Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 13

Cla.s.sic Excuses.

The following are some cla.s.sic written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system: "Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."

"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."

"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over."

"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was. .h.i.t in the growing part."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night."

"Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating."

"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."

"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."

"Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."

"Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had Diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah (*crossed out*), the s.h.i.+ts."

Nerds.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his gla.s.ses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load s.h.i.+fts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

Millionaire.

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "h.e.l.lo?"

Regis: "h.e.l.lo Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo".

Regis:" Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her," Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"Pam, it was easy," replies her friend. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

Toilet Poem.

Excellent poems by not so famous poets... found on toilet doors and walls.

A budding poet trying his best...

Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some b.a.s.t.a.r.d stole the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...

Here I sit Broken hearted Tried to s.h.i.+t But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote, You're lucky You had your chance I tried to fart, And s.h.i.+t my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.

I came here To s.h.i.+t and stink, But all I do Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...

Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to s.h.i.+t and stink, But I come here to scratch my b.a.l.l.s, And read the bulls.h.i.+t on the walls...

Toilets walls also double as job advertis.e.m.e.nt s.p.a.ce.......

(written high upon the wall) If you can p.i.s.s above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertis.e.m.e.nt.

We aim to please!

You aim too! Please!

Seen above a urinal: Please do not throw cigarette b.u.t.ts in our urinal.

We don't p.i.s.s in your ashtrays!

On the inside of a toilet door: Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

A sign at a swimming pool bathroom: We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool.

Another sign seen at a swimming pool: Welcome to our ool.

Notice there's no P in it.

Please keep it that way.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson...

Sign seen at a restaurant: The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

Two Nuns.

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.