Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 24

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19).

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Very Quotable Quotes.

Power corrupts, but absolute power is really neat.

-- Ex-Navy Secretary John Lehman.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

-- "A Bit of Fry and Laurie"

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

-- Oscar Wilde.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

-- A. Whitney Brown.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

-- William James.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

-- From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

-- d.i.c.k Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

-- Dave Barry.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

-- F. P. Jones.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

2. Advising the President.

3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

-- David Letterman.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain.

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

Laundry instructions on a s.h.i.+rt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.

-- Salvador Dali.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of s.e.x, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have s.e.x with the authorities.

-- From "Basic s.e.x Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In h.e.l.l" by Matt Groening.

"Time's fun when you're having flies."

-- Kermit the Frog .

"Time flies like a rocket; fruit flies like a banana."

Physics Exam.

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skysc.r.a.per with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skysc.r.a.per to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skysc.r.a.per, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is s.h.i.+ning you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skysc.r.a.per's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work uut the height of the skysc.r.a.per.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skysc.r.a.per. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l/g).

"Or if the skysc.r.a.per has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skysc.r.a.per in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skysc.r.a.per and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skysc.r.a.per'."

The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the n.o.bel prize for Physics.

The Most Expressive Word.

The Most Expressive Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "f.u.c.k". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "f.u.c.k" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John f.u.c.ked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was f.u.c.ked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a f.u.c.k), a pa.s.sive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f.u.c.k), an adverb (Mary is f.u.c.king interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f.u.c.k). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is f.u.c.king beautiful) or an interjection (f.u.c.k! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f.u.c.k she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "f.u.c.k". Aside from its s.e.xual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...

Greetings "How the f.u.c.k are ya?"

Fraud "I got f.u.c.ked by the car dealer."

Resignation "Oh, f.u.c.k it!"

Trouble "I guess I'm f.u.c.ked now."

Aggression "f.u.c.k YOU!"

Disgust "f.u.c.k me."

Confusion "What the f.u.c.k.......?"

Difficulty "I don't understand this f.u.c.king business!"

Despair "f.u.c.ked again..."

Pleasure "I f.u.c.king couldn't be happier."

Displeasure "What the f.u.c.k is going on here?"

Lost "Where the f.u.c.k are we."

Disbelief "UNf.u.c.kING BELIEVABLE!"

Retaliation "Up your f.u.c.king a.s.s!"

Denial "I didn't f.u.c.king do it."

Perplexity "I know f.u.c.k all about it."

Apathy "Who really gives a f.u.c.k, anyhow?"

Greetings "How the f.u.c.k are ya?"

Suspicion "Who the f.u.c.k are you?"

Panic "Let's get the f.u.c.k out of here."

Directions "f.u.c.k off."

Disbelief "How the f.u.c.k did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a f.u.c.king a.s.shole."

It can be used to tell time- "It's five f.u.c.king thirty."

It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this f.u.c.king job?"

It can be maternal- "Mother f.u.c.ker."

It can be political- "f.u.c.k Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...