Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 12

Where there is smoke, there's.........pollution.

Happy is the bride who................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is......................not much.

Two is company, three's...............The musketeers.

None are so blind as..................Helen Keller.

Children should be seen not...........spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind.........get out of the way.

There is no fool like.................Aunt Edie.

Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.............................you have to blow your nose.

Get out of something what you.........see pictured in the box.

Puns.

A good pun is its own reword.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Is a pessimist's blood type always b-negative?

My friend really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my ma.s.seuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you.

You seek problems because you need their gifts.

Always Drunk.

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Answering Machine Messages.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

h.e.l.lo, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brus.h.i.+ng our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid inst.i.tution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

(s.e.xy female voice with heavy panting).

Hi, you've reached 555-3456.

John is in (sigh) Oh no, he's out (aah) Yes, he's in again, (ooh) No he's out (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he... comes.

Cookie.

The following recipe for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100).

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain alb.u.men-coated protein 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10).

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is h.o.m.ogeneous.

To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the h.o.m.ogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piecemeal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460 K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to thermal equilibrium.

Ready To Kill.

The FBI was badly in need of top agents. They began a nationwide search of their active agents who showed great promise as prospective trainees for this position.

They found three candidates. Before training could begin, each candidate would have to pa.s.s a test. The purpose of the test was to determine whether the trainee could kill on demand, and without remorse. On the day of the test, the three candidates showed up and were placed in a waiting room.

The first trainee was then brought in and given instructions: "Here's your weapon, trainee. I want you to go into the next room and kill the person sitting there." "No problem", replied the trainee. He entered the room and, after a few seconds, returned and said, "I'm sorry, I can't kill that woman - that's my wife." He was dismissed.

The second trainee was brought in and given instructions: "I want you to take this gun and go into the other room and kill the person sitting there". "Okay", said the trainee. He went into the next room and then returned shortly. "I can't kill her, she's my girlfriend!" He was also dismissed.

The agents were getting nervous. They were down to only one possible trainee. So they brought him in and gave him instructions: "You see this gun? Take it into the next room with you and kill the person sitting there!" "No problem." The man grabbed the gun and walked briskly into the next room. "Blam! Blam! Blam!" Three shots. Then silence, followed by "CRAs.h.!.+ BANG! BOOM!". The man came out furious!

He said, "Why didn't you tell me there were blanks in the gun?!? I had to beat her to death with the chair!!!"

Wrong E-mail.

After being nearly s...o...b..und for two weeks last winter, a Seattleman departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together...Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen : Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in.

Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.