHOLE COUNTRY HAPPY!"

What's In A Name.

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening.