Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 11

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than "ello mate.') On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

"How?" said the Aussie to the Chief, who again did not stop to look up.

"Scrambled." said the Chief.

The Blind Pilots.

One day at a busy airport, the pa.s.sengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the c.o.c.kpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the c.o.c.kpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, b.u.mping into pa.s.sengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with huge sungla.s.ses.

At first the pa.s.sengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.

However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The pa.s.sengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for rea.s.surance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some pa.s.sengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the c.o.c.kpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the they're going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"

A Dog Named.

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Myp.e.n.i.s?

- Myp.e.n.i.s ate my homework.

- Oh, no! Myp.e.n.i.s is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Myp.e.n.i.s.

- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Myp.e.n.i.s on a leash.

- Myp.e.n.i.s doesn't come when I call it.

- Myp.e.n.i.s likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- I love giving Myp.e.n.i.s a bath.

- At night, I sleep with Myp.e.n.i.s in my hands.

- Myp.e.n.i.s likes it when people pet him.

- Myp.e.n.i.s needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

- Playing with Myp.e.n.i.s really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Myp.e.n.i.s?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Myp.e.n.i.s is already active.

- I think Myp.e.n.i.s has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Myp.e.n.i.s in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Myp.e.n.i.s points me in the right direction.

- I think Myp.e.n.i.s is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

- Myp.e.n.i.s got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

- If Myp.e.n.i.s was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.

- Myp.e.n.i.s loves to chase p.u.s.s.ies in dark alleys.

- Help! I can't find Myp.e.n.i.s!

- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Myp.e.n.i.s.

- Myp.e.n.i.s gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Myp.e.n.i.s to the hospital.

- Oh. no! Something bit Myp.e.n.i.s!

Adit.

Catholic Maths.

Little Tommy (who is Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything : tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother h.e.l.lo. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns??" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Bubble.

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby.

She said " Let's start with the boys first.

The Boys start giving their intro.......

First boy : "My name is john, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub." The Teacher was confused to listen and said, "Interesting -well, ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes, next-"

Second boy : "Myself Peter, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub" The Teacher now got surprised and said, "Gooodd.. I like the spirit of supporting a friend . Ok, next -"

Third boy : "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"

Teacher : "Guys, are u joking or what ? Please be sincere. Ok, next -"

This continues, and the last boy stands up : "I'm Harry, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub" Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach u ungrown boyz for long. Any way, now the girls please -"

First girl : "I'm July and my hobby is to watch birds" Teacher : "Gooodd. At last I got something different. Ok next-" Second girl : "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes" Teacher : "Now its like educated grown-up girls. Ok, next- you, sweet girl- yes, you.."

The most gorgeously beautiful girl of the cla.s.s : "Maa'm, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to bathe three times a day".......!!!

The Three b.u.t.tons.

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three b.u.t.tons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First b.u.t.ton. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second b.u.t.ton is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the s.h.i.+n. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third b.u.t.ton is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight pa.s.ses and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three b.u.t.tons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first b.u.t.ton. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second b.u.t.ton. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third b.u.t.ton is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

First Graders.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the cla.s.s the first half ot the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Hers are the children's responses.

Better to be safe than................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the......................bug is close.

It is always darkest before...........daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of......termites.

You can lead a horse to water but.....how?

Don't bite the hand that..............looks dirty.

No news is............................impossible.

A miss is as good as a................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you........will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.......................me.

The pen is mighter than...............the pigs.

An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.