Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 23

s.p.a.ce Shuttles.

Hey guys.. This is a real 'Googly' as one would say.

So you should read this carefully and understand the depth involved in the subject of science and tech.

How They Designed the s.p.a.ce Shuttle The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel s.p.a.cing.

Okay! So, why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel s.p.a.cing? Well, if they tried to use any other s.p.a.cing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the s.p.a.cing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel s.p.a.cing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's a.s.s came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds.

When we see a s.p.a.ce Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be s.h.i.+pped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses'

behinds.So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a HORSE'S a.s.s.

Cool Insults.

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!

6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing.

7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!

19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.

20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.

21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!

23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?

24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.

30. How would you like to feel the way you look?

31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?

33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.

34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.

35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!

38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.

39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. n.o.body could be!

42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.

Bitter Person's Horoscope.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18).

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20).

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19).

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the b.u.t.t.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20).

You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like h.e.l.l. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a G.o.dd.a.m.n communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20).

You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bis.e.xual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22).

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth s.h.i.+t. You are a b.u.t.thead.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22).

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving b.a.s.t.a.r.ds and kiss mirrors a lot.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22).

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22).

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are wh.o.r.es. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21).

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21).

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.