Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 5

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

How Dare You.

While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

The Golf Ball.

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

Good Sport.

When Glen answered his phone, he heard a woman on the other end say, "Hi, Glen. This is Donna speaking. Remember we met about four months ago?"

"Donna?" Glen replied. "About four months ago?"

"Yes, that's right," Donna said. "It was at David's apartment. After the party, you drove me home. On the way, we parked and got in the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

"Oh, I remember!" Glen exclaimed. "Donna! How are you?"

"I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself," Donna screeched.

"Hey, you really ARE a good sport!" Glen retorted.

Funeral.

There was a Packers fan with a really c.r.a.ppy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She pa.s.sed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Managers.

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.

Hotel.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even more intoxicated. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour pa.s.ses and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No! I don't wanna get in, I wanna get out!"

Blind Man.

Four nuns were a.s.signed to paint a room in a church. It was a really warm day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear. So they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked.

Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it???", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "Nice body sisters, where do you want the blinds to be put??"

School Teacher.

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

Vet Visit.

A young, blonde woman took a litter of yellow Labrador Retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for innoculations. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, he turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished.

After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

Female Hormones In Beer.

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent a.n.a.lysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

The Logic Of The Dry Beer.

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down next to him. Joe tells the bartender, "I'll take a large beer."

The bartender says, "Do you want dry beer with no aftertaste, or brewed beer with aftertaste?"

Joe thinks about this for a minute. "Ah, give me the brewed." So the bartender gives it to him and he chugs it.

"No, no," says Al, "think manly! I'll have a dry beer." The bartender goes to fix it.

"Why the dry?" Joe asks.

"Well," says Al, "that way you can have one sip, and since it has no aftertaste, you can keep on drinking and forget you just had one!"

The Drink.

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen wh.o.r.e than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."

What People Say.

What People say (based on there Sun Sign) after s.e.x!

Aries.

Okay, let's do it again...

Taurus.

I'm hungry - pa.s.s the pizza ...

Gemini.

Have you seen the TV remote?

Cancer.

When are we getting married?

Leo.

Wasn't I fantastic?

Virgo.

I need to wash the sheets.

Libra.

I liked it if you liked it...