Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 1

PART VI.

Toastmaster.

A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!" That won him top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, and what was your toast?"

John replied, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife!"

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Did you know that John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?"

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

Cheating Wife.

The lovers pa.s.sionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own beat. The woman c.o.c.ked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just step into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But.. but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little b.a.s.t.a.r.ds!"

Dispute.

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval s.h.i.+p with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy s.h.i.+p. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest s.h.i.+p in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this s.h.i.+p.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Awarness.

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

Don't be silly, protect your w.i.l.l.y.

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Don't be a loner, cover your b.o.n.e.r.

You can't go wrong if you s.h.i.+eld your dong.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she's s.p.u.n.ky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

She won't get sick if you wrap your d.i.c.k.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection! Protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

s.e.x is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

Never deck her with an unwrapped p.e.c.k.e.r.

If you can't s.h.i.+eld your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

No glove, No love.

Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

Grapes.

One day a duck walked into a convienence store and asked the cas.h.i.+er "Got any grapes?"

The cas.h.i.+er politely answered, "No this a convienence store, we dont sell any fresh produce."

So the duck left. He walked around the block once and walked back into the store.

He walked up to the cas.h.i.+er and once again asked him, "Got any grapes?"

The cas.h.i.+er slightly agitated answered him, "No I just told you sir, we are a convienence store and therefore we do not have any fresh produce."

So the duck walks out of the store around the corner and comes back in but again.

He walks up to the cas.h.i.+er and asks him, "Got any grapes?"

The cas.h.i.+er is just annoyed now. He firmly answered this time by saying, "NO we do not sell fresh produce, and if you ask me that one more time I'm goin to nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck says ok and walks out of the store. He walks around the corner and walks back into the store.

He walks up to the cas.h.i.+er and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any grapes?"

Truck Driver.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

School Answering Machine.

h.e.l.lo! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to a.s.sist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2.

To complain about what we do - Press 3.

To cuss out staff members - Press 4.

To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.